The Beautiful Kind

.

(spoken in a tired, sweet-but-snarky voice)

“Hi TBK, you’re probably tied up right now…”

- my sister, leaving me a voice mail message late one night

Yeah, it’s pretty hard to talk on the phone when you have a beastly man’s hand clamped over your mouth

There’s nothing sexier than ambivalence. You know what I mean - that asshole co-worker you’re attracted to. Getting a thrill when the cop who pulled you over for drunk driving slaps some cuffs on you. Wanting to hate fuck Ann Coulter. Reading your mom’s trashy romance novels in the basement and being aroused, despite the blatant sexism at play in the Harlequin storyline.

That’s exactly how I felt when I saw this photo series from an Italian Vogue magazine. I thought these two words at the same time: WRONG and HOT.

Here’s why it’s wrong:
exploitative
vapid mannequin women
gay models posing as soldiers
female models wearing strappy high heels instead of combat boots
poseur tattoos
not just a war setting, but it’s war for the BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

Here’s why it’s hot:
dirty, gritty
contrast
interracial

Personally, I would have preferred some gang rape scenes, but the photographer wussed out and just gave us lame lap dances instead. It’s likely the gay models had a fit and refused. Also, what if they used Iraqi women instead, o man that would be even worse. The 8th pic down seems to suggest something bad went down, what with her severely mussed hair and the haunted look in her eyes (the photographer probably got her to make that face by calling out, “Hey love, imagine being forced to eat Twinkies and Moon Pies for an entire WEEK!”) And what’s with the Christmas lights strung everywhere? Did Martha Stewart sneak into the barracks? And can’t the American flag be torn up just a little?

A friend of mine saw these and griped that it would have been better if they would have taken REAL soldiers and draped naked models all over them. I’m pretty sure the soldiers would prefer that over all the PRAYERS Republicans send their way.

Guess what?

I’m still pregnant!

Aw fuck I’m just messin’ with ya. I’m just half pregnant — sortof pregnant, if you will.

You know how I got an abortion last month? Well, I went in for my check up and I’m still testing positive on the pregnancy test. Sheesh, it’s been over a month now, you’d think the ol’ hormone well would’ve dried up by now.

I told my guy this and he said dryly, “So when is the due date?”

God I hope I don’t have half a baby in there. I have an ultrasound scheduled in a couple weeks. In the meantime, I’ll knit one baby bootie. Just in case.

Holy Freudian furniture! Seen on Craigslist. My gal pal saw this and appropriately squealed, “Daddy I WANT!!!”

This week we feature an interior designer with an interesting physical issue…

Name: Herbie, Male, 31
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: December 31, 2002
Where do you live? St. Louis, MO USA
Your living arrangement: Own house
Job situation: Interior designer, I’m passionate about what I do.
Fashion sense: Work-professional. Socially-jeans and fun shirt. Favorite pieces of clothing-white leather jacket, black Italian boots, love my brightly colored shirts, also enjoy anything black. I basically look like a designer.
Do you floss regularly? Yes
Do you drink? Socially
Do you smoke? The occasional cigar when the occasion calls for it
Addicted to anything? Diet Pepsi
Places you hang out: If you mean a regular hangout, then none. I like to frequent new places with friends. Fav places to go- art museum, any sidewalk cafe, South Grand, Central West End, any corner bar that I can have a conversation with who I am with.
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? A bunch
How many people do you currently know that you would like to fuck? One
What are the obstacles (why aren’t you fucking her?) She’s dating a friend of mine
What do you like to eat? I’m not a picky eater, I’ll try anything
Do you frequent strip clubs? I go every couple months, and the girls always remember me.
What kind of porn do you like? Compilations..forget the plots, just show me the sex. I enjoy threesomes and anal
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? Stockings….painted toes….tongue rings….total anal fetish
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) total dom…but will listen to suggestions (i.e.-a little to the left…higher, higher…) I’d do the tying, but I have tied myself to a bed naked on valentine’s day for a woman before. Once again, in total control of the situation.
One word to describe your voice: Unique
Last place you went on vacation: Italy for the winter Olympics, Germany for carnival
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) No kids, totally open to having them with the right woman, I would think that once you hit 30 then most people who you would end up dating have kids, so yes I would date someone with kids.
Religion: Non-practicing Catholic who loves to discuss religion and philosophy with others
Charity you would give money to: I give every year to the Women’s Safe House
Political affiliation: Libertarian
Movies you have loved: I love all types of movies, foreign, indie, gay and lesbian…doesn’t matter
People you respect/admire: My dad for the job he used to do (police officer), and my mom for putting up with my dad.
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, are you divorced, how many times have you been in love): 2 serious relationships….the 4 year college relationship, and the 2 year live-in girlfriend who moved away relationship. never married, been in love twice
Any physical issues (limp, acne, chronic health condition): Only that I look like David Spade, and also like Hermey the Elf from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer….and trust me, those are physical issues.

