The Beautiful Kind

That’s right, this week it’s All Abortion, All the Time. If the whole thing skeeves you out, then I recommend you come back the following week for your daily dose of Ask The Slut, Why Am I Not Getting Laid, and odes to porn stars and bondage.

But if you’re curious to know where a woman can get an abortion in Missouri, how much it costs, what a clinic is like, how long does one take, if you can take a pill to end a pregnancy, or what kind of drugs you get, then read on.

Many women who have had an abortion keep it this deep dark secret, a shame that burns in them years later. I thought about keeping it on the down low myself, but decided to treat it like I treat many of the other taboo subjects in our society - open and honestly. Talk about it. Share it. Seems healthier to me.

Have you ever noticed that in all the movies and television shows, a woman who gets unexpectedly pregnant ALWAYS ends up having the baby? (Please tell me if I’m wrong here - for instance, I’ve never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer - did they ever cover abortion on that show?) Even that 1996 movie Citizen Ruth copped out by having the druggie pregnant mom (she had four kids already) miscarry on the day of her scheduled abortion. Kinda unrealistic, considering that nearly one-third of all U.S. women will have an abortion by the time they’re 45 years old.

The latest movies to take it to full term: Knocked Up (saw it on the weekend I took my pregnancy test), Juno (can’t wait to see it), and that movie with the waitress who bakes pies (looked too chick flick for me).

Stay tuned for a dose of reality: my abortion consultation.

Well, I’ve made my tough decision. Oh come on, you didn’t think I was really going to take a vote on it, did you? I mean, I’m one IQ point shy of genius (that missing IQ point is how I got knocked up in the first place, apparently).

No, I know you knew I’d figure it out with my beau, though all your feedback was amazing food for thought (well, except for the trite “you’re a pathetic excuse for a human being” line - yawn). After a weekend of serious discussion, we’ve decided that the time is not right for this pregnancy, so we’re going to nip it in the bud.

Someone in last week’s comments, appealing to my vegetarianism, suggested I compare the fetus inside me with veal, but I’d sooner compare it to a tapeworm at this point than a 16 week old calf destined for slaughter.

Check out these visuals. This is what an 8 week old fetus looks like, according to a pro-life group:

This is what an 8 week old fetus looks like according to a pregnancy website:

Hm, why is the top image a photograph, and the bottom one an illustration? Could it be because the embryo is too fucking small at this point to get a good baby-looking photograph? Here’s another preg site example. Seems like all the photos I found while doing a search for “8 week fetus” were from pro-life sites. I have a hunch that they are not accurately portraying their visuals. I’m thinking they’re showing a fetus pushing 2nd trimester. See?

I’ve always wanted to have an abortion. What I mean by that is I got cheated out of one 15 years ago. Back when I was 20 I got knocked up (I was screwing around with three different guys at the time) but when I went to get an abortion they gave me an ultrasound and told me it was already dead and sent me on my way to have a miscarriage. “Can’t you just suck the dead thing out anyway?” I pleaded, but they refused to do it. I left the clinic furious. Two weeks later, I miscarried in the bathtub of a cheap hotel.

This marks my 4th pregnancy, by the way. First was an accident that ended with a miscarriage (yay), second was on purpose that ended with a miscarriage (wah - I wrote an article about the experience and got it published in a national woman’s rag), third was on purpose that ended with a live birth (yay!)

And now we’re leading up to ….

Abortion Week.

Warning: Don’t read this post if you don’t want details on this movie and you want to find out for yourself how everyone tragically dies in a German bunker at the end of WWII because you were a dunce in history and don’t already know what happens.

The movie Downfall fucking kicked my ass. Even my guy, who breaks out in hives at the thought of an intellectual foreign film or a movie that doesn’t feature at least one cast member from Saturday Night Live was hooked, and hung around until the bitter end. I’m pretty sure this was the first movie he’s ever seen that rated over 90% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I’ve seen so many WWII movies from the Jewish concentration camp perspective, so it was fascinating to peep on the German side. The movie didn’t even mention Jews (and how they were to blame for all bad things) until 1 hour and 11 minutes into the film. There was lots of glorious screaming in German (Hitler was like a wind up toy) and frantic smoking. They made a point to portray Hitler as vegetarian, which I think is curious bullshit.

I thought it was so interesting that the director selectively chose the death/suicides the viewer would witness. He didn’t bother with any close ups on Hitler and Eva Braun’s double whammie (ding! dong! Hitler’s dead!) but focused on the sadder, lesser known demises (pretty much everyone else). I was handling it all well enough, even when they tested poison out on his beloved German Shepherd Blondi (I pretended that she had barked all night and drove everyone crazy).

