The Beautiful Kind

I have a huge thing for crafty women. I feel like an old man pervert when I go to those indie craft shows because I ogle the chicks who make all the pretty light switch plates, jewelry, and sock monkeys. They’re always quirky and wear glasses and are cute and sweet. And talented, too!

Just LOOK at this clever purse a local crafter made:

She claims my blog inspired her, and I’ll go ahead and take the credit, thank you. So what would you call a purse like this? An undie clutch? Bloomer bag? Tighty whitey tote? (this is the best thing to do with tighty whiteys, by the way - men certainly shouldn’t wear them, although they might look cute on a girl with a wifebeater.)

My fav name is one the crafter herself came up with - Rocketbook Pocketbook. And I HAVE a Pocket Rocket to tuck inside! The best part of the clutch is that there’s a little peep hole in the front with a button closure so you can stash little treasures there. Yep, this is a great bag to stash your junk.

You can find these (and all the hot crafty women) at the Indie Valentine show Saturday night.

Oh wow, someone just sent me this video - HOW TIMELY!

A girlfriend of mine emailed another girlfriend of mine:

“HisLittleSlut, how do you feel about being locked in a dog crate? Creepy or hot? (it’s a big dog crate)”

FYI: HisLittleSlut was open to the idea.

I saw a porn one time of a hot woman in a cage and several guys were fucking her/making her suck their dicks through the bars and it was so hot. The caption to the vid was so sexist, it said, “Sometimes they let her out to clean the house.” GEEZ!

Since then I’ve fantasized about a woman whose husband is having guy friends over to watch a football game, and when they start to arrive the husband orders her into her cage. It’s in the room next to the room where the big screen TV is. She dutifully goes and gets locked in the cage, and there she services the beer drinking men, whoever, whenever they want, they wander up and use her, then go back and watch the game. OY so wrong.

That’s the only time I ever think about football, by the way.

Dear Slut,
My husband and I have only been with each other since we met as teens and are hoping to maximize our sensual needs with each other. We are first timers wanting to swing, where are the best places to meet a possible couple? And, how does the swinging process work? We have experimented with a threesome before because I wanted to be with another woman, but I am curious, since our safe couple fell thru, what is it like to have sex with a complete stranger.
Thanks ~Complete Joy~ (St. Louis)
PS: You are a sexy cunt.

Dear Joy,
I have to admit, having sex with a total stranger is a rush. The good news is, swinging is all around you. Someone posted a comment on my myspace page just yesterday: “Swingers Party at SpyBar in O’Fallon mo tonight” and I know for a fact there is a daytime gang bang going on in West County today. Swingers often get together at the trashy Dorsett Inn. My guy and I are 90% sure that our next door neighbors are swingers. (Hint: Around here, a good clue to know if someone is a swinger is if they frequent the Lake of the Ozarks in the summer. Party Cove, baby.)

In other words, there is a wealth of action to choose from out there, from invite-only orgies in private homes to hotel takeovers by a huge hedonistic group. Take a look on myspace, do a Google search for “swinger St. Louis lifestyle” - bam, there you go. The three biggest swing sites you can join are SwingLifeStyle, Swappernet, and Lifestyle Lounge. LL is the best of the bunch, better quality people on there, but it’s pricier.

Most swingers like to get to know each other by exchanging a few messages online and then going on a double date. If you’re really into hooking up with a stranger, mention that fantasy on your swinger profile or post an ad on Craigslist, man that place is teeming with kinky fuckers who can indulge your every fetish. For swinger newbies, check out this great site put out by CoupleDoingIt. The video is a great fun intro to swinging (there are a couple parts of it I don’t like, but overall it is spot on.) Happy hunting!

