The Beautiful Kind

Well. We had a cute little threesome date the other night with HisLittleSlut.

We started off all sweet and innocent with going to see a movie (Walk Hard - I actually liked it). The Beau sat between us, and held both our hands. He entwined all three of our hands together in his lap, and we both draped a leg over his legs, making things nice and cozy. I was wearing a short skirt with thigh hi’s, and she was wearing jeans with holes in them, so he was able to touch both our thighs during the movie.

Afterwards we went to dinner, then came back to our place. We looked to him for direction, so after sitting around chatting for a while, we headed upstairs to the bedroom.

He made us make out in front of him, take off each other’s tops, threeway kiss.

We took turns giving each other massages, two people rubbing warm lavender oil on the other. She and I took our bras off, then got down to our panties. He took his shirt off, but kept his jeans on.

He spanked us both. See our cute little matching hand prints in this pic? Somebody is right-handed! Ha. And do you know what’s completely hot? Those panties we were wearing - he could have pulled them aside and buried his face in our pussies. He could have yanked them off and fingered the two of us at the same time. He could have had his cock in two women’s mouths that night.

But he didn’t.

Why the fuck not? Cuz he’s in charge, and he wants us to beg for it, and he’s making us wait. It’s so sexy for a guy to take it slow and not be greedy. Now I’m all looking forward to our next get together, where I will have to plead for oral. I have time to fantasize about how I want it to go. I want to show him how I want to be eaten, using her as my model. And then I want her to show me how she likes it best. Oh, and ropes. I want to be tied to her. I want us both on our knees in front of him…

OK, back to what happened that night. I asked for each of them to take one of my breasts and suck it as I masturbated with a vibrator. They obliged, but Mr. Dom told me I couldn’t cum right away, which like to have killed me. It was SO HOT - THE HOTTEST PART OF THE EVENING to have both breasts sucked and worshiped. I practically didn’t NEED the vibrator to get off.

Finally I squirmed and begged enough and he allowed me to orgasm. Then it was her turn, and it was as hot to pleasure her as it was with me being the center of attention.

It got past my bedtime, so I shooed them out of the bedroom and told them they could carry on without me, have fun! Yes, it was that abrupt. And now I’m going to tell you what he said happened next since I wasn’t there, and I have to say it blows my mind a little.

He thought about having his way with HisLittleSlut as his woman slept upstairs. But he held back, and they kissed and cuddled. He made her balance on her hands and feet as he laid underneath her and enjoyed the view and asked her questions about her sexual history. After a couple stories, her arms and legs got shaky and she asked to be released from the stress position, and he allowed her to sink down to her hands and knees. She murmured, “Thank you.”

Uh oh. She’s not allowed to say thank you. He told her earlier that any time she felt like thanking him, to give him a kiss instead. So she had to be punished.

He told her she was going to take a shower. “A cold one?” she exclaimed wide-eyed. Yep.

He made her strip nude (take off her panties and socks) and put her in the shower at a regular warm temperature. Then he started to turn the heat down. Down. Down, until it was cold all the way. She yelped and moved out of the water, and he ordered her to get back in there. She did, and she shivered. He did this for about ten seconds, then turned it off. The punishment was over. (He told me he had the idea to do this earlier, and tested a cold shower out on himself so he would know what it would be like for her. He said it was brutal. For the record, I’d rather be forced to take a golden shower than a cold shower.)

Then he took a robe and wrapped it around her, dried her off, and kissed and cuddled with her tenderly to warm her up.

He drove her home and delivered her back to her boyfriend, who thanked him for taking good care of her. Then he came back home and crawled into bed with me. I doted on him - rubbed his feet with lavender oil and got him off, and gave him a kiss good night.

I’d say about half of you out there know exactly what 2 Girls 1 Cup is, and the other half is still in the dark. I won’t say much and spoil it for you, but for sure the comments section of this post will give away the secret, so watch this video clip first before proceeding.