But man o man, I freaked when Mrs. Goebbels systematically poisoned her six children. I can still envision the tiny little gasping sighs as they crunched down on cyanide… That shit is not cool to watch when you are pregnant, PMSing, have children, or an ounce of compassion in your veins. One of the kid’s seventh birthday was to be the next day. My daughter is seven. I boo hooed myself to sleep that night, let me tell you. My guy tried to console me by holding me in his arms and saying, “They probably would have grown up to be assholes, anyway.”

Sometimes Christian people are right. I won’t give them the Bible, Jesus, or a higher power that listens to pre-game/pre-test prayers, but they were right about one thing: you should avoid The Golden Compass movie.

The only cool thing about the movie was how each person got a little pet who followed them around. The James Bond guy’s beard looked like a hedgehog, it was so weird looking. I wonder if it was a computer animated beard. Nicole Kidman needs to quit acting and follow her true calling - that of department store mannequin. Sam Elliott’s animal buddy was a jackrabbit voiced by Kathy Bates - what, were all the cool animals already taken? And an armored polar bear who chugs whiskey out of a bucket and runs off to fight a vicious king without any AA meetings first? Please.

The whole thing was just boring. I feel like all these fantasy movies coming out are just the same recycled shit over and over again (don’t open that old leather bound book! hop on a magic ship! ride an awesome creature across an awesome landscape! have a battle - ooh! good vs. evil! we have to spell it out for you!)

Honestly the most interesting thing about this movie was the couple in the row behind us who were lying across several seats (armrests were in the upright position) making out in earnest. I was sorely tempted to do the same, but a theater full of kids is not the sexiest environment, even if the movie you’re watching is hands down LAME.

There. I said it. Now read what my sis has to say about the subject on her brand new bloggy!

Dear Slut,
The other day one of my co-workers and I were discussing sex toys (we obviously haven’t had to watch any sensitivity training videos yet) and she asked naively, “What is the big deal with glass dildos?”

I’m by no means the world’s expert on such devices, but thanks to TBK, I feel adequately educated on such matters. I proceeded to explain that they can be chilled or heated to satisfy the desires of the user, AND they’re dishwasher safe! Why WOULDN’T a woman want one?

She further asked if those were the only advantages, and I knew that she should ask someone with more knowledge on the subject. I showed her your web site and suggested she send the question to TBK, the expert. I explained she would get a great answer and may even get to see a picture of a useful glassware assortment. My coworker was nervous to send her question, however, so I offered to ask on her behalf. In your opinion, what are the advantages and disadvantages to glass dildos or other glass devices for masturbation?
- Glass Messenger

Dear Glass,
Oh my dear, you’ve brought up a topic that is near and dear to my heart (er, cunt) and I am absolutely delighted to fill you in. This is one of those instances where I wish I wrote poetry in order to properly pay tribute to beautiful glass sex toys. Alas, my humble and simple words will have to do. As part of my research in answering this question, I lovingly assembled my own perfect 10 for a group photo (it’s my new desktop pic):

It’s hard to tell in these pics, but some have flowers embedded in their bowled end, or a butterfly etching, or subtle swirls of color and all the mystery and allure of a crystal ball.

Glass dildos can easily cost $329, but don’t let that freak you out. You can get perfectly good ones for $30 if you shop around (I pointed out a good store on my sex toy box post, but here it is again, along with a few other good shops - Glass Fantasy, Spicy Gear, XXX Glass, Blowfish.) I swear browsing these sites make me DROOL, they are so breathtakingly gorgeous.

And holding one in your hand is like holding a magician’s staff - the heft and smooth coolness is so impressive. And you know how a hard man is good to find? Well, you can’t get any harder than these beauties. And the ridges, bumps, contours on them are pronounced enough that even pussies who can’t read braille will appreciate. Of course, they aren’t much use for women who don’t like penetration. They should just stick to vibrators.

Blowfish has a nice page on caring for your lifelong friend (they don’t degrade like rubber toys):

You want to be extra-careful with glass toys, especially when they’re all lubed up — the smoothness and slickness is part of the point, but these suckers are slippery, and they’re triple-slippery when they’re wet. So keep them well away from hard surfaces — if you’re going to have that passionate scene in the back alley behind your apartment or on the cement floor of your office warehouse, use a different dildo. With glass toys, stick to the bed, or at least a well-carpeted floor. And when you’re storing your glass dildo, it’s a very good idea to wrap it in a soft cloth or bag, to avoid bumps and bruises in the bedside drawer.

