My Awesome Abortion
Filed under: Heebie Jeebies - December 14, 2007 @ 4:03 am
I woke up on the morning of my scheduled abortion and my beau joked, “Today is your big day!”
Honestly, I was looking forward to it. I had felt like shit for the past month, barely able to function from the nausea and loss of energy, and was eager to get it over with. The clinic actually made me wait a couple weeks longer to get it done, so the egg sac would be big enough to locate. I was going in 8 weeks pregnant.
My man dropped me off and then went to play a few rounds of golf. Just kidding. We passed through security (no protesters again!) and they searched our bags. We sat in the waiting room. He graded papers. I knitted. There were more men there with their partners this time, but at least three of the dudes were sleeping. I heard several different languages being spoken.
I got called in to pay for the procedure ($240), then got sent out to wait again. It wasn’t long before they called me back in along with five other girls. They were all in their early 20’s; four were African-American, one was Eastern European. Herd-like we followed the nurse to a locker room where we all changed into hospital gowns and these awful paper bag slippers. Those slippers were the worst part of the experience.
We were given a Valium and Ibuprofen. Then we were told to go to a waiting room/holding pen, where FUCKING MONTEL WILLIAMS was on TV again, berating some 15 year old for smoking pot (2nd worst part of the experience).
The Eastern European girl was terrified. She mentally latched on to me and said in a tiny broken voice, “Are you scared?”
“No. I’ve been pregnant before and I’ve had a D&C, and this is not as big a deal as people make it out to be.” I was trying to reassure her; hopefully I didn’t trivialize her fear.
“Why you get abortion?” she asked me.
I shrugged. “It’s just not the right time for me. I haven’t been with my partner long enough and we want more time to get to know each other.”
She said, “I’ve never done this before. I don’t believe I am here.”
I felt so bad for her. She was like a little injured bird sitting there hunched over (3rd worst part of the experience). The other girls filed in and had a seat. None of them seemed particularly worried.
Then a chipper volunteer came in, a woman in her mid-4o’s. She introduced herself as Maggie and said, “I will be here to help each of you through it. Yes, it does hurt, but most girls walk out of here thinking it wasn’t as bad as they thought it was going to be. No matter what you’re feeling right now, it’s OK.” Oh good, we have an abortion buddy.
Eastern European bird girl started to cry, and Maggie went and sat next to her and held her hand. Fucking Montel Williams blabbed away in the background.
“Now tell me,” Maggie said, leaning forward earnestly, “What’s your name, and what are you going to do for birth control?”
Three of the African-American girls had the same first name, let’s say LaTonya. LaTonya1 one said she wanted to get her tubes ties. She had one kid and was 21. Um, good luck with that.
LaTonya2 wanted to get a Nuva Ring. “Good!” Maggie approved.
I piped up. “Doesn’t that cause blood clots or something?”
“Yeah, right!” Maggie pshawed.
“Well my friend went into the ER one time with a blood clot in her brain and she was using the Nuva Ring. She almost died.”
“Well the blood clot was caused by something else, not her birth control,” Maggie decided dismissively. (I have no doubt my friend will be commenting on this post.)
Brandy wanted to get an IDU. “An IUD?” Maggie offered.
I said, “What’s the difference between an IUD with hormones and without?”
Maggie said, “The one with hormones works better.”
I said, “But I heard that can cause spotting for months at a time and make you break out.”
“Where do you get your information?” she asked sneering a bit.
“I do a lot of research and that’s what my gynecologist told me,” I answered.
LaTonya3 said she wanted to get her tubes tied, too. She was 24 and had two kids. I told her she’d probably need to ask around to find a doctor who would do it, that I had a friend who was young and wanted a vasectomy and it took him seeing three doctors to find one who would snip him kidless at age 24.
Then it was my turn. I told Maggie I planned on using condoms and spermicide, that I had been on the pill for 15 years and went off it to take a break. “And now look where you are!” she exclaimed triumphantly. Um, good point.
“But I don’t think it’s healthy to ingest artificial hormones for years and years, it’s kind of unnatural.”
“Well do you know what they call women who use condoms and spermicide for birth control?” Maggie said, then gave a pregnant (HA!) pause before announcing smugly, “Mothers!”
I shot back, “But this way the man shares in the birth control and for that matter, why the hell can’t the man take a pill and deal with weight gain and break outs and mood swings?!”