Feelin’ frisky but don’t know what to do with it? Drop me a line at love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Alias: The Buffy Kind
Age: 28
Relationship status: Monogamously Married
Sexual orientation: Straight; Faux Lesbian Tendencies with friends (i.e., silly dry humping/boob grabbing….don’t we all, though?)
Favorite physical feature on yourself: My butt. It may get bigger, but it doesn’t get sag or lose it’s shape. I appreciate that.
Beauty tip: Stop fucking caring about beauty so damn much. People may be attracted to you because of your beauty, but they’ll never *like* you for it.
Charity you support: Susan G. Komen, since my mom just got boobie cancer. I will probably get it one day, so since I mostly care about myself, I’m all for finding a cure.
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? Sharpshooting, just in case the revolution ever comes and I need to take up arms for the Great Blue North.
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? What happens to you when you die. I have my own theories, but I want to know for sure.
What is one of the bravest things you have ever done? My dad says that when my sister and I were little, we were at my grandparents farm and a cow started stampeding towards my sister. I stepped in front of her and stuck my arms up in the air. My dad was running toward us, but before he got there, the cow apparently saw the “Don’t step to this, motherfucker!” look in my eyes and just stopped. So I saved my sister’s life. I don’t remember any of this, but I think it’s pretty BAD ASS for an 8 year old.
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): Fearlessly dancing like a complete and utter spastic freak
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): Necking
The last time you had sex, and with who: Husband, three days ago. I know, your readers will be scandalized.
Tattoos/piercings: The standard late 90’s, ear cartilage piercing. I can’t take it out, it’s one of the last vestiges of my youth.
What type of person are you into? Someone I can be all sides of myself with
What do you fantasize about? Ripping out Dick Cheney’s still-beating heart with my bare hands
Pubic hairstyle: Razor burn
What do your nipples look like? Pink, average. I’ve had friends tell me they’re pretty good, as far as nips go.
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? <link here to fart in shower, ejaculate on face story>
Any regrets? Good grief, where do I start? I majored in journalism in college, I didn’t wear bikinis and tight clothes EVERY DAY back when I was 115 lbs. because I thought I was fat, I never dated anyone insanely rich just for his money, and I had my wedding in a Catholic Church. I am the queen of bad choices.
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? Desperation.

The Monk has his own blog!

An excerpt:

Sex Monk is probably the most unique feature of this blog. I’ve sub-titled it ‘further exploring the endless connections between sexuality and spirituality’ as a nod to Rob Bell’s fantastic book Sex God.

This feature is all about exploring a topic many Christians are afraid of in a spiritually safe and modest, yet meaningful, way. I’m not an expert on this subject, which is why I’ve opted for ‘exploration’ instead of ‘answers’.

I’ll be adding to this section on my own, but any questions you have are more than welcome. Are certain kinks okay? Is any kink okay? Whatever. Don’t be afraid to look sheltered or slutty, we’re all trying to find an elusive paradigm.

Whenever I check in to hotel rooms, the first thing I do is unplug the television so that the next person who checks in will think the TV is broken - turning on the TV is the first thing many people do when they walk into a hotel room (incorrect move! the correct first move when entering a hotel room is to remove the filthy bedspread.) Then maintenance will be called and it will turn out the TV is unplugged.

A guy I know has a different hotel ritual that is even more shit disturbing. He whacks off in the bible. Curious, I asked him a few questions.

When did you first get the idea to jack off in bibles in hotel rooms?
The idea came out of laziness. There were no tissues nearby, but the bible was right next to the bed. The first time I did it, I tore a few pages out of the middle and used them to clean myself up just as you would with a tissue. I made sure to tear up the pages after I soiled them with my seed and hid them in the garbage.

I enjoyed the rebellious act even more because I was trying to date a girl who was very religious. Eventually (a month after the bible jerk) she wanted to date me, but couldn’t because I didn’t believe in jesus as much as her.

If I jerked off into the bible again that first trip, I probably just blew my load into the book and closed it. That practice became the normal procedure.

How many times have you done it?
6-7. It became one of my “things,” and being a 20 year old college student, it was a badge of honor to the people I knew would appreciate it.

Is it one of the first things you do when you check in, or is it something you do at your leisure as part of your hotel ritual?
Well…sometimes you have roommates, so you have to do it when the time is right. I LOVE to masturbate!!!! The bible jerk became a bit of a ritual and some trips I’d do it multiple times. I mean, come on!!! I’m jerking off in the bible, that’s a BIG DEAL.

What bible verse/section do you choose to spill your seed on? If you don’t have a set verse, can you suggest a good one?
I never really cared which author got the facial when I played cumshot roulette. Those bibles are pretty cheap, and the paper is very thin. I usually shoot somewhere in the middle, it WILL soak through a few pages. If you really want to tell God to “fuck off” do it in one of the Gospels. Jesus gets resurrected and the next thing you know Slimer gobs him in his handsome beard. If you have a nice bible (like the one I got for Confirmation) you can unload on the Pope’s face. Who doesn’t wanna give it to Emperor Palpatine. Another book of the bible to consider is Leviticus. It has all the fun rules in it. “A man cannot spill his seed on the ground…”

Were you raised religious?
I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic grade school and high school.

