Ask The Monk: What Does God REALLY Think About Sex?
Filed under: Ask The Slut - January 14, 2008 @ 6:00 am
Dear Monk,
I think it is SO cool that a real live monk reads my blog! I love being your guilty pleasure. So tell me, what does God REALLY think about sex? Is there anything on my blog that is clearly a religious no-no? Also, do you have to be abstinent? Can you ever marry? If so, what if your wife got off on being called a dirty little slut in the bedroom - could you pull that off? What kind of monk are you, anyway? Are you a virgin?
Love, The Slut aka TBK
Dear Slut,
The orders that I follow are from the Celtic Christian Community of Northumbria. Technically, though, I’m not part of the community’s infrastructure, which is because the community is in Scotland. They belong to a movement called “New Monasticism”. We live our lives in a cycle of fueling periods and burning periods.
During a fueling period, we try to isolate ourselves as much as possible from “the world” to saturate ourselves in Christ. Then, in a burning period, we get as pro-active in our world as possible. We also strive to be vulnerable and available, first to God, then to other humans.
A big part of it is an extra level of commitment to spiritual disciplines. We go to a certain extreme in the hopes of inspiring our fellow believers around us to go a little farther. It’s being a 10 so that all of the 4s will become 7s. There are also levels of spiritual authority attached to it, which means more responsibilities than other believers.
I am allowed to marry. I am not actually under a vow of abstinence as part of my monk-hood. By abstinence, I mean waiting until you’re married to have sex. That abstinence is a basic part of a relationship with Christ. Since we believe He designed sex to be only for a man and wife, out of love for Him, we respect that design. A vow of chastity, on the other hand, is never having sex or getting married, ever.
Birth control’s a thing of beauty! There’s this story the Old Testament about a guy refusing to cum in his wife and God kills him for it, which leads some to believe birth control is evil. However, if you read carefully, there are these customs involving land ownership that show the guy is actually being greedy and trying to shank his brother out of land.
I really don’t think I could call my future wife a slut. Obviously, “whore” and “slut” carry non-abstinent connotations, hence the negative association. Abstinence as a virtue is based on the idea that when the physical bodies join, so do the souls. We believe that when you have sex with someone, the eternal part of yourself is stitched together with your partner’s. This was put in place, by God, as a model for our relationship with him.
Christians call themselves the “Bride of Christ” (even the men). Prayer, meditation and worship are supposed to be like having sex with God and certain virtues (known as “the fruits of the spirit”) are the pregnancy from that union. Since God demands that we only worship (have spirit-sex with) him, we believe that we’re only supposed to have sex with our spouse.
Kinky sex isn’t discouraged by this doctrine. Causing physical and emotional damage are out (though a little bruising is okay), but apart from that, no holds are barred once that ring is in place. Also, God considers sex itself the thing that marries you to another, the ceremony is just for the relatives.
All of this spiritual significance of sex I’m talking about comes from the Bible. There isn’t one section that outlines all of it, but a section here says this and one over there says that, put them together and voila! But it’s all in the Bible. (”Song of Solomon” is really hot if you can unravel the metaphors.)
As for your blog… obviously, a proper three-way is out given the exclusive nature God demands of sex. While technically, your thing wasn’t really three-way sex, it crossed a line that a Christian shouldn’t cross. Also, anything involving humiliation is teetering on that border of acceptability. Emotional and physical damage as aphrodisiac are right out. But, for the most part, anything between a married husband and wife that they’re both cool with is all good.
Yes, I am a virgin. The “furthest” I’ve gone was massaging a girlfriend’s breasts through her shirt, in high school. 32C, too bad she was crazy.
January 14th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
I’m curious as to the age of your Monk fan. Also, what if that groping session was with a non-crazy highschooler? Would that have made any difference in the grand scheme of things?
My last date was with a young man who plans to be a pastor. He is absolutely amazing and fun. Before that, I was last out with my non boyfriend sex fiend. The contrast is beautiful.
I want to pick his brain about how his religion affects his views on sex.. but maybe I should wait until the third date. I hope I don’t scare him away before that! He’s only seen my sweet and innocent side.
This post brings some good points for that conversation if/when we have it.
January 15th, 2008 at 12:48 am
Whenever I have a question about god, I just refer to THE OFFICIAL GOD FAQ :http://www.400monkeys.com/God/
January 21st, 2008 at 9:39 am
Monk Guy, What is the academic consensus on the gay issue, from your experience? Is this all just about a few mistranslated passages? And if homosexuality is an abomination, what do you make of all the other wacked out rules, such as in Leviticus? If I’m on my period, I’m not supposed to touch anyone or anything, right? And the cloth made of two fibers thing, what about that?
Meanwhile, I’d also like to know why this nice God guy hates women so much. Do you have trouble selling the whole “Word of God” line when you know touching stories like Judges 19 are included in that?
January 22nd, 2008 at 2:42 am
Hey Jen, that’s a tall order of a question(s). I’ll answer each one quickly, but know that there’s a ton of detail I could go into on each one.
The academic consensus on homosexuality is that God is opposed to it. Which is not to say that it’s “unnatural”; lying is a natural defense skill, but God doesn’t like that either. Think of it this way, you write a letter to the editor opposing a local bill being voted on, but the editor takes quotes out of context and twists them to sound in favor of the bill. That’s sort of how God sees homosexuality.
1/3 of Levitical law is about basic sanitation. Remember, this is before soap and showering, when people owned two sets of clothing at most. Not to say menstrual blood is “dirty”, but without the grand improvements in sanitation that would be made by the time of the Roman empire, a lot of those whacked out rules were for public health safety. I don’t totally get the two fibers thing, either, but there are passages in the New Testament that repeal much of Levitical law. They served a purpose, but became obsolete.
If you think God hates women, you’ve met the wrong God. There are a lot of Biblical laws that seem to suppose men own women, but look closely at those laws. In a culture, not of God’s design, where women are objects, those laws protect women from being exploited. Also check out this passage from 1 Corinthians: “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” Then, jump back to the Gospels. Jesus is crucified and comes back from the dead three days later. The Resurrection was the single most important act of Jesus’ life, and who does he talk to first after coming back to life? Mary Magdalene (John 20:14). Jesus even sends Mary to tell the men what happened. In first century Arabia, women couldn’t testify in court, but Jesus chooses a woman to be the first person to know he’s come back to life. God loves women! I could give you a dozen more passages proving this, e-mail me and I’ll send them to you.
Judges 19 is one of the most disturbing pieces of history ever recorded. Did you read Chapter 20? When news of that horrifying murder spreads, 400,000 men (the Israelites) descend upon the murderers (the Gibeahites) and get their asses handed to them for two days of fighting. Then the Israelites turn to God and say “Should we keep fighting them?” God says, “Fight them tomorrow and I’ll deliver them into your hands.” Third day, the Israelites kick Gibeahite butt until there’s no more butt to kick. However, the text is very clear, that it’s only armed men against armed men. Do I have trouble buying that Judges is the Word of God when the most horrendous murder I’ve ever heard of is avenged with God’s blessing? Absolutely not!
The Bible has lots of ugly stuff in it, but just because it is described in the Bible, does not mean it is prescribed in the Bible.
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:04 am
O, religion! You’re so quaint!