Everyone laughed. Maggie declared, “Well that’s not going to happen. You should just go back on the pill.”
Poor terrified Eastern European bird woman didn’t even get a turn to say what she was going to use (I’m guessing she’ll never let a dick near her again and I found myself trying to imagine her having sex in the first place) because the nurse called her name. Maggie went with her.
This left the rest of us to chat among ourselves. LaTonya2 said she had been there the year before for an abortion, and that her sister just came last week and paid $1000 because she was 5 months along. We were all horrified by this, and one girl said, “That far along? You should just have it!”
“My sister be trippin’,” LaTonya2 explained.
Another girl said people were telling her to consider adoption. She sputtered in disbelief. “I ain’t carrying a baby nine months and then giving it away!”
Another told of how she came last week for her pre-appointment, but she had left her ID at home and had to go back and get it. The abortion protesters cheered and clapped, and she assured them, “Don’t worry, I’ll be back.”
Next they called my name. YESSSSS. I didn’t want to wait around.
I went into the exam room and got up on the table. The nurse prepped the supplies, and I asked, “Is my doctor male or female?”
“Female,” she replied.
PHEW. I knew they had four or five doctors and one of them was some dude who had been doing it for 30 years, and while that’s all well and good, I just didn’t want some old guy doing my abortion.
The doctor came in and she was totally cool and young and pretty. Pill pusher Maggie came in and stood by my head and held my hand. They asked if I had any questions and I said, “Does it really take only two minutes?”
They said yep.
“Just tell me everything you’re doing.”
I assumed the position with my feet in the stirrups and the doctor put a speculum in my vagina to get access to my cervix. I don’t think the valium had really kicked in yet, but I knew they were going to inject a local anaesthetic into my cervix. (They offer an IV sedation for extra, but I didn’t want that.)
I offered to donate the material they gathered to science, but they told me there wasn’t enough there at this stage. It would just be discarded.
Sure enough, the whole thing took about two minutes. I felt my cervix being stabbed and/or a sharp pain about five times, and it did fucking hurt (4th worst part of the experience), but I had a death grip on Maggie’s hand. As soon as they injected my cervix I felt the medicine go straight to my head, whoosh, and I got a little zooty then. I mean I could feel things and ask questions, but some of the words came out wrong.
“Boy am I glad you’re here!” I gasped to Maggie, who looked down at me kindly. I couldn’t believe she took time out of her day to help women out like this. I felt grateful for her presence, even if she did seem more concerned about preventing future pregnancies than a woman’s health and well-being.
The doctor widened my cervix and inserted an - I kid you not - hand held turkey baster, and sucked out the unwanted contents of my uterus. No whirring machine, no scraping instruments. “The dentist is worse than this!” I said between winces, and “Hell I’ve had a baby, I can handle this!” I was a brave girl.
The doctor pulled away and said all chipper, “That’s it.”
“That’s it?!” I exclaimed. I did it.
Then I asked my bravest question yet. “Can I see what you sucked out of me?”
I had looked online beforehand and had seen all the gruesome bloody shots and mutilated body parts, but I wanted to see it for myself, with my own eyes. I was seriously dreading looking, but wanted to bear witness. I was expecting a pan full of blood, some stuff that looked like raw liver, and maybe a gross little alien bubbling in the gore croaking out, “Mama?”
“Sure!” the doctor said, and she came around the sheet draped over my legs and showed me the little plastic tupperware container that held the abortion. And do you know what it looked like? Half a cup of egg whites with some brown bits in it. It wasn’t even bloody.
“That’s it?!” I exclaimed in astonishment.
“That’s it!” She swirled it around so I could see better. I looked harder, expecting to see at least a leg or something.
“But where’s the fetus?!” This was blowing my mind.
“Right now it’s too small to see with the naked eye,” the doctor explained. “What you’re seeing is mostly the egg sac.”
“And this is what it normally looks like?”
“At 8 weeks, sure.”
“Well HELL! If THIS is what they put on those abortion signs, people would be thinking ‘omelette,’ not ‘baby killer‘!”
I thanked them for their help, put on my maxi-pad, and the nurse walked me to the recovery room. I was still stunned, but read my book. A couple other women were also in the recovery room in reclining chairs looking exhausted.
A nurse came by and offered me a heating pad, Sierra Mist and cookies. Nice!