2 Girls 1 Cup

But wait! If you can, try to film your reaction when viewing it for the first time. Manj sent me her video reaction, which prompted me to make one of my own, and I watched a bunch of others. All are pretty priceless. I really do like the Kermit the Frog version.

We were fucking the other night and duh it was hot. I changed positions, presenting my ass for some spooning sex. I expected him to mount me without pause, but instead I saw him reach for the lube. I thought, Uh oh!

Sure enough, without even asking if I was up for it or in the mood, he greased my asshole and his cock. What! He was going to take my ass. Right then? Right now? Should I balk? I wasn’t really prepared… Nope, I would let him call the shots. I relaxed and gave myself over to him.

I cringed and whimpered as usual. With the weight of his body pressing down on me, and with his fat cock head splitting me in two, he growled in my ear, “Push back against my cock.”

Fighting instinct, I dutifully obeyed, and we went from zero to ass fucking much quicker than the time before, and it was great.

Later on in that same session we switched gears and I stuck a finger up his ass as he jerked off. It was amazing for him. At first I rubbed around the outside of his asshole, then I pushed against it with my finger. Then I put it in to one joint, then halfway in. It was SO tight and muscular and hot. I moved it inside him in time to his rubbing. He came like crazy.

He told me he’s really looking forward to our new butt plug arriving. He wants to see what that’s like. Sounds like I’m going to have to fight him for first use rights. Awesome.

The other day it snowed and my guy pulled out his old army boots to shovel the walk. He didn’t think a thing of it, but I watched him lace them up with great interest. I think I gulped a little.

The thing is, I think they’re really hot. Are you with me on this? It doesn’t make a bit of sense to him, especially since I’m not into leather or the military. Now I want to have sex with him while he’s wearing them. Stay tuned.

Has anyone heard anything about a live action South Park being in the works? Or is that just my brilliant idea?

Here are my casting ideas so far:

Jonah Hill as Cartman

Jason Schwartzman as Kyle the Jew

Kevin Spacey as Mrs. Garrison

Forest Whitaker as The Chef

Bill O’Reilley as Mr. Hankey, cuz, you know, he’s so FULL OF SHIT

Who would be a good Wendy? Jesus? Stan?

Here is the story of my guy taking one of my girlfriend’s out on a date the other night, told in her words. I LOVE how it goes from sweet and typical to rough and kinky in the span of an evening.

Last week I experienced one of the top five experiences in my life.

The Beau picked me up from a job interview - he said he wanted to see me dressed up since I am so often dressed casually - and then he took me to my place so I could change into something more comfortable.

After I changed in front of him, we went out for sushi and took time getting to know each other better. I enjoyed our connection immensely. Afterwards we purchased tickets for a movie and then walked around the mall, waiting for seating to begin for our show. We talked more about who we are and what we are about. He asked me about my experience with BDSM, what I liked and so forth. I felt completely at ease with him and had no problem discussing anything with him.

The Beau opened my car door for me and treated me to everything all afternoon and so I had been thanking him for each of his courtesies. He decided to give me my first sub task at that point: I was not allowed to say thank you to him anymore. It was difficult for me to not thank him, but I did my best - I only messed up a few times. I absolutely love being given a sub task.

We went back to the theater and talked more as we waited for the previews to begin. Then he took my hand and began to play with my fingers softly and then held my hand. He was wonderfully gentle. Throughout the movie we held hands and touched gently. It was really sweet.

After the movie was over, he massaged my back. It felt amazing. It is rare that I receive a massage from anyone, so I savored it. We left the mall and drove back to The Beau and The Beautiful Kindâ’s home.

We sat on the living room sofa. Soon he had my bare feet in his hands and was admiring them and massaging them. His massage was wonderful. After the foot massage he told me to lie down on the floor on my stomach. He requested I take my shirt off and so I did. He then gave me a full-body massage, something I hadn’t had in years. As he massaged me he praised my body extensively. Then he requested I turn over and lie flat on my back.