Are you atheist?
I’m probably agnostic. I want to believe in something, but I don’t know what it is. I believe in people. Perhaps I’m a humanist. I went through an angry Christ hating phase, but now I’m comfortable with anything that isn’t forced on people.

Do you only do it when you’re the only person staying in the room?
Some people I have entrusted with this sensitive information find it hilarious and intriguing. One time my friend/roommate took the bible into the bathroom and dotted all the i’s in Leviticus. At this hotel, we were fortunate enough to have a book of mormon. I got on the bed and gave the next testament of Jesus Christ an extra thick white mocha. At that moment, I had jerked off in all three testaments.

What cities have you done this in?
A few. I don’t do it anymore. I still want to, but I wonder if somehow, someway it’ll come back to haunt me. I’m not going to run for office, but for many people this is an unforgivable act.

I recently went out of town, I already had your questions and they made me crave for a bible cum. I normally jerk off once or twice a day. Due to travel and the roommate situation I hadn’t relieved myself for over three days. I laid on the bed and used the complimentary lotion, lots of it. The stage was set, I had the bible open on my stomach. I thought for sure I would have a huge quantity of Nut Milk saved up, but alas, it dribbled out of my dick as if it were my second orgasm. What can I say? It wasn’t meant to be.

Concluding remarks:
I encourage you all to try it. Next time I go to a hotel I’m going to look in the bible - if some of the pages are stuck together, wrinkled or smell funny, it’ll make me smile. This is something you do when you travel, therefore, it is my gift to the world.

The other night my guy had a business acquaintance over for dinner - someone I hadn’t met yet. A girlfriend of ours also came over for dinner.

Before the acquaintance arrived, I said to my guy and our girlfriend, “Let’s pretend that you two are the couple living here and I’m the friend who is visiting.”

They were down with it, so when he arrived they sat close together on the couch, and I sat over aways on the floor. They called each other “honey” and went into the kitchen to make dinner as I sat and chatted up the guy. He asked me how the two of them met, and I told him, laughing like a maniac on the inside the entire time. If I was ever worried I would say the wrong thing, I just kept my mouth shut, and it worked out fine.

It was fun asking them about the stuff in their house (“how many sock monkeys do you have, anyway?”) when really I was asking about my own stuff.

At one point the guy asked if she and I were sisters. We said no, but wished we had said yes, cuz it would have been great to see his expression if we suddenly started making out. His face would be like this: 0.0

Oh well, it will still be fun the next time he comes over and I’m the woman of the house. Man he will be so confused.

I can’t believe they let me join their staff of writers, but Dan & Jennifer of Ask Dan & Jennifer, a sex and relationship site, have invited me to be their BDSM/kink expert. So nice to add some hot sauce to their vanilla site. You can tell they’ve been pushing the envelope lately, which is very cool, and as it should be. You should watch some of their videos - they are such a cuuute couple. Of course, I imagine them having sex the whole time they’re sitting there dishing out sex advice.

One of the fun things I’ve been working on for their site is The Beautiful Kind’s Ultimate BDSM-Fetish-Kink checklist. It should be published on their site in the next week or two, and then I’ll be posting it here as well.

See this? Basically, it says:

Amplexus and mating behavior in the horseshoe crab, Tachypleus tridentatus, were studied at Imari Bay and Kitsuki Bay, Kyushu, Japan, during Summer, 1994.

Long-term amplexus is primarily maintained by the male’s pair of posterior claspers, which is significantly larger than the anterior claspers. The posterior claspers always attach directly to the female’s opisthosoma, just lateral to the terminal spines, but the anterior claspers attach in various anteriorward positions on the lateral edges of the female’s opisthosoma.

My guy also uses mating claspers - his enormous feet. Sometimes when we’re fucking, he’ll latch on to my feet or ankles with his huge toes. It was rather disconcerting at first (I remember thinking confusedly, “What’s going on?”) but now I’m used to it and appreciate the thrusting leverage it provides.

Do you have any weird mating behaviors (past or present partner) to share?