The Beautiful Kind’s Verdict: Herbie, I am so glad you openly acknowledge the fact that you look like an elf, because that would have been an awkward thing for me to have to tell you. I think you do have that working against you, along with the easy assumption that you are gay (interior designer, snazzy dresser, anal fetish, a striking resemblance to Queer Eye’s Carson Kressley).

I am convinced you’re not gay and are overwhelmingly attracted to women. I also sense that you suffer a touch of the “Nice Guy Syndrome” - of COURSE the strippers remember you whenever you come in. (You get major points for flossing regularly and supporting the Women’s Safe House, by the way.)

I don’t know of any women who have an elf fetish, so here is the first thing you should do: go into a good hair salon (for fucks sake, not Great Clips) with a picture of Hermey the Elf and tell them you do NOT want to look like that. Get a square, masculine cut, kinda like these examples, something that needs just a touch of product.

Next, keep an eye out for a petite, stylish Asian woman (hopefully she’ll be down with anal). That is who you should be with - you’d make such a cute couple! I’m a big fan of contrast. Dare I say hop on Asian Friend Finder or join the International Meetup group here in town? You need to make some sort of change in your life - adjust your social circle a bit, visit a Buddhist or Hindu temple, explore an Asian country on your next vacation.

Other than that, you’re good - you’re adventurous, flush with cash, have a great personality and sense of humor. You also have impeccable taste - it’s so nice to find someone else who also hates those cheap white cabinet knobs. It would be a dream to live with a guy with good taste, since so many men are lacking in that department. If you keep it confident and open your eyes a little more, mark my words - things are going to change for you this year.

Let’s do lunch again sometime soon!

Why aren’t you getting laid? Be a brave little elf and request a questionnaire. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

The other day we were having some hot morning sex and we used VCF spermicide foam for the first time (well, it was his first time, I had used it years ago). I could go on and on about how freakin’ amazing the sex was, how turned on I was, how much I wanted his cock up in me since it had been a few days, how I came three times via intercourse (usually I cum using a vibrator or through oral, and I’m lucky if I get one or two orgasms during sex) and how it kept feeling like I wanted to squirt cuz I was so opened up and turned ON, but that’s not the reason for this post.

Right after we had sex, he said, “I’m burning down there,” and went to the bathroom and pissed. It was incredibly painful for him. Later on, I pissed, and man it fuckin’ hurt. You know what it felt like? It felt like how it feels after you’ve had a urinary catheter removed. I’ve had that experience two or three times in my life, and it fucking SUCKS. It hurts so bad cuz your urethral lining is all irritated, and I guess the spermicide irritated the hell out of our sad pee holes - stripped the sensitive tissue right raw. It hurt to pee for the rest of the day.

Anyway, wtf? Why did it freak our genitals out so bad? I don’t remember it feeling like that when I used it before. Did the stuff we use go rancid? Do you use spermicide foam with no ill effects?

Later that night, we were standing around in the kitchen and I whined, “Well fuck, now what are we going to do for birth control?”

He took a swig of juice from the carton and said, “I guess you’re going to have to eat it, cumslut.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The other day I was browsing Cheap Trx on South Grand and noticed a rack of hankies in assorted colors. Well, that’s nice of them! I thought, cuz I like wearing them on my head sometimes and wasn’t sure where I could find them in town.
Then, down in the dungeon, I saw another display of colored hankies next to the handcuffs, cock rings, and case of dildos.

“All right, what’s this about?” I asked, and was directed to a color chart on the wall.

OH. I had no idea hankies were used as a sexual signal.

I found the color chart online, a rainbow of fetishes! Which one should YOU have hanging out of your back pocket? What side? Me - grey, worn on the right.

OK astrology is totally stupid, but I have to admit that this portrayal of Capricorn (Jan 15-Feb 12) is completely hot. Hair fetish, horny, hot, yep.

Here’s how it works: I’ll approach women (friends, random strangers) I find to be beautiful (inside and/or out) and inform her that she is The Beautiful Kind. Then I will give her my TBK calling card, and ask her to contact me.