The Beau made me feel incredibly beautiful and cherished. I felt like a goddess as he explored every square inch of my body. He told me to close my eyes and I did. He continued to admire my body as he discovered it with his fingertips. Soft kisses were placed on my chest, my stomach, and finally my lips. It was difficult to keep my eyes closed as I wanted to have eye contact with him, but I did my best to do so. Eventually I was permitted to open my eyes.

Then he switched gears and asked me how many spankings I wanted. I wanted him to tell me, but he told me I needed to tell him a specific number. Eventually I decided upon fifteen. He had me lie across his lap (something I only had done with one other person once as an adult) and proceeded to spank me fifteen times. At some point it started to hurt but it was a good kind of pain and I took pleasure in being able to take it, a challenge to myself I suppose. When The Beau was done he had me stand up and led me toward the stairs.

The Beau said he wanted to practice some new rope tricks and I am always willing to be tied up. He led me up to the bedroom and I followed eagerly behind him. He had me lie down on my back on the bed and he pulled out the rope. He began to contemplate what he would do with me. He created a beautiful design, using my body as a canvas for his rope artistry. The ropes were interconnected to pull my arms and legs tightly. Then he asked if I could cum using a vibrator through my jeans.

“Maybe…” I replied. I had never tried it before but I was definitely willing to try it that evening. He pulled out The Beautiful Kind’s Hitachi wand and said “I want you to hold it.” He turned it on and I took it from him, using my limited range of motion, still tied up tightly, and put the Hitachi on my naughty bits. I had always been a little freaked about trying the Hitachi, certain that the Hitachi would be too powerful for me to handle.

Then it happened - within moments I had orgasm. It was OH MY FREAKIN’ GOD mind-blowing. I had orgasm after orgasm. As I masturbated, The Beau kissed and breathed on me softly. His goatee grazed my skin and it felt incredible. His breath, kisses, and goatee grazing added to my intense pleasure as I came.

After I had cum so hard and so many times I had to rest. It was time to leave anyway, so The Beau untied me and I put my shirt on and we left. I had a smile plastered on my face as we left the house. It was on my face until the time I went to bed that night. I was touched vastly by the Beau and the afternoon and evening we had shared and I can’t wait for another opportunity to spend more time with him.

The next date will be the three of us. I can’t wait to see how he handles the two of us at once, as he continues to hone his dom chops.

The other night, Papa Bear (my beau) went out on a date with Goldilocks (HisLittleSlut) while I (Baby Bear?) went out on a date with my gorgeous red-haired girlfriend (Little Red Riding Hood).

I came home and found Papa Bear and Goldilocks still hanging out at the house, and the ol’ Hitachi Magic Wand was still warm with use. I admit it was hot knowing some other sexy woman had already used it that night.

“Someone has been using my vibrator!” I exclaimed.

But did she eat up all the porridge? No, not yet.

They also showed me some of the photos they took of her tied up. Later when I crawled in bed that night, I found a bunch of ropes tangled up in the sheets (Princess and the Pea). Ah, what a life.

Next, I present to you Goldilocks’s recounting of their fairy tale date, since I wasn’t there.

The following was left as a comment by Floyd and is such valuable information (GENIUS!) that it deserves front and center attention. If y’all follow this advice, my WAINGL feature will be rendered obsolete with a quickness.

Here are some examples of things I’ve done when attempting to find someone for a play date. They’re similar in ways, but different in others. They work for me, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have any idea what the hell I’m talking about or that these methods will work for you:

*Chit Chat: I fucking loathe chit chat, but it is a necessary evil. You just gotta know how to steer the conversation in a way that leads to talk about sex. They talk about movies or books, you ask their opinion of some of the more erotic mainstream films or books out there. Big bonus if they’re unfamiliar with the film or book because you get to summarize it and talk about how it may or may not arouse you.