This week we feature a computer/comic book geek in North Carolina.

Name: Bill, Male, 32
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women
Last time you got laid: September of 2006. The time before that was June of 2005, which was my first time. (Yes, at age 30… *sigh*.)
Where do you live? Morrisville, NC (A suburb of Raleigh/Durham)
Your living arrangement: I live alone in an apartment.
Job situation: I work full time at a university doing computer support. Most days I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it. I would feel the same about most any job, though, because I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I also just started working part time in a computer store at a local mall, 12-ish hours a week.
Fashion sense: Most often cargo pants or jeans with a solid color button-down shirt with the tail out and the sleeves rolled up to just below my elbows. I have a goatee that I keep trimmed well. I’m a pretty clean cut guy.
Do you floss regularly? No, but I chew sugar-free gum after most meals and brush my teeth daily.
Do you drink? Rarely. And these days I have a prescription that says not to (Effexor, which is its own story). I’ve been drunk twice in my whole life, both times were last year. I don’t like beer and I’m not too interested in acquiring the taste. So no, I’m pretty much not a drinker.
Addicted to anything? No, but if I miss my Effexor for more than about 4 days I don’t feel too hot.
Hobbies: Photography, blogging, going out to the movies, watching TV, web surfing, reading, reading comic books. (Yeah, I’m fairly geeky, but I’m OK with it. However, you’d never catch me in a costume on any day but Halloween.)
Do you exercise regularly? Not these days. Fell off the wagon. I’m a bigger guy. Think Drew Carey or Kevin James.
Places you hang out: I don’t really. If I’m with friends we usually eat out or catch a movie, or hang out at one another’s house. If I’m hanging out alone, I usually do it at home. I know that’s a big problem right there, but I
don’t know where I’d go to meet the kind of women I’d want to meet. I’m not into bars or clubs.
Do you have many close friends of your own gender? A few (5 or 6). Most of them are getting married and all that kind of stuff these days.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?) “Emily” - married, lives 1000 miles away, out of my league but she said she’d do me. “CY” - just out of a 10-year bad marriage, dislikes the idea of sex or marriage or dating, also not very pretty. “JH” - best friend’s wife. “HM” - coworker; married and pregnant. “CD” - coworker: she knows I’m interested, and I think I’d have a shot except that she’s sticking with her current boyfriend despite the fact that their relationship is going nowhere
What do you like to eat? Meat and potatoes, but I’m flexible. Chinese, Mexican, Italian, whatever.
What kind of porn do you like? Amateur or “real” porn. I like to see couples fucking who are really in a relationship, or when you know the woman is really enjoying it, and not faking for the camera. I like to see the woman’s face. I like intensity, when everybody is really into it. Also, blowjobs.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on? I like flirting, stimulating a woman’s mind (and mine in return). I like women who I could take home to mom but then are “freaks in bed.” Getting a woman to drop her inhibitions. Erotic photography. Knowing that my partner is turned on and having a great time. Also, blowjobs.
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) I’m a bit shy at first, but once I get warmed up I like to take charge. I’d do the tying.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 6. I’m overweight, but I think I’m fairly handsome. I’d go to 7-7.5 if I lost some weight.
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 5-6.
One word to describe your voice: Friendly.
Last place you went on vacation: I went on a weekend beach trip last year. My last “true” vacation was to Orlando, Florida when I graduated from college in 1998. We picked that because my roommate had never been to Disney World.
Financial situation (broke, paying the bills, flush, loaded): Paying the bills. I was a victim of the dotcom crash a few years back and was unemployed for a stretch, so I’ve got more debt than I’d like.
Your thoughts on breeding: I’d like kids someday. I think one boy and one girl would be ideal. I would date someone who had kids only if I worked into it or fell into it somehow. I generally disqualify single moms if they’re “sight unseen,” like on a dating website.
Religion: Vanilla Christian. Not a big fan of organized religion because I think they’re too intolerant, but I do believe in God. I don’t go to church, though.
Charity you would give money to: Whatever was least annoying and nagged me the least. Something local.
Political affiliation: I vote Republican, but since I’m pro-choice, not a Bible-thumper, and have no problem with gay marriage, most Republicans would spit on me (but probably so would most Democrats, too). I’d call myself a moderate in most respects. I’m a big “let’s agree to disagree, live and let live” kinda guy.
Movies you have loved: Ghostbusters, Gladiator, Love Actually (what?), Gross Pointe Blank, Groundhog Day, Contact, Dark City, Serenity, Toys, Fletch, The Usual Suspects, American Beauty, Snatch, Lost In Translation, Fight Club.
Person you respect/admire: Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs on The Discovery Channel.
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, are you divorced, how many times have you been in love): Maybe two serious relationships. My latest was dating a woman for about 5 months at the beginning of this year, but we drifted about due to mutual lack of interest. I’ve been in love once, with the woman from my first serious relationship at age 18.
Any physical issues: As I mentioned earlier, I’m overweight. And a bit “fuzzy.”
Weird habit: I’m mildly OCD. So I guess counting strokes when I brush my teeth, cleaning my glasses all the time, keeping lists of things, etc.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Bill, it’s good that you got that virginity thing out of the way. It’s obvious you are a “fixer” - you see a problem and you do something about it. There are soo many people out there who feel like something is “broken” in their life and they can’t make the move towards seeking therapy, and you have - major points for you. (You get 10 points off for not flossing though. )