I hung out in the spa for about 15 minutes, then went and got dressed and discarded those fucking awful paper bag slippers. They sent me home with a bag of antibiotics and three months worth of birth control pills. (I’m not supposed to put anything in my vagina for a week. OK, maybe THIS was the worst part of the experience.)
I came out to the waiting room and my guy looked up at me with concern. “Boy do I have a surprise to tell you,” I said in amazement. His eyes widened. He was getting a little wary of my “surprises.”
We were there for a total of two hours. I thought I’d be down for the count at least for the day, but I felt fine. Afterwards we had sushi and went shopping. My guy wanted to stop in at Sports Authority to look at exercise equipment, and I said, “I’m not really comfortable going into a sports store.”
His reply to that? “Well, I’m not really comfortable going to abortion clinics, so come on.”
Dunno if it was psychological, but I felt instantly better. That evening I got my taste for coffee and booze back. I finally started cleaning the house after neglecting it for days.
And hey, here is what one pro-life website has to say about the aftereffects abortion:
Abortion procedures vary according to the stage of pregnancy. Each procedure is painful for both the mother and her unborn baby. After an abortion, many women experience one or more of the following consequences, some of which may take several years to surface.
Physical:
- Excessive bleeding, may require blood transfusions.
- Perforated uterus or damage to other organs.
- Chronic and acute infections.
- Intense pain.
- Incomplete removal of baby or placenta.
- High fever, convulsions, shock, coma.
- Increase in miscarriages, ectopic (tubal) pregnancies, premature births, and stillbirths.
- Irregular pap smears; breast cancer.
- Infertility.
- Death.
I haven’t taken so much as an Advil, and I stopped bleeding the next day.
I want to hear from other women who have had abortions. What was it like for you? Did you look at what came out of you? Please post comments (you can use an alias) or email me at love [at] thebeautifulkind . com
December 14th, 2007 at 6:07 am
The first time I was 16. It was at the start of junior year. I was in CA and I didn’t even know the guy. Smart, right? That whole experience sucked because my parents had to be involved. I don’t remember where I went.. A doctor’s office. I don’t remember much. I got a shot that made me loopy and I felt shitty and sick afterwards.
The second time was when I was 20. It was with my stupid ex, Stupid Shithead. I knew he wasn’t the one for me by that point and he already had one kid he didn’t support. So… I went to the Hope Clinic across the river. This time I chose to not have painkillers or anything. Partly because I didn’t want to feel groggy afterwards.. Partly because I think I may have been punishing myself.. I guess I wanted to feel it. And boy oh boy, did I feel it. It was like the WORST cramps EVER.
I am at a point in my life where I think I’m ready to have a baby. I just went off the pill last month. But, I have this fear in the back of my head that I won’t be able to get pregnant. That I maybe don’t deserve it. In which case I think those 2 previous abortions will haunt me forever. Hopefully that won’t be the case.
December 14th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
“” I was expecting a pan full of blood, some stuff that looked like raw liver, and maybe a gross little alien bubbling in the gore croaking out, “Mama?—"
December 14th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
I went with a friend once (kind of felt obliged since she got pregnant to a guy I shared living space with) - she was taken into a “your choice” sort of room and given a pill to soften the cervix, an hour before the abortion, so once she chose to down it, there was no going back. She was really pleased with this aspect because, as she put it, “It was ME doing the abortion, not some old male doctor who was disappointed in my life.”
Actually, it was a little bouncy birdlike Chinese woman doing the abortion. Almost every girl in the waiting room was Chinese too. One of them looked very offended at being there. Outrage crossed her face every time a nurse or employee said something to her - “Can’t you see I’m not like these other sluts??”
Anyway, digressions digressions. My friend had an electric sucker jammed carefully up her cunt and then a big bloody splash went into the glass container. She couldn’t see it, but I could. There weren’t any body parts or anything I noticed, and it was over very quickly, and then my friend bled heavily for a month and found out she has polycystic ovaries syndrome and it was astonishing that she got pregnant at all in the first place. Unlucky!
Another friend who had one at around the same time had a really good experience with all the good bits - lady doctors, supportive boyfriend, no bleeding at all, no pain except a sharp stab at the time, and no problems getting pregnant two years later when the timing was much better (i.e. not at university with no income).