Or better yet, you get to invite them over for a viewing in which they might get incredibly aroused themselves. The film Secretary has gotten me laid more than once and a recent loan of my Sleeping Beauty Trilogy (Anne Rice) to a female led to conversations that aroused her interests in me and now I have a new fuck buddy. If you pay attention, you can turn almost any conversation into one of a sexual nature.

*C Your Way In: A while back at a bar, Girl A was having a conversation with Girl B about how like her Ipod went like kaput and she would like have to buy another soon because like she soooo couldn’t live without it. I interrupted and asked, “Have either of you ladies ever heard of the Idildo?” I got an odd look, but eventually a reply of “The what???” followed, and led to my explaining the Idildo and a discussion of different types of music that would blow one’s mind with an Idildo. If these were the type of women that weren’t into sex toys, I would have looked a fool, but you have to take those chances. Interrupting is only rude if you have nothing interesting to say.

*Mmmm, that smell: I’m always amazed how easily people will allow you to invade their personal space to get a whiff of their perfume or cologne. DKNY “Be Delicious” and Victoria’s Secret “Secret Garden” are two scents I know by heart because both arouse the fuck out of me. If a woman is wearing one of those I’ll ask “Is that *blank* you’re wearing?” and go on to tell them how much I love that scent.

Adjectives such as delicious, arousing, yummy, enticing, stimulating and any others that give that person the impression you’re turned on by the way they smell are a big help. If you’ve got the scrote to do so you can avoid beating around the bush by simply saying something like “If I wore that stuff I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off myself.” or “You smell so good I could lick you from head to toe!” About as frat boy cliche as it gets, but you’ve let them know you’re aroused by the way they smell. I’ve had female coworkers who were not interested in me in the least go out and buy expensive perfume simply because I went on to another female coworker about how arousing it was on them and they hoped to get similar results from males that they were interested in. From a guy viewpoint, I find it incredibly sexy and an incredible turn on when a woman asks about my cologne and goes in close to my neck area for a smell.

*Closer To Home, Closer To The Bone: I’m not a moron, but I’m not as computer savvy as I’d like to be. A few times I’ve invited people over to take a look at my laptop when it was fucked beyond my own scope of knowledge. A couple times these people were female and before the day was over, we were in bed. You’re home is your castle and you are King/Queen. You get someone on your turf and they are a bit at your mercy.

If they are there to do something you are unable to do, not only have you complimented them by trusting their knowledge in the matter, but you have given them a bit of power over you and power can be a huge turn on. Not to mention you are in your comfort zone and that comfort could give you the confidence you need to flirt with that cute guy from work whereas you are a bit too shy to do so at work. A leaky pipe, new surround sound system or other electronics, computer problems, blown fuse, heavy furniture that needs moving…all of these are perfect excuses to get the opposite sex into your home so that you can make your move.

It’s the most perfect time of year to listen to this song…preferably with a cocktail and at night…

Some miscellaneous notes from the holidays:

- My guy got a GUN HOLSTER from his dad as a gift. It’s an accessory to go along with the gun his dad got him when he graduated. I swear a shooting range is a straight man’s gay bath house. Naturally I was having a liberal fit on the inside, especially when his stepmother told my daughter, “Guns are GOOD!”

But then I decided the holster will go well with our handcuffs and maybe we should step up the role playing a notch. Instead of me just wearing school girl skirts and asking for a better grade, I think he should rape me at gunpoint.

- Because they know I’m a sexually liberated woman (they know I have a vibrator and fuck their son), I got a Playboy watch. It was a very sweet gesture, but I guess they think sexually liberated means I should advertise for a softcore airbrushed magazine. I would have preferred a subscription to Hustler.