One appearance suggestion: in the pic you sent me you have a flat top hairstyle. Since you have such a square jaw/strong face, I would grow your hair out just a little on top to soften your look up. You have great hair and if it’s a little longer, women will feel the urge to touch it. Also, black is a good color for you, but make sure you add some extra color to your wardrobe - royal jewel tones would be good - blue, burgundy, purple. Good for you for not tucking your shirt in.

If Effexor has slowed down your libido, that may be slowing you down on the dating front, though it may also be taking the horny edge off of things, making it easier for you to focus on other things. Effexor may be a good thing for you to have when you are in a relationship, since it puts you at about the average woman’s sex drive (you’re getting off every few days as opposed to 2-3 times a day.) If it seems to be interfering, you might want to talk to your doctors about switching meds or adding something else that will counter Effexor’s side effects.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here. You’re also a romantic and a nice guy, two things that don’t need to change. Practice your interpersonal skills on your co-worker - I don’t think you’re necessarily going to end up with her, but she’s nice and available and safe. Try things like complimenting her, eye contact, asking her questions, subtle flirting, but never make a pass at her, that will cross the line. Who knows, though, if you treat her the way most women like to be treated (most dudes take women for granted) she might jump you in the stock room.

Pick a dating site you like and put an ad back up. It doesn’t hurt to have it sitting there, and when you’re in the mood, contact some women, even if you think they’re too pretty for you. Keep your message to them brief, and add something personal that you noticed on their profile (such as, “Hi Sandra, I noticed that you liked the movie Love Actually - I do too, would you believe I’ve seen it three times?”) Finally, for your health, take walks around the mall on your breaks - exercise is a mood elevator in itself. And keep your eyes open - you never know who you might see next. You deserve a real life romantic comedy, my friend.

Hey, it’s not funny - why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and I’ll tell you. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

God I love this:

“Pet” Girl Kicked Off Bus for Wearing Leash

LONDON (Reuters) - A British bus company has apologized to a girl who is led around on a leash by her boyfriend and describes herself as a human pet after one of its drivers threw her off a bus.

Tasha Maltby, 19, told British newspapers she was the “pet” of her 25-year-old fiance Dani Graves.

“We have spoken to the driver who has talked about health and safety,” a spokesman said. “Should she be attached to a chain and something happens on the bus, that could be dangerous. All we are saying is that she is very welcome to use the buses but not when she is on her lead.”

Maltby said her choice of lifestyle might seem unusual but was harmless.

“I am a pet,” she told the Daily Mail. “I generally act animal-like and I lead a really easy life. I don’t cook or clean and I don’t go anywhere without Dani. It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It’s my culture and my choice. It isn’t hurting anyone.”

One time in high school my boyfriend took me to the mall on a leash, and we were so young and stupid we actually had the nerve to feel annoyed at the reaction we got from the other mallgoers.

Nowadays I know better and would only pull this kind of thing in an appropriate setting, like a fetish party or kink gathering. Or visiting my parent’s house.

He let us suck his cock this time.

HisLittleSlut came over for another date night. Unfortunately, I was on the rag, so was out of commission from the waist down, and The Beau wasn’t feeling particularly Dom, but we went with the mood and had a perfectly nice time.