December 15th, 2007 at 12:32 am
My sister had an abortion at 17 because she didn’t want to go through the embarrassment of getting birth control. *pinches eyes* She bled heavily for 2 weeks and had to go back to the doctor for hemorraging. They did get that under control, but she couldn’t conceive for about 10 years afterwards. She does have kids now, but it took her a long time. She’s in her 30’s and still has nightmares about the baby she had killed. (her words, not mine)
December 15th, 2007 at 12:48 am
As you know, Beautiful, I have just begun posting weird little snippets of my life on my blog. After keeping quiet for so many years, I posted this today:
http://atheneumlover.blogspot.com/2007/12/we-wouldnt-be-so-scared-to-speak-2.html
Thanks for sharing.
December 15th, 2007 at 8:33 am
I had a medication abortion last year. It wasn’t scary or sad but it was a little painful when all the cramping starts. It also really sucked having to wear a pad for a week while I bled out chunks of baby. All in all it wasn’t that bad. I think it was easier and much less painful than having a kid. Also its probably the only time I can ever fill a toilet with blood without having to be alarmed. That was cool, I even showed my boyfriend. These crazy anti abortion people must make those fake babies out of clay or something. Like those creepy reborn doll things.
December 15th, 2007 at 9:03 am
At which point does the fetus begin to resemble hash browns and/or strips of bacon? After reading your blog I’ll never again be able to think of abortion without subconsciously associating it with breakfast and I want my mental abortion breakfast to be properly balanced.
According to Fruit Chan, Asian Dumplings prepared with a fetus aborted at 5 months have youth rejuvenation properties.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0472458/
December 15th, 2007 at 9:27 am
you might find this episode of Sarah Silverman amusing…
enjoy…
http://sarahsilverman.comedycentral.com/index.jhtml?c=vc&videoId=103794
December 15th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
To start, I want to thank you for sharing this experience with us. It doesn’t surprise me that you would talk about such an important and sensitive topic as you are one of the strongest women I know.
I especially appreciate you shedding light on the reality of what an 8 week abortion looks like. Until yesterday, I thought I may be joining in with this same experience, but until seeing that, I suppose I bought into the pro-lifers scare tactics. I mean, come on!! I’ve studied this stuff in school. Of course I know that a baby doesn’t look like a little alien at 8 weeks… but I forgot.
The big pissah about you showing that picture? I’ll never be able to look at eggs the same.
So, I am the friend that you were referring to. Let me give your viewers a little bit of background on my experience. In 2005, I was in my late 20s, non-smoker, and pretty healthy. I had been using the NuvaRing for a little while when one day I was hit with a most horrific headache. Over the next 2 days I spent time in the ER, my primary docs, with a neurologist, and in an MRI machine. After which, the neurologist immediately put me in the hospital where I was to undergo an Angiogram. If you don’t know what that is, they take a tiny video camera on a wire, and insert it through the groin up into the brain. Let me mention that before doing this procedure, the doctor had my ENTIRE family come to the hospital to discuss the risks as it could cause damage or stroke. So, I had it done. Interesting experience, GREAT drugs. They found a blood clot that had formed in my brain. I was immediately admitted and they did test after test on me. Nothing was wrong with me other than one obvious thing. That fucking ring. They told me I was to never have it in me again, nor take any hormonal birth control. I spent the next year of my life on blood thinners and going weekly to have blood drawn. It’s been over 2 years now but is something that still haunts me. Every time I get a headache, I get scared.
Having to face my mortality at 29 was awful. Since then, I’ve been doing all I can to get the word out about this disgusting product. Including this…
http://www.nypost.com/seven/07012007/news/regionalnews/birth_control_device_killed_my_beloved_regionalnews_janon_fisher.htm
If you have one in now, get it out now… please.
The only positive thing that came from this experience is that I am no longer afraid of needles.
Now, for Maggie and the clinic. Her response to your comments about my experience with the NuvaRing is not surprising. Let me first say that I think very highly of these clinics and am grateful that they are there for women in need of their services. With that said, I think they and those they employ (Maggie)are just as easily susceptible to falling under the blinding spells and control that pharmaceutical companies have over big businesses (such as larger practices, hospitals). Organon, which is the company that makes this shit have a lot to gain, especially for those who use such clinics. If people like Maggie were to acknowledge that there is something seriously wrong with a product she is pushing, or hell, even the risks of it, Organon wouldn’t think to highly of it. I’m just saying, It’s not always about the safety of them woman.