The end goal: to feature her on the website with a pic and some info about what makes her tick. The pic will have her face obscured, rated G or PG (NOT like the one on the left, but god I couldn’t resist), and the questions will be personal. Slight exhibitionism and definite voyeurism are at play here, and it’s a way to learn more about all the mysterious, beautiful women that surround us.

I approached my first contender Saturday night at a restaurant down on Jefferson - she was an angelic redhead. She captivated me, so I gave her my card. We’ll see if I hear back from her. For sure I’ll have a high failure rate, at least until word gets around. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be featured as YATBK?!

It’s great to date a mental case. At least for the first couple months. They are super passionate and daring. The New Relationship Energy is amazing. The sex is fucking intense. But make sure and get the hell out before they turn Mr. Hyde on you.

Here is a good example. This is a note from a guy I had a fling with a few years ago:

we need a room for a day or two
no, we need a lifetime together
i would marry you
i would love you for the rest of my life
i love you TBK
its crazy good
and crazy bad
i wish i could show you everyday
do stuff for you
go to the grocery store if you need something
anything
cook for you
cook with you
read with you
play music and slow dance together in our living room
i would never ever cut you down
learn
life
with you
my soulmate

Here is a note from the same guy, one month later:

fuckity fuck fuck
i want to be over you so bad
i hate your guts
i just got to get away
your sick and so am i
but soon i will get away from you
and forget all about you
i regret everything
i think about your death all the time
if i could puke on you i would
dont you worry i will be over you soon
im not yet obviously
but i will be
i imagine you dead
and me peeing on your grave
fuck you

This is a guy who fucked me on his lunch hour, on his washing machine, right after we went out and picked his girlfriend’s engagement ring together.

Have you ever dated a psycho?

Dear Monk,
I think it is SO cool that a real live monk reads my blog! I love being your guilty pleasure. So tell me, what does God REALLY think about sex? Is there anything on my blog that is clearly a religious no-no? Also, do you have to be abstinent? Can you ever marry? If so, what if your wife got off on being called a dirty little slut in the bedroom - could you pull that off? What kind of monk are you, anyway? Are you a virgin?
Love, The Slut aka TBK

Dear Slut,
The orders that I follow are from the Celtic Christian Community of Northumbria. Technically, though, I’m not part of the community’s infrastructure, which is because the community is in Scotland. They belong to a movement called “New Monasticism”. We live our lives in a cycle of fueling periods and burning periods.

During a fueling period, we try to isolate ourselves as much as possible from “the world” to saturate ourselves in Christ. Then, in a burning period, we get as pro-active in our world as possible. We also strive to be vulnerable and available, first to God, then to other humans.

A big part of it is an extra level of commitment to spiritual disciplines. We go to a certain extreme in the hopes of inspiring our fellow believers around us to go a little farther. It’s being a 10 so that all of the 4s will become 7s. There are also levels of spiritual authority attached to it, which means more responsibilities than other believers.

I am allowed to marry. I am not actually under a vow of abstinence as part of my monk-hood. By abstinence, I mean waiting until you’re married to have sex. That abstinence is a basic part of a relationship with Christ. Since we believe He designed sex to be only for a man and wife, out of love for Him, we respect that design. A vow of chastity, on the other hand, is never having sex or getting married, ever.

Birth control’s a thing of beauty! There’s this story the Old Testament about a guy refusing to cum in his wife and God kills him for it, which leads some to believe birth control is evil. However, if you read carefully, there are these customs involving land ownership that show the guy is actually being greedy and trying to shank his brother out of land.

I really don’t think I could call my future wife a slut. Obviously, “whore” and “slut” carry non-abstinent connotations, hence the negative association. Abstinence as a virtue is based on the idea that when the physical bodies join, so do the souls. We believe that when you have sex with someone, the eternal part of yourself is stitched together with your partner’s. This was put in place, by God, as a model for our relationship with him.

Christians call themselves the “Bride of Christ” (even the men). Prayer, meditation and worship are supposed to be like having sex with God and certain virtues (known as “the fruits of the spirit”) are the pregnancy from that union. Since God demands that we only worship (have spirit-sex with) him, we believe that we’re only supposed to have sex with our spouse.

Kinky sex isn’t discouraged by this doctrine. Causing physical and emotional damage are out (though a little bruising is okay), but apart from that, no holds are barred once that ring is in place. Also, God considers sex itself the thing that marries you to another, the ceremony is just for the relatives.