We ate take out Chinese and then all lounged around for a bit. I suggested we give HisLittleSlut a bath, so we did that. It was sweet to pamper her - we put a LUSH bath bomb in, lit candles, poured her a glass of wine, and enjoyed watching her beautiful body glisten in the water.

We wrapped her in a plush robe and went upstairs to the bedroom and lit more candles. She and I got naked (I left my underwear on) and took turns in the middle (I don’t think I can get enough of that double boob worship treatment), and finally it was his turn. We made him take his clothes off.

I’ll cut to the chase here - it was the first time he had two women suck his cock at once (later I overheard him talking to a guy friend on the phone - he said, “I highly recommend it.”)

We tried out all kinds of things on him - both licking his shaft, one with the head in her mouth, the other licking his balls, one sucking and one with her tits in his face, one of us feeding it to the other, all that good stuff.

HisLittleSlut deep throated him until she gagged. Then I sucked on him as he fucked her with a glass dildo - he started off slow, but she worked herself up into a frenzy and he was fucking her with it as hard as he could - his arm was sore later. She sat down on the glass cock and put all her body weight on it - she couldn’t get enough. Made my cervix hurt just watching, but it was intense.

Finally we all had enough orgasms. Sweaty, we blew out the candles and cuddled down for the night, him in the middle, us snuggled on either side. He burned up from all the heat we put off, but he wasn’t complaining.

In the morning I had to work and they got to sleep in a bit, so I slipped out of bed and left them to snooze. I went up there a couple times to check on them, and it was so cute to see her nestled up next to him. I brought them water and mints. Fun, hot night.

A list in my guy’s handwriting found in the back seat of my car on a pad of paper my daughter was using for doodling (luckily she can hardly read, and certainly not his hasty brainstorming notes on how our next threesome would go down)

make out
strip each other
strap on fucking
tie up
lap dance
oral circle
suck my cock 2 at once

And go down it did! Stay tuned for the dirty details.

Introducing our debut YATBK - Lola, 35.

Relationship status: Poly, Open and In Love; I live with my life partner – we are learning to live, love, and share life together.
Sexual orientation: Queer; I’ve always had a problem with labels. However, of all orientations to choose from, I like this one because its meaning allows me to blur the lines of all the labels – gay, straight, bi – and not conform to any one description.
Favorite physical feature on yourself: My eyes
Beauty tip: Always be yourself.
If you could take a class for fun right now, what would you take? Photography
What do you want to learn/add to what you already know? Web design
Did you have an imaginary friend growing up? Yes; I had several imaginary friends at once – I was the star, of course.
What is one of the bravest things you’ve ever done? The first night my partner and I spent apart with other people
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (non-sexual): Listening
Special skill/talent, what are you really good at? (sexual): Blow jobs; I am always complimented on my blow job skills – “enthusiastic” is generally the word used.
How old were you when you lost your virginity? 19
The last time you had sex, and with who: Three nights ago, with my partner
What type of person are you into? Authentic people
What do you fantasize about? Different scenarios – I like variety. Girl on girl, threesomes, watching my guy with another girl, group sex…
What turns you on? Oh so much. I enjoy watching sex, being in sexually tense situations, porn, pretty girls, sexy men, nudie magazines, great conversation, sexual talk, flirty moments… the list goes on.
Tattoos/piercings: Tats - the one on my shoulder was my first and it’s the Japanese symbol for “courage” - ’cause it took a lot of courage for me to get that first one. The second one is the Virgo symbol. Piercings - ears and nipples
Pubic hairstyle: Shaved labia, groomed mound – short and neat
What do your nipples look like? Tasty; The areolas are medium sized and pierced, with glow-in-the dark bars.
What was one of the hottest moments of your life? My first threesome; it was our first night with our ex-girlfriend. It was an unforgettable night. (I’m glad you said “one of” because I would have a hard time defining “the hottest.” )
Any regrets? Yes, a few. But they do not hold me back.
Why do you think I chose you for YATBK? You adore me; most people do.
—–
Do you know anyone who is YATBK material? Nominate her. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

1. You didn’t know him.

2. He was the blonde guy in Brokeback Mountain, not Jake.

3. He was Australian, and those guys have a psycho death wish. They LIKE dying.

4. He was going to star in ANOTHER fucking Batman movie later this year. Yawn. And hey he was supposed to be the Joker - they’ll just need to slap white paint on some other actor.