I use socks for the ones that didn’t come with a padded pouch. SIGH, now I want to call in sick and stay in bed and shove glass in my pussy all day.

Want me to stick it to you? Send questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

I have to say I’ve been amazed at the comments I’ve received on yesterday’s post. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I wouldn’t have been surprised to catch a few hateful diatribes that would have shriveled any fragile fetus. Instead, I got intelligence, support, and rational reasoning. And y’all are fucking funny, too! Um, wow.

One thing I totally agree on is that pregnant women are sexy goddesses, and nothing is more feminine, ripe, and curvy than a pregnant woman in her third trimester.

But what’s with pregnant sluts and that whole fetish? I know two guys who are into it. It’s definitely taboo. I sure as hell didn’t feel very sexy at that stage, so I gotta hand it to people like Belladonna who shot porn while preggo, and this whore ad I saw on Craigslist earlier this year:

Pregnant is better, you should find out why
You’ll never know unless you try it.
Im 5′8,148lbs and 6 1/2 mo along so if
your interested ill send contact info and pics to you..

One good thing about having a baby or two is that your body changes and you can become more orgasmic after giving birth. Sure there’s the healing period (it took me a YEAR to recover down there, thanks to the fact that my ob/gyn was episiotomy happy and my ex-husband didn’t feel like sitting around massaging my perineum with olive oil beforehand - I sure as hell couldn’t reach) but I know quite a few woman who were able to ejaculate after their phase of fecundity. And hey, there’s the added bonus of breast milk.

Oh and by the way - Susie Bright, one of my heroes, used her Hitachi Magic Wand during labor. I TOLD you that thing is magic.

Remember that hot threesome date we had back in October? Well sure enough, my guy, as the folks in nasty rape erotica so charmingly put it, “fucked a baby up inside of me.” (Just think, had my girlfriend been sluttier, she might have been impregnated with his bastard child!)

Naturally this comes as a complete shock to me. True, I went off the pill a couple months ago, but the last time I got knocked up was eight years ago and even though I was in my reproductive prime, I had to try for a year and a half and took fertility drugs (believe it or not, I became obsessed with having a baby). I thought I had bum ovaries. We had spermicide, but it wasn’t with us, and we got caught up in the heat of the moment…well, you know the story, you were practically there.

My cute little tummy is under attack! And being pregnant means no beer! Speaking of, I’ve had plenty to drink lately and I haven’t been taking my vitamins (I haven’t smoked any crack, though). Also, my guy and I haven’t even known each other a full year yet. Yeah we’re in love, but it’d be nice to know each other longer before taking on something of this magnitude.

Here, have some visuals.

Since everyone has an opinion on this matter, I thought I’d leave it up to you guys - should I get an abortion? A while back I posted lists of the pros and cons of breeding on my Kiddo blog - I’ll have to go review that again. I’ll leave the comments section open for one week on this post, and whatever gets the most votes goes. Meanwhile, I’m going to kick back and eat cucumbers and peanut butter. And oh yeah, I should probably tell my guy about his Power Sperm. Wait, he reads the blog, I’ll let him find out this way along with all you guys. He’ll love the surprise I’m sure.

My friend who frequents strip clubs sent me this clever (and sadly true) Mad Libs the other day.

Last night in the private dance area, a [adjective] stripper rode my [noun] until I [verb] in her [noun] for the [adjective] price of $40.

Click on the comments to read my version, his version, and to add your own version.

All righty folks, here’s our first victim of the “Why Am I Not Getting Laid” inquisition. I’ll cull information gathered from the questionnaire he filled out and give my assessment. (Comedy porn pics that accompany this post have been lifted from this site.)