All of this spiritual significance of sex I’m talking about comes from the Bible. There isn’t one section that outlines all of it, but a section here says this and one over there says that, put them together and voila! But it’s all in the Bible. (”Song of Solomon” is really hot if you can unravel the metaphors.)

As for your blog… obviously, a proper three-way is out given the exclusive nature God demands of sex. While technically, your thing wasn’t really three-way sex, it crossed a line that a Christian shouldn’t cross. Also, anything involving humiliation is teetering on that border of acceptability. Emotional and physical damage as aphrodisiac are right out. But, for the most part, anything between a married husband and wife that they’re both cool with is all good.

Yes, I am a virgin. The “furthest” I’ve gone was massaging a girlfriend’s breasts through her shirt, in high school. 32C, too bad she was crazy.

I should have posted this two weeks ago, but it’s never too late to say that the movie Juno was too cute for me - an obnoxious drop in the teen flick bucket.

Screenwriter Diablo Cody (a super hot ex-stripper and blogger) says, “I like the secret vernaculars that pop up in society…” and let me finish her sentence - “and then I want to squeeze them all into a movie and make them screamingly obvious and overused.” HERE, have a sample and watch this Juno’s Lingo clip. Honest to blog.

Yep, the makers of Juno’s philosophy is “if something is good, overuse it.” Another example is the soundtrack. It’s so obvious the people who picked the songs for the movie were listening to Kimya Dawson tracks and thought, “Oh, that one is good, let’s use that one. Wait no, THAT one is good, we have to use that one. Ooh ooh another good one! Oh fashizzle brody, let’s use every single fucking adorable song she’s ever sung, her innocent style will go so wicked bitchin’ with the innocent and cute way a teen girl gets knocked up and does the right thing.”

Nothing against Ellen Page and Michael Cera, they were cute as bugs. And I loved the fashion - all those vintage t-shirts and weird colors. And the socks she wore during the birthing scene? She borrowed them from me.

Say, have you ever noticed why Michael Cera looks perpetually surprised? It’s because he only has half eyebrows. He looks like a Peanuts character.

Speaking of, you MUST watch this clip of him being interviewed by my secret lover Zach Galifianakis. God I love that beard.

Here’s the thing: I’ve interacted online with enough people down under to start to think that Australians (men only?) are FREAKS and New Zealanders are awesome.

My hot co-worker (who looks like Charlotte from Sex and The City and says things like, “Oh fuck nuts!”) and I were looking over an Australian guy’s website who wanted to work for our company. Naturally I can’t link to it, but here are a couple excerpts from his “About” page:

“One should cultivate one’s garden, I thought with Voltaire, and avoid the negative emotions that go with contemplating all the death, destruction and ugliness that are out there beyond the personal sphere.”

“I see myself as ‘humana’ in a sense unrelated in important ways to nature…”

My co-worker’s response to that? “What the fuck does that mean?” She then went on to declare, “Self-analysis is the highest form of masturbation.”

I laughed and she said, “It’s true - ever talk with someone about yourself for an extended period of time, and at the end you feel like, ‘wow, glad I got that out’ and kind of dirty?”

Um, yes.

Just a quick plug to tell you how fucking cool roller derby is. Yeah, yeah, I know, a lot of you have known this for a LONG time, but I finally took my daughter to see a match between Arch Rival Roller Girls and The Windy City Rollers.

You gotta love the names of the players - Athena De Crime, Hoosier Mama, Malice With Chains, Goldie Shocks, Strawberry Shortkick. (More awesome names here.)

Here are a couple I came up with - Frida Killer and Jean Hardblow. And they should serve a drink called The Pabst Smear.

It was THE FIRST sporting event I’ve ever attended that I enjoyed. Fast paced, exciting, feminist, a diverse crowd, and lots of costumes. I loved all the fishnets and stripy socks. And beer. It was like a female version of a tractor pull. It was almost white trash, almost ghetto (OK, mainly because they played heavy metal and rap). Fuck yeah.

Here is why my guy is so amazing and fabulous, even if he is a caveman dude.

1. My old laptop died, so he bought me a new one. Fuck diamond rings and tropical cruises, nothing is hotter to a chick blogger than a shiny new laptop. (Though if you notice more typos than usual in my upcoming posts, it’s because the keyboard is so sensitive and slick - like lube! - and my fingers need to get used to it.)

2. He went shopping with a girlfriend of ours and brought home a huge bag of LUSH bath bombs. They were having a big sale (ends Jan 20!) so he snatched up a bunch. I fairly swooned when I saw such bounty. Seriously, I freaked into heaven. He must really think I stink to buy that much.