5. He overdosed on drugs BEFORE his scheduled massage - very poor planning on his part.

6. He had at least one bad tattoo.

————-
In other movie news, can you BELIEVE they nominated Juno for a fucking Oscar?! What, do they have a “Cutest Movie” category now? Further proof that George Bush is our president, I mean, the movie wasn’t exactly brilliant. Cute, yes. Oscar worthy? Please. I suppose they nominated Ratatouille, too. Oh christ, I don’t even give a shit about the Oscars, why am I bitching about this? Notice how I didn’t capitalize president. Or christ.

Jan 26, West County Mall. Too bad St. Louis LUSH stores are located in stupid malls and not quaint and charming storefronts. And too bad the staff isn’t naked. God they’re all so cute.

The other day I got a message on myspace from some dude (the 5th one that day, that’s what you get for having ovaries on that stupid site. My friend who just joined got so skeeved out by the losers on there that she removed her profile pic and changed her “single” status to “in a relationship.” Her imaginary boyfriend is awesome, by the way.)

ANYWAY

He wrote, “We haven’t talked in a while, remember me?”

I wrote back, “No, who the hell are you?” (send)

He wrote back, “We had sex a few times.”

I wrote, “You’re going to have to be more specific.” (send)

He wrote, “You were the first girl I ever ate out, and you said I was a natural, lol.”

Oh. Right. THAT guy. (delete)

It SO reminded me of the character Cookie Guggelman Fleck in Best in Show who would draw a blank every time a guy would come up to her and say, “Cookie? Cookie Guggelman?” Then he would finally feed her a specific detail, such as he fucked her at in the back seat of a station wagon with a banana and her face would light up with recognition. Meanwhile, her husband Gerry would stand there and cringe.

A scene from the movie:
Husband Gerry Fleck: She had dozens of boyfriends.
Cookie Fleck: Hundreds.
Gerry Fleck: Hundreds?
Cookie Fleck: Yeah, hundreds.
Gerry Fleck: Well, I did not know that.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

(walking up to the front porch of our house)

Him: Looks like we got a package.
Me: (fairly shrieking) Is it my new dildo?
Him: Could you say that just a little bit louder? I don’t think the neighbors two streets down heard you.

(It wasn’t a dildo - it was my order of marblies.)

Dear Slut,
Can you really kill a woman from blowing air up her cunt?
Curious about deadly blow jobs

Dear Curious,
No kidding, I’ve seen this rumor floating around for years now, and have wondered that myself. (I thought about testing it out on myself last night with my guy as my lovely assistant, but hey, I’m no blow up doll.) Seems unlikely to me, but according to the Go Ask Alice site, it’s rare, but it can happen.

When air is blown or forced directly into a vagina without allowing any air to escape, an air embolism could form, which can be fatal. Women who are more at risk for this unlikely possibility are those whose pelvic vessels are enlarged due to a condition such as trauma and possibly pregnancy.

So, if a very large amount of air were to be blown or forced into their vaginal canals, it’s possible that the air could enter their bloodstream, causing a blockage in a blood vessel. As a result, some of these women may die if the embolism travels to the heart or lungs.

So do we have open blood vessels in our pussies, or what? I mean, would the amount of air needed to cause serious damage need to be forceful enough to rupture blood vessels?! Who the hell could pull that off - Kenny G? (yet ANOTHER reason not to fuck Kenny G)

So it sounds like some gentle blowing on the vulva isn’t deadly, but trying to blow your partner up like a balloon is a bad idea.

Oh geez I just found this weird image series of 18 year old girls fucking around with balloons. Now I’m super curious about this balloon fetish thing. A Looner is someone who has a balloon fetish. God I hate balloons.

And now I’ve found a clip showing a man’s balloon fetish going pathetically wrong. Someone on the site commented that David Cross should play him when the movie comes out.

Email your hot air question to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

I am addicted to Threadless. I tell people I have at least 20 of their shirts, but last night I actually went and counted. I’m pushing 40.

40 fucking clever/artsy t-shirts. One for every day of the month and then some. Of course my daughter has quite a few, too.

Here are some of them, laid out in a nice Threadless quilt fashion:

Here is my favorite one yet:

Thank goodness they have $10 sales from time to time.