The Beautiful Kind

This week we feature an interior designer with an interesting physical issue…

Name: Herbie, Male, 31
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: December 31, 2002
Where do you live? St. Louis, MO USA
Your living arrangement: Own house
Job situation: Interior designer, I’m passionate about what I do.
Fashion sense: Work-professional. Socially-jeans and fun shirt. Favorite pieces of clothing-white leather jacket, black Italian boots, love my brightly colored shirts, also enjoy anything black. I basically look like a designer.
Do you floss regularly? Yes
Do you drink? Socially
Do you smoke? The occasional cigar when the occasion calls for it
Addicted to anything? Diet Pepsi
Places you hang out: If you mean a regular hangout, then none. I like to frequent new places with friends. Fav places to go- art museum, any sidewalk cafe, South Grand, Central West End, any corner bar that I can have a conversation with who I am with.
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? A bunch
How many people do you currently know that you would like to fuck? One
What are the obstacles (why aren’t you fucking her?) She’s dating a friend of mine
What do you like to eat? I’m not a picky eater, I’ll try anything
Do you frequent strip clubs? I go every couple months, and the girls always remember me.
What kind of porn do you like? Compilations..forget the plots, just show me the sex. I enjoy threesomes and anal
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? Stockings….painted toes….tongue rings….total anal fetish
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) total dom…but will listen to suggestions (i.e.-a little to the left…higher, higher…) I’d do the tying, but I have tied myself to a bed naked on valentine’s day for a woman before. Once again, in total control of the situation.
One word to describe your voice: Unique
Last place you went on vacation: Italy for the winter Olympics, Germany for carnival
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?) No kids, totally open to having them with the right woman, I would think that once you hit 30 then most people who you would end up dating have kids, so yes I would date someone with kids.
Religion: Non-practicing Catholic who loves to discuss religion and philosophy with others
Charity you would give money to: I give every year to the Women’s Safe House
Political affiliation: Libertarian
Movies you have loved: I love all types of movies, foreign, indie, gay and lesbian…doesn’t matter
People you respect/admire: My dad for the job he used to do (police officer), and my mom for putting up with my dad.
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, are you divorced, how many times have you been in love): 2 serious relationships….the 4 year college relationship, and the 2 year live-in girlfriend who moved away relationship. never married, been in love twice
Any physical issues (limp, acne, chronic health condition): Only that I look like David Spade, and also like Hermey the Elf from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer….and trust me, those are physical issues.

The Beautiful Kind’s Verdict: Herbie, I am so glad you openly acknowledge the fact that you look like an elf, because that would have been an awkward thing for me to have to tell you. I think you do have that working against you, along with the easy assumption that you are gay (interior designer, snazzy dresser, anal fetish, a striking resemblance to Queer Eye’s Carson Kressley).

I am convinced you’re not gay and are overwhelmingly attracted to women. I also sense that you suffer a touch of the “Nice Guy Syndrome” - of COURSE the strippers remember you whenever you come in. (You get major points for flossing regularly and supporting the Women’s Safe House, by the way.)

I don’t know of any women who have an elf fetish, so here is the first thing you should do: go into a good hair salon (for fucks sake, not Great Clips) with a picture of Hermey the Elf and tell them you do NOT want to look like that. Get a square, masculine cut, kinda like these examples, something that needs just a touch of product.

Next, keep an eye out for a petite, stylish Asian woman (hopefully she’ll be down with anal). That is who you should be with - you’d make such a cute couple! I’m a big fan of contrast. Dare I say hop on Asian Friend Finder or join the International Meetup group here in town? You need to make some sort of change in your life - adjust your social circle a bit, visit a Buddhist or Hindu temple, explore an Asian country on your next vacation.

Other than that, you’re good - you’re adventurous, flush with cash, have a great personality and sense of humor. You also have impeccable taste - it’s so nice to find someone else who also hates those cheap white cabinet knobs. It would be a dream to live with a guy with good taste, since so many men are lacking in that department. If you keep it confident and open your eyes a little more, mark my words - things are going to change for you this year.

Let’s do lunch again sometime soon!

Why aren’t you getting laid? Be a brave little elf and request a questionnaire. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com