Bustin’ In The Bible
Filed under: Eros - January 29, 2008 @ 6:00 amWhenever I check in to hotel rooms, the first thing I do is unplug the television so that the next person who checks in will think the TV is broken - turning on the TV is the first thing many people do when they walk into a hotel room (incorrect move! the correct first move when entering a hotel room is to remove the filthy bedspread.) Then maintenance will be called and it will turn out the TV is unplugged.
A guy I know has a different hotel ritual that is even more shit disturbing. He whacks off in the bible. Curious, I asked him a few questions.
When did you first get the idea to jack off in bibles in hotel rooms?
The idea came out of laziness. There were no tissues nearby, but the bible was right next to the bed. The first time I did it, I tore a few pages out of the middle and used them to clean myself up just as you would with a tissue. I made sure to tear up the pages after I soiled them with my seed and hid them in the garbage.
I enjoyed the rebellious act even more because I was trying to date a girl who was very religious. Eventually (a month after the bible jerk) she wanted to date me, but couldn’t because I didn’t believe in jesus as much as her.
If I jerked off into the bible again that first trip, I probably just blew my load into the book and closed it. That practice became the normal procedure.
How many times have you done it?
6-7. It became one of my “things,” and being a 20 year old college student, it was a badge of honor to the people I knew would appreciate it.
Is it one of the first things you do when you check in, or is it something you do at your leisure as part of your hotel ritual?
Well…sometimes you have roommates, so you have to do it when the time is right. I LOVE to masturbate!!!! The bible jerk became a bit of a ritual and some trips I’d do it multiple times. I mean, come on!!! I’m jerking off in the bible, that’s a BIG DEAL.
What bible verse/section do you choose to spill your seed on? If you don’t have a set verse, can you suggest a good one?
I never really cared which author got the facial when I played cumshot roulette. Those bibles are pretty cheap, and the paper is very thin. I usually shoot somewhere in the middle, it WILL soak through a few pages. If you really want to tell God to “fuck off” do it in one of the Gospels. Jesus gets resurrected and the next thing you know Slimer gobs him in his handsome beard. If you have a nice bible (like the one I got for Confirmation) you can unload on the Pope’s face. Who doesn’t wanna give it to Emperor Palpatine. Another book of the bible to consider is Leviticus. It has all the fun rules in it. “A man cannot spill his seed on the ground…”
Were you raised religious?
I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic grade school and high school.
Are you atheist?
I’m probably agnostic. I want to believe in something, but I don’t know what it is. I believe in people. Perhaps I’m a humanist. I went through an angry Christ hating phase, but now I’m comfortable with anything that isn’t forced on people.
Do you only do it when you’re the only person staying in the room?
Some people I have entrusted with this sensitive information find it hilarious and intriguing. One time my friend/roommate took the bible into the bathroom and dotted all the i’s in Leviticus. At this hotel, we were fortunate enough to have a book of mormon. I got on the bed and gave the next testament of Jesus Christ an extra thick white mocha. At that moment, I had jerked off in all three testaments.
What cities have you done this in?
A few. I don’t do it anymore. I still want to, but I wonder if somehow, someway it’ll come back to haunt me. I’m not going to run for office, but for many people this is an unforgivable act.
I recently went out of town, I already had your questions and they made me crave for a bible cum. I normally jerk off once or twice a day. Due to travel and the roommate situation I hadn’t relieved myself for over three days. I laid on the bed and used the complimentary lotion, lots of it. The stage was set, I had the bible open on my stomach. I thought for sure I would have a huge quantity of Nut Milk saved up, but alas, it dribbled out of my dick as if it were my second orgasm. What can I say? It wasn’t meant to be.
Concluding remarks:
I encourage you all to try it. Next time I go to a hotel I’m going to look in the bible - if some of the pages are stuck together, wrinkled or smell funny, it’ll make me smile. This is something you do when you travel, therefore, it is my gift to the world.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:21 am
Personally I try never to touch anything in hotel rooms. Ever since we decided to bring our blacklight, body fluid detecting flashlight (honestly, how do you get pee on a fucking ceiling?) its all plastic bags and flip flops when we stay in hotel rooms.
Keep up the good bible cumming work though. I wholly support it, even though it’s fucking gross.
January 29th, 2008 at 7:49 am
While I understand that the Bible was indeed written by men, I do believe we should respect it as we respect any “holy work” - the Tao, the Te, the Torah, the Koran… I think it is truly disgusting that someone uses a “holy work” as a cum space.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Eh, unless the book in question is a historical artifact I see no reason to treat it any differently than any other stack of paper. Reverence for a cheap, mass-produced propaganda leaflet is silly. Rather like protecting the flag at the expense of the freedoms it is supposed to represent.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:43 am
I’m with baconordeath. The Bible in particular is one of the most vile pieces of literature I have ever read. It is not special or deserving of my respect and in my opinion deserves less respect then other books which are not nearly so putrid.
That said, I’m not down with destroying someone else’s property, so I usually just stick the bible behind the toilet when I visit hotel rooms.
The idea that certain ideas or books are holy and therefore untouchable or above criticism disturbs me.
January 29th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
What a friggin’ fantastic idea! LOL
This post just made me wish I could be a guy just for a day. Jerking off into it is kind of the only sensible thing to do with a bible. Well, apart from using it as toilet paper, obviously.
January 29th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
I’ve gotta say the comments about being afraid it’d come back to haunt him made me laugh. The thing is, his irreverent act actually is a kind of reverence. He’s acknowledging it’s symbolic power just by thinking there is gravity to the act. Expending energy to hate something acknowledges that it is worth hating; hatred is respect with your back turned.
To be clear, I can’t be angry with this guy. I own three Bibles (one in Latin), several devotionals, and almost the complete works of C.S. Lewis. So, if anyone here ought to be angry, it’s me. The thing is, I know enough Christians who, if they habitually masturbated, would totally have soiled a couple copies of “The Da Vinci Code”. People jacking off in Bibles is penance for all those books my over-excitable brethren boycotted in last decade. (For the record, I loved the Harry Potter series. I even own ‘Harrius Potter et philosophi lapis’.)
January 29th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
“Were you raised religious?”
“I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic grade school and high school.”
No other explanation needed
January 29th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I am not saying that I agree with the Bible, Ziztur… I can come up with a thousand and one things within it that disturb me and make me want to wretch. I simply acknowledge that it is respected by a multitude of people as a holy book and so perhaps we could respect our fellow men and women and find a different cum rag? Or not. To each your own.
January 29th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
hehe.
oh my, this cracks my shit up.
January 30th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
MMMMM! Sacrelicious! Too bad they don’t have the Torah and Koran in the rooms as well. Id like to take a poop in all three! For those of you who are really offended by this take a minute to think about all the wars that have been fought and the people who’ve died over the bullshit contained within those books. As far as Im concerned thats far more offensive.
January 30th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Some people need a hobby
January 30th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Just for the record, the Torah is in the Bible. It’s the first five books.
January 31st, 2008 at 5:52 am
The Torah is the old testament, defiling it separately would be purely symbolic!
January 31st, 2008 at 2:43 pm
The Hebrew Torah is inherently different from the Christian botched-in-translation “old testament” versions. I’d go ahead and get a Hebrew Bible to…you know…if that’s what you want
Then again, to spite the error-fraught Christian version, you might just go ahead and do it in there, too.
January 31st, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I totally get this if that is what does it for you. Back in my church going days I would masturbate in different places in the church, my husband(boyfriend at the time) and the pastors assistant ha ha, would fuck me all over the church, pews, stage, church van, etc. It was easy enough since he had a spare set of keys. What was great was years later telling friends about it and them thinking how they had bible study around the table WE just sanctified.
February 1st, 2008 at 11:10 am
Im glad all of the experts are educating us religiously ignorant on which versions of these books are the best. I want to make sure I have the proper versions before I open them up and drop a hot one on them!
February 3rd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
That’s awesome! I’m going to have to go on vacation soon just so I can stay in a hotel and try this myself. Maybe I can involve santorum (http://www.spreadingsantorum.com/) somehow too!
I would say that spooging in a Gideon is indeed more respectful than burning the book if you’re really concerned about that sort of thing. If the next Christian to use the room suddenly feels the urge to look something up in the middle of the night, they still can.
I unplug the goddamn TV as well. I also reverse polarize the batteries (flip them around) in the remote. If I’m really bored I start rewiring things completely.
February 3rd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I’m with Gina on this one. Bible/Christian bashing is as bad as bible thumping in my book. Such elaborate shows of contempt are counterproductive at best and really only serve to prove how big of an asshole a person is.
Also, I consider defacement of ANY book to be sacriligious. But that’s just me.
February 10th, 2008 at 9:49 am
“Also, I consider defacement of ANY book to be sacriligious. But that’s just me.”
Isn’t that the point