Name: Dobri, Male, 24
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Women only
Last time you got laid: 9 months ago
Where do you live? Sofia, Bulgaria
Your living arrangement: I live alone in a rented apt
Job situation: Two part time jobs that I do from home. I’m a web programmer. I do enjoy them.
Fashion sense (what do you usually wear?): Shirt and pants or sweater and blue jeans. I like my clothes simple and elegant.
Grooming habits (how often do you bathe? do you wear cologne?): I bathe at least once per two days. If I’m to get out I definitely have at least a shower. I also shave without leaving moustaches or anything else. I don’t use aftershave, but I use perfume and deodorant (depends if I’m gonna meet people and who am I meeting).
Do you floss regularly?: I brush, I don’t like flossing. And again, it’s important to me that I look and smell good while I’m around people. I don’t brush after every meal, but I often use cleaning gum for my teeth.
Do you smoke?: I did, then I quit for 3 years, then few months ago started again cause I was bored. Currently - yes.
Hobbies: Luxury, strange objects, science, creating ideas.
Sports (do you play/watch? how often?): Unfortunately I don’t play sports. Since I’m not born in the city I live in, I don’t have that many friends that I can go out and play with
Do you exercise regularly?: Again, unfortunately no, cause I don’t have someone to keep me company.
Do you have many close friends of your own gender?: No, not really. Maybe 2 or 3.
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender?: Three max and they’re not even that close. Except maybe one.
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?): Two. The one is childish and has the Peter Pan complex (afraid to grow up) and doesn’t trust men. For her fucking is not a pleasure, but more of an obligation. She has a hard time reaching an orgasm and I personally know how to overcome this, but she’s very hard to reach. The other one lives in another country, but she’s very into me (as far as that is possible).
What kind of porn do you like?: Comedy! Anything that has a good story. It doesn’t even have to be porn, erotica is ok too.
What’s your fetish? What turns you on?: Very short skirts, lingerie, female uniforms (schoolgirl, nurse, etc.).
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?): I enjoy being both, but mostly I’m in control.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)?: 7.
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be?: 6.
Last place you went on vacation: St. Vlas, Black Sea. It wasn’t that much of a vacation either, rather than to get out of the city for couple of days. I don’t remember my last real vacation.
Financial situation: I can afford living by myself, sometimes paying a little bit more for something that I like, always either ordering food or eating out, getting the bill when I’m out with a girl (doesn’t matter if she’s a friend or not).
Your thoughts on breeding (have kids, wants kids, would you date someone who had kids?): I do one day want to have kids, but maybe in 2-3 years from now. I always thought that moms are especially hot, that they have some special spark and I would date a mom, but never to lead to something serious.
Person you respect/admire: none.
Past relationship history (how many serious relationships have you had, how many times have you been in love): I didn’t have one serious relationship (the longest lasted 4 months). Only once I broke up with a girl, every other time I was the one being dumped. I’ve been in love many times, I fall easily (if the girl is right) and get out hardly.
Weird habit: can’t think of anything.

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Well, this one was easy. Dobri, you need to get out more. You live in a huge city, but you live alone, you work at home, don’t have many friends, you can’t remember the last time you went on a proper vacation. STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER. Take a class, join a group (not online!) Where do sexy single moms hang out in Bulgaria? I’ve seen pics of you - you’re adorable, cute and sexy and have good fashion sense. Your 7 self rating is accurate and it’s nice that you would be OK with being slightly better looking than your partner. You should quit smoking and start flossing. Once you get used to it, it’s not so bad. You have a terrific sense of humor but lack awareness of a few key things. EVERYONE has weird habits, Dobri. I wish I could hang out with you for a weekend so I could list yours for you. I’d follow you around your apartment wearing glasses and taking notes on a clipboard. Readers, do you have anything to add?

Why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and get in line. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

From a Christian group:

DO NOT SUPPORT THE GOLDEN COMPASS

THE GOLDEN COMPASS, a new movie targeted at children, will be released December 7, 2007. This movie is based on a the first book of a trilogy by atheist Philip Pullman. In the final book a boy and girl kill God so they can do as they please. Pullman left little doubt about his intentions when he said in a 2003 interview that “My books are about killing God.”

The movie is a watered down version of the first book and is designed to be very attractive in the hope unsuspecting parents will take their children to see the the movie and that the children will want the books for Christmas.

The movie has a well known cast, including Nicole Kidman, Kevin Bacon, and Sam Elliott. It will probably be advertised extensively, so it is crucial that we get the word out to warn people to avoid this movie.

All I have to say (well, besides the obvious) is Sam Elliott is fucking hot. Now that’s a moustache I’d like to ride.

What should every good sex toy box have on hand?

