Festivus Party
Filed under: Deserving - December 15, 2007 @ 4:28 pm
Last night I attended a Festivus party. About 30 atheists were there. Besides the fire juggling, card tricks, supercute ferrets and adorable kittens with diarrhea, there was also ample talk about butt plugs (a separate post to follow), fetishes, and wheelchairs.
There was also a gift exchange around the Festivus pole. The deal was to bring something you got that you didn’t want and re-gift it. My guy brought slide whistles. Other gifts were a baseball cap that read “Jesus is my homeboy,” assorted cheap and noisy plastic toys, an embroidered “WELCOME” sign, and a gas cap.
MOST unfortunately, my cock ring gift fell into the hands of the most conservative couple there. I saw them open the bag, make a fear grimace, and then they left the room. They left the party altogether 10 minutes later. I secretly hoped they would go home and curiosity would get the better of them and they would try the cock rings out and a new world of kink would open up for them, but I later found out from the party host that they stashed the cock rings in an antique candle wall sconce in the dining room.
I didn’t do my homework ahead of time, so I was caught off guard with the “Airing of Grievances” part, where you get to share what bothers you about other people and life in general.
So now here is my (still incomplete) list of grievances (the complete list looks like Gone With the Wind or War & Peace):
crocs
hummers
litterbugs
smokers
republicans
lil’ smokey sausages
kittens who poop 
animal abusers
bullies
sylvia browne
my job last year
canned green beans
95% of all Italian food
politicians
diamonds
people who leave messes in stores
bibles in hotel rooms
urban sprawl
hunting
angels
precious moments figurines
DUDES
baseball caps
Thomas Kinkade painter of light crap
airlines
linoleum
white cabinet knobs
country decor (rustic is OK)
people who feel compelled to display “welcome” signs or mats
ugly cliff huxtable-like sweaters
the color yellow on white people
orange, brown, or bright red lipstick
anything mainstream
people who drink red bull
people who wear clothing that advertises a brand
leopard print
camoflauge and how i never spell it right EVERY TIME
reader’s digest
people who ask you how much you make but then won’t tell you what they make
women who don’t want to say how old they are
those pre-packaged foods like juice boxes and go-gurt
striped polo shirts
anne rice books
men with ponytails
Celine Dion
meat eaters
people who don’t recycle
faith healers
manicures
clowns
balloons
heavy metal music
television
guitar hero
video games
weapons
wimps
the left behind series
the fact that gelatin is in EVERYTHING
embalming and big, silk-lined mahogany caskets
loafers with tassels
fanny packs
clip on cell phones
green peppers on pizza
homophobia
pro-life people
people into dogfighting
marley & me
Dr. Phil
hypocrisy
chicken soup for the soul
sexual repression
montel williams
commercialism
sexism racism
stupid people
lack of healthcare in this country
social injustice
immaturity in people over 25
whiners (but bitchers are ok)
people who talk on their cell phone in stores or restaurants
cruises and resorts that involve pina coladas
America’s love/hate relationship with breasts - what’s so horrible about a woman’s nipples?!
high fructose corn syrup
pleated slacks
tramp stamps
RENT the musical
Free Hugs
twitter
scientologists, mormons, jesus followers, and other cult members
sheep (the people kind)
bad spellers
people who confuse your vs you’re
perfume counters at the mall
leather couches
fur or leather coats
jean jackets
capital punishment
white wicker furniture
tearing down old buildings
McMansions
lake of the ozarks
wal-mart
95% of all moustaches
high heels
boob jobs
beauty pageants
people who think pot and prostitution should be illegal
applebee’s
beer pong
talk radio
prairie home companion
parents who name their kids tyler, madison, keegan and ashley
hawaiian shirts
oil spills and what we’re doing to the oceans and forests
bush meat trade
war
jodie foster only now coming out
when the country gets obsessed with the death of anna nicole smith or something
the pope
tori amos
highway construction
Danielle Steel
people who don’t floss
rodeos
horse dog or car racing
golf
all sports
December 15th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
What the fuck do you like?!?!
December 15th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
how come no one else can figure out that
home companion is not funny, on so many levels at once perplexes me
December 15th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
[...] Original post by The Beautiful Kind - Ramblings of an Expert Slut and Nympho Sex Goddess [...]
December 15th, 2007 at 11:59 pm
Jodie Foster came out? Where the hell have I been?
December 16th, 2007 at 12:23 am
i agree, what do you like? i love the “enlightened” yuppie types who hate all things yuppie. “anything mainstream”?? like keeping a blog, living in a house, driving a car…
December 16th, 2007 at 7:57 am
Conrad, so glad to know there’s someone else out there who acknowledges that Prairie Home Companion sucks. Listening to it is like watching the yellow stripes on the highway pass by…DRONE…
See my “About” page for things I like, fellas. I also have a “Deserving” category for the good stuff.
I kind of don’t like blogs, but mine is awesome. I can say this because I don’t blog about my weight, a rash, or what I had for dinner last night. And if I DO blog about something so mundane, I at least have the ability to throw in a twisted way of thinking about it to make it somewhat interesting. For instance, in a couple days, I’ll be blogging about ordering take out from a restaurant. As always, I get creative with it.
About 10% of the blogs out there are good. I LOVE living in a house (with a lot of color and NO white wicker furniture) and I hate driving my car, but appreciate the freedom it affords me.
And Stacie, you weren’t invited to Jodie’s coming out party?!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=501256&in_page_id=1773
December 16th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
I like your hate list. What I like most is that you are just as passionate loving something as hating something. That is rare.
December 18th, 2007 at 1:10 am
Garrison ROCKS! You just don’t enjoy anything unless it has a cock, a pussy, or a Nazi killing her kids.
And don’t think I don’t know that a BUNCH of these were directed at me…I wish I had a blog, then I’d show you a fuckin’ list.
December 18th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
“tori amos”
You’re dead to me now.
And please elaborate on the acceptable 5% of moustaches.
Also, I’m curious how many pina-colada-having resorts and cruises you’ve experienced first hand. I’ll give you cruises, but a resort by the beach just can’t be hated, no matter how cheesey it is.
Also, i believe talk radio includes NPR. Can’t hate that either.
I have additional commentary, but this comment would get mighty long. I should say, though, that I agree with at least 75% of this list, but only 50% of moustaches are included with that. Tom Selleck, 1980….C’MON.
December 19th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Hey Tori Amos is brilliant and talented and a poet and child prodigy and all that, but her hair is too goddamn clown red and she bleats like a sheep.
I elaborated on the 5% moustache rule here in the comments section:
http://seeginablog.com/seeginablog/?p=321
Yeah I almost even hate NPR. All those funny names and speech impediments and talk of politics.
December 19th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
You just made me choke on my water. I know you’re referring to Diane Rehm. That’s so mean! She’s a survivor and an active, independent senior!
December 20th, 2007 at 9:40 am
OK yes, but not just her! Also
Annoying voices on NPR / KWMU:
Daniel Shore
Joe Pollack
Allan Sloan
Carl Kassell
Susan Uchitelle (local, KWMU)
William Conway (local, KWMU)
The voice announcing local sponsorship
Dennis Owsley (local, KWMU)
Garrison Keilor
Can’t remember the name of the high pitched voice doctor who does a weekend call in show
and I can’t STAND all the har har banter of the Car Tawk guys. All I can think about when I hear them babble is gold chains, hairy chests, and oil smudged sweaty wifebeaters. I’m down with the hairy chest/wifebeater but the gold chain bit ruins it for me.
January 16th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
I quite agree with the Beau Kind: Prairie Home Companion is AWESOME. Pfft.