Our society is filled with an atitude of “…well, anything can cause (insert disease here)” and people believe they are invincible. Well, you’re not. It can happen and something will happen. So please drop the attitude and before putting anything in your body (especially an unwrapped cock, eh hmmm)like meds, ask questions and DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH! Don’t just listen to sweet comforting Maggie.
December 15th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
I had an abortion done back in 2001. I was scared, but everyone there was great. Went in, they did a counseling session then went back to watch a video of what to expect and sign papers. After this we went into a room where they did blood and you had to pee in a cup (they wanted to make sure that little line was there) then you changed into a gown and foot covers. Then went back to the “waiting” room. There were about 8 other girls in there, all except me and 1 other were crying. (at which point that lady and I sat next to each other, lol…we don’t like crying females) I got called back about 30 min later (was the 2nd or 3rd one) Went in, talked to the doc and his assistant who were both VERY nice. They did an U/S to determine fetal age and location, gave me the IV sedation (I’m very anti pain, lol) I still knew everything going on and all I just wasn’t nervous. The only thing that to this day really sticks out in my mind is the large stainless steel “trashcan” that everything gets sucked into. Afterwards I was taken into recovery, given cookies and this REALLY yummy “pregnancy tea” stuff. I wish I could find something that tastes that good now! then Off I went after another 30 min. To this day I don’t regret it at all, it was a decision I will always be thankful I had the chance to make. I am now 30 and 7 weeks pregnant with my husbands child and am in a place where I can have it and be happy for my decisions.
December 16th, 2007 at 8:41 am
I get such goosebumps reading these experiences by other women. Congratulations, Tina.
xoxo
December 17th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Update: Three or four days after my procedure, I did bleed an average period amount for 2-3 days.
December 21st, 2007 at 10:15 pm
I volunteered for a summer at an abortion clinic while in nursing school. The most intriguing part of your story is when you asked to see what they sucked out of you. Where I worked, they allowed that, but it was somewhat discouraged (which annoyed me, but hey, I’m just a volunteer, right?) Anyway, I looked at all of it. Always. Although I never really saw anything that looked like anything, the nurse that had been there a while was very highly trained. Most importantly, she had to make sure we got out the “head”, which sometimes was a touch too big to fit through the cervical opening they had dilated…. so they would go back, dilate a touch more and take it out. Once, I was shocked to see something that I think in my head may have resembled an arm… but honestly I never figured out the head. It never looked like a head, it was just the biggest part. I was discouraged from looking at it by most staff, as was everyone except this one nurse… but I always insisted.
I value this summer experience as one of the most important in my life, because I met so many girls and women, some scared shitless and some not at all. I loved meeting them, and hearing their stories, and being the “handholder” for so many girls that were quite alone. The entire time I was there, every single client was relieved and feeling much better when she left than when she arrived. And when she called with questions afterwards. And then when she came in for her follow-up weeks later (which is not even required).
I had an abortion when I was 17 in TEXAS. I was met with protesters screaming at me up and down the long driveway to the clinic. They were holding bloody signs that I couldn’t really make out, and they chanted, “Your baby has a face! Your baby feels pain!” I was so pissed. As I got out of my boyfriend’s truck, some guy was there at my door. I instantly started whaling on him, hitting him hard in the face and arms, saying “Leave me the FUCK ALONE” until I was able to discern what he was saying to me: “I work here. I’m here to help you to the door.”
So that was when I decided I should volunteer to work at an abortion clinic. AND I wish I had thought to ask to look at it. I did ask to look at the sonogram before the procedure, but saw nothing in it. It looked like a white blob that I wanted GONE. That’s what it looked like to me.
Thanks for talking about this.
December 28th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
I am pro-choice, but your nonchalance about this procedure makes me sad.
January 9th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Thank you to all the women who commented, you give me goosebumps.
Jim, you make a good point. A couple of my friends wanted me to light a candle for it or something and were turned off by my attitude. But hey, everyone copes with big life shit differently, and this was my way of coping with aborting Chaz (what we named him so we wouldn’t miss him as much).
This past month has been a bit of a hormonal roller coaster, and I have had my share of random light spotting. I’ve felt sad at times, but who knows if that is because of the abortion or post-holiday blues.
But all in all I think I’ve handled it well and don’t regret my decision. Making light of it and not dwelling are good coping devices.
My heart goes out to all the women who had/have to go through something like this who were teenagers at the time, or didn’t have a good support system, or had religious repercussions to worry about. Know that you made the best decision you could at the time, and learn from it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:25 am
Chas???