3. He ties me up.

Another guest post by The Wild Woman. A true story that makes me truly jealous.

“Take your fingers and explore the lower part of her sex” he whispered in my ear. I didn’t want to stop teasing her g-spot, her sex tightening around my fingers as I manipulated the ridge, but I obeyed and turned my attention to the opposite side of her pussy. “There is much to feel there too, my sweet.”

He would know - it was his wife’s pussy.

With two fingers I moved in big circles, amazed at how she opened for me. It was a whole new world, this bottom part of her sex. I wanted to crawl inside of her.

She opened her eyes and looked at me. I was focused on pleasuring her, her husband whispering advice in my ear, all the while caressing, kissing her body. She smiled and closed her eyes, head resting on her pillow… enjoying the attention and the pleasure. “She craves your fingers when you’re not with us. Mine aren’t as long and slender as yours. Give her another one.” I slipped a third finger in her sex and pushed them deep inside of her, moving them all around, her sex opening further for them.

“Would you like to put your fist inside of her?” I looked at him with surprise and nodded yes. He squeezed more lubricant on my hand and his. He rubbed all around her opening, massaging her clit. Her sex tightened a bit. I looked up at her, her beautiful full breasts heaving with each breath. Moans escaped her sweet mouth. He moved up to her ear and gently told her, “Get ready dear, you’re going to get her fist.” She gasped and kissed him passionately.

“Insert another finger.” I nervously did as he told. Four fingers moved slowly around in her sex. I closed them inside of her, the knuckles on the back of my hand pushing against the ridge of her upper sex. “Let it open and stretch around your hand.” And it did. I occasionally moved my mouth to her hard clit and kissed it gently, then licked in circles around it.

“Slowly begin the insertion of your thumb.” I pulled my fingers out just enough so I could close my thumb in the palm of my hand. Then I slid my thumb up to the ends of my fingers, as if I had a sock puppet on my hand and began my slow journey inside of her sex. He squirted more lubricant and told me to be very slow and gentle. I could feel her sex resist my hand with each push, then she would open and I would push further. “Don’t move your fingers inside of her, let her body accept your hand first.” So I held still and felt the clenching of her sex.

I learned that when sliding your hand inside a woman’s pussy, your fingers naturally begin to turn inward and form a fist. The lower part of her sex opens and it’s there your fist will be the most comfortable.

I was all the way inside of her, only my wrist visible at the entrance of her beautiful pussy. Her moans had stopped - the intenseness of being completely full was taking away all sound from her mouth. He kissed her and told her how beautiful it was to see my fist deep inside. “I’ll be back,” he whispered to her… “Don’t move your fingers yet, wait.”

He left the room and returned with a mirror. He held it so she could see this amazing sight. I thought she would come just from the view. He asked if she was ready to come, she nodded yes. “It only takes a very small movement from your fingers, if you move too much, it could be very painful for her.” I slowly moved my fingers and put my mouth on her clit. She cried out. I stopped. He smiled and said to me “It’s all right, that was a good scream. This is going to get very intense.” I used my free hand to manipulate her clit. I needed to see her face to better judge what was pleasurable/painful.

When she got close he told her that the orgasm may be painful. She didn’t care, she needed release. “When she comes, stop all movement and whatever you do, don’t take your fist from her.” I nodded and continued pleasuring her to orgasm. When she came, she screamed… no… she growled out like a wild animal, her body shaking, her pussy so tight around my wrist I was losing circulation. He comforted her and kissed her.

I removed my fist as gently as it had entered her. My fingers were wet and lacking blood. The scent of her cum filled the air. She lay there looking at me and him, completely satisfied, unable to move. I crawled up next to her, kissed her, laid my head on her breasts while she stroked my hair. My sex was wet and craving. I felt his fingers plunge deep inside of me. Then he fucked me while she held me close.

This week we feature a virgin from Illinois. (I’m actually surprised at how many adult virgins read this blog.)

Name: JB, Male, 22
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: Never
Your living arrangement: Moved in with my mom for a month before I move to London, however I lived in the dorms for three years.
Job situation: Student, I am a Jr. at University, and I love it.
Fashion sense: Cargo pants (khaki or light brown), and various button up shirts along with a plain polo every now and then. I refuse for the most part to wear any thing that is branded with a logo so that kind of restricts my options on clothes.
Do you floss regularly? Every other day or so.
Do you drink? No
Do you smoke? No
Addicted to anything? No
Hobbies: Biking, metal working (i make jewelery and do some blacksmithing). I also make hardwood paddles for a some people I know who are into S&M.
Do you exercise regularly? I ride a bike 30-40 miles a week.
Places you hang out: Mostly friends houses and the cafe I go to for Arabic lessons.
What kind of porn do you like? All kinds, however most of my collection is BBW, S&M, and amateur. Not necessarily in that order.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? Overall I like women - all shapes and sizes excite me greatly, however I tend to be most attracted to bigger girls (180-215 lbs) who are intelligent and not afraid to speak their mind. I also tend to be far more attracted to personality than looks. As for a fetish, I enjoy a little mild pain now and then.
Are you dom or sub? I am fairly sure I am a sub, but I also think I could be a dom in certain situations also.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 4-5, I am overweight but not ugly.
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 3-4, however like I said, I would very well go lower if the personality was right.
Last place you went on vacation: Pensacola, Florida and on the way home I drove one of my best friends to Augusta GA to see her husband and got to video tape said couple in a threesome with his Korean roommate.
Religion: Atheist
Charity you would give money to: UNICEF and the ACLU.
Music you listen to: Humm I listen mostly to NPR, but on the occasion I do listen to music it is old rock or jazz.
Person you respect/admire: Anyone who is willing to speak truth to power…. so I guess you get Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, and a slew of others.
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, how many times have you been in love): None. I have loved two girls in my life and both of them have ended up as friends rather than lovers. Being the fool that I am, I chased after the first one through high school, and the second for the last four years off and on. After pulling my head out of my ass I decided to get back in the game a year or so ago.
Any physical issues: I am overweight but still in OK shape for being 5′9′ and 250-60 pounds
What would you do if you found a wallet with money in it? I would attempt to find the owner and return it. In the absence of that I would shred the contents other than the money and donate that to one of the aforementioned organizations. I am a firm believer in karma, and believe that you get what you give.
Weird habit: I tend to draw things out a little more than necessary sometimes, as you can tell from my answers. Beyond that I whistle sometimes when walking long distances. Oh yeah and I collect porn but I guess that comes with being an almost 23 year old virgin….

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Well, JB, you are an odd one, and how cool is your life! You’re a student, about to move to London, you make paddles as a hobby, you’re learning how to speak Arabic, and on your last road trip you filmed a threesome?! (Say, when you move, ditch the childish initials-as-a-name thing and go by your first name instead. A woman is way more likely to sleep with a “John” or “James” than a “JB.”)

Thanks for sending along your pic so I could get a look at you. You are handsome, love the glasses. You get major points for refusing to wear logos (why be some corporate fucks billboard?) and flossing regularly. Thank goodness you’ve learned your lesson and won’t be squandering energy on unrequited love anymore. And it’s great that you are interested in bigger women. Surely there are plenty of sassy fat girls in England. And I’m so impressed with your attitude about the right personality trumping looks in your book. Sounds to me like you want some brilliant big girl who will use and abuse you.

I’ve seen tons of women like that on Craigslist/Casual Encounters, and they always get passed over by all the dudes I know because they are “too big” for their taste. So why aren’t you snatching them up? You could have one for every day of the week if you wanted. OK I’m guessing they’re not the smartest group of people, but you could have a wild fling right before you leave the country.

Take a look, and why don’t YOU place an ad on CL? Something like, “22 yr old student, handsome, 250 lbs. about to move to London for a few months, looking for one last fling with a sassy all-American BBW before I go” or hell, mention that you want to lose the virginity in order to travel lighter, I’ll bet that would go over big.

If you can take care of that here, your mojo will be jacked up for the trip, and the British birds will sense that and will be gobbling you up like fish n’ chips.

Why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and I’ll tell you. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Someone asked to see the chest harness the tail below was attached to. I’m delighted to share. I love how wearing rope feels. I love how it tickles and thrums as it glides over the skin to be secured. I love how tight and snug it gets, and wearing it for a while until I’m eager to be released. It’s such a relief to feel it coming off, like an insect freeing itself from its old, tight exoskeleton, and coming out fresh and new.

I found out one of my friends has a tail fetish! She wants to get one of those butt plugs with a horse or fox tail attached to it.

Here are pics of me taken the other night with a rope tail my man made out of the excess rope from my chest harness.

OK here’s something to lighten the mood a bit. My friend showed me this trick that works well for parties and grade school functions.

Take a pen and draw on your finger, like so.

Stick finger in pants, like so.

Wait, no, more like this, use knuckle.

Ahhh, yes. Now that’s a tadger to be proud of.