- Glass dildo (the glass dildo will be explained in more detail in the next “Ask The Slut.”)
- Hitachi Magic Wand (DUH! easily the most used toy I own)
- iRabbit or similar penetration/clit stim vibe (Clitopatra, Rabbit Habit, Dolphin, Sea Goddess, Sally Seal…)
- Pocket rocket (though this should generally be in your purse at all times)
- Regular vibrator (eh, make it waterproof)
- Egg shaped vibrator (for those hard to reach moments)
- Butt plug, 3 sizes
- Lube (Wet, Astroglide, those new KY jelly brands that suggest intimacy and not a rectal thermometer)
- Silk scarves, ties or rope (snag the ugliest ties you can find at a thrift store. Perfectly good rope can be found at the hardware store)
- Bandanna for blindfold (note: color matters hee hee - watch for a future post for more details)
- Pussy barbell (this has some serious heft to it and is good for tightening up the ol’ snatch, unless you’re fine with doing Kegals at your desk at work)
- Sex toy cleaner (in case you want to share with friends)
- Cum rags (monogrammed optional)
- Birth control (foam, condoms, a picture of your mom juggling dead kittens)
- Massage oil
- Candles
- Kama Sutra honey dust (made of honeysuckle and honey, I like sprinkling it on my neck, tits, belly, thighs ahead of time, or you can incorporate the anointment into foreplay. It lasts a long time and tastes and smells delicious)
- Erotica/porn

Extras:

- rubber duckie or Hello Kittie vibrator
- sacrilegious sex toys (like Jackhammer Jesus, Virgin Mary dildo, or Baby Jesus butt plug, all sure to make you scream OH GOD)
- Smartballs (these are just fun)

You can do without:

- Cock rings (I have a set of these and have offered them to various guys for use, and they all decline. Are cock rings a gay thing? Does anyone actually use them?)
- Novelty flavored lubes (cute idea, but it seems like all your sex partners don’t like the chemically too sweet taste)
- Any rubber or plastic toy that stinks up the whole room with its chemical presence (even if it won’t give you cancer from exposing it to your delicate tissues, it smells toxic and unsexy)
- G-spot stimulaters (I’ve bought three different kinds, and have found fingers or glass work the best)
- Super gimicky vibrators (I had one that lit up and I thought it was sooo cool and Star Wars, but it didn’t last long at all)
- Anal numb, pussy tightening, or cock desensitizer cream (all gross or useless)

On my wish list:

- The Cone (pink has never looked so pleasing)
- Strap on (my friend got one for her birthday last month - me=jealous, but I think she’ll let me use it on her)
- Glass butt plug (doesn’t just the thought of shoving glass up your ass make you feel punk and edgy?)
- Non-leather flogger (preferably in a pretty color - my guy says he thinks he can make one out of parachute cord!)

Where to go to shop online:

Smitten Kitten
Babes in Toyland
Glass Fantasy

Finally, what kind of box should you use for your toys? I like using those big, sturdy, flowery boxes or hat boxes that were clearly meant for older women to store their neck scarves or potpourri. The irony of something so old fashioned and staid housing perverted items meant to infiltrate my cunt appeals to me. Make sure and get something big enough so you have room to grow. Now that we’ve gotten into ropes and bondage stuff, we keep a separate crate for all that.

I’m never on the cutting edge when it comes to television (or anything else for that matter) but I finally got around to watching the UK Office series right as they announced they were coming out with a US version.

Um, why? I thought well maybe they want to take the concept and run with it, add new ideas, enhance it. Yeah, right. Regardless, I never bothered to watch the US version. Why? Oh I dunno, maybe I don’t like wasting my time. Sure enough, someone sent me this short video comparing the two, and my self-righteousness has been validated.

What, Americans can’t handle British mumbling? They have to have their humor served up on extra-wiggly eyebrows in order to know that it is in fact funny? What are they going to remake next - the Harry Potter movies? The Beatles? Oh wait, was that The Monkees?

A few years ago, I found this site called Project Voyeur where ordinary women (or their husbands or bitter ex’s) could post naughty pics of hotsy women for men to ogle. Since I’m an exhibitionist (no way! really?), I submitted a series of photos. With each photo I removed an article of red lingerie until I finally stood there nude and beaming. A decapitated example is to the right. (You’ll note I don’t wear string bikini undies anymore.)

I remember feeling that same giddy rush when flashing someone in public as I posted the pics. I also got off on checking the comments men posted in response to the photos. There were two or three pages of glowing comments, where they used words like “radiant,” “gorgeous,” and “sexy.” I excitedly thought about what sort of pics I would post next. But amidst all those comments was one that to this day I still remember by heart. It said

This girl is very pretty, but someone needs to buy her some tits!

No doubt this was coming from a total stud. Anyway, that stopped me dead in my tracks and I never posted pics to the site again. Thank goodness I have thicker skin now. And that I didn’t run crying to a plastic surgeon.