- Because I was hanging out with normal people, I was forced to watch television. I really fucking hate commercials and that Caesar dogwasher/trainer guy who doms dogs by shushing them. I also hate how National Geographic has decided to go all hip and refer to themselves as “Nat Geo,” as in, “only on Nat Geo” (said in a “sexy” tough guy voice.)

- The holiday lights at the house we were staying were fun and festive, but after about four hours the frantic blinking started to get to me. But not as much as the mechanical Santa who was waving a candle and clicking menacingly.

- My daughter got all those godawful cheap annoying toys made in China. I tried to convince her to donate them unused to Goodwill, but she wouldn’t have it. So as soon as she wasn’t looking, I filched the batteries from the beeping electronic gadgets and used them for my vibrator.

- My daughter hated the dead turkey sitting on the dining room table and kept squirming uncomfortably and had trouble eating her mashed potatoes and corn. I guess I overdid it with her and the whole compassion thing. I need to desensitize her - maybe take her to a morgue or find some roadkill and slap it on the table so she gets used to carcasses lying around.

- The highlight of the holiday: The Beau was frontin’ about nixing the Jar of Whimsies. He got it for me!

Him = dreamy
Me = spoiled brat

Now that I’ve started up my Fetish Parade regular feature, I’m even more obsessed with fetishes. I’m fascinated by the process of how someone develops their fetish. Personally, I don’t have a main one that stands out - my turn ons are as assorted as a box of chocolates - rape, incest, beasts. I can’t really specify trigger points for when I got into these things. I mean, I have been raped and molested in my past, but those experiences were creepy and negative and I don’t think about them at all when I fantasize. I do remember the first time I felt sexual urges - it was towards women, looking at my friend’s older brother’s Playboys in the basement of their house. I was 8, and I thought women were FUCKING HOT.

My guy is primarily a breast man. He remembers the first time his sexual light switch turned on. He was sitting in class in 5th grade, and all of a sudden he noticed the girl in front of him. More specifically, he noticed the outline of her bra straps under her shirt. BOING!!! He was hard for a week after that, and went around noticing all other SOB (Signs of Bra) wherever he went. Nowadays, his favorite look on a woman is a bra and jeans. And he notices if someone is going braless before I do.

I have another friend who has a thing for pantyhose. He loves for his wife to cut the crotch out so he can fuck her with them on, and he even likes for her to get in the tub with him wearing them - he likes how they feel wet. I asked him how he got interested in hosiery, and he had an answer for me right away. He said one time he was six, and at church, and was sitting on the floor between pews, and all these women were sitting around him. He was surrounded by a sea of pantyhose, and he reached up to touch a leg. He loved the way the pantyhose felt, and rubbing her leg kept him quiet. She looked down and smiled at him.

I can only hope that I have triggered future fetishes myself. For instance, one time I was roasting veggie dogs at a campfire, and no one was around, so I crouched in my short skirt and knee socks. A 9 year old boy came over and squatted on the other side of the fire, and I chatted with him. Then I realized he could probably see right up my skirt. I was wearing polka dot panties (this pair, in fact.) I contemplated moving positions, but decided, eh, let him peep. So now I’ll bet he’s going to grow up and have a thing for flaming polka dots. HA

My questions to you are: do you think it’s mostly men who have an imprinting fetish moment, or do you think women are just as susceptible to such a thing? Have you had a fetish “aha” moment?

Got this threadless shirt as a holiday gift…

It was snowing outside, and barely 6am.

We were lounging about in the flannel sheets, genitals stirring.

I crawled down under the covers to suck his cock, since morning breath wouldn’t matter down there. But my mouth was so dry! I didn’t want him to think a cat was licking on him, so I rummaged around in the toy box and brought out something we had never used before - hot apple pie heat lube.

I poured a generous dollop on his hard cock, and rubbed it around. It got all warm and tingly, and was thick like honey. I blew on it and it heated up more. I touched the tip of my tongue to his flavored cock, and oh my god it was delicious.

Eagerly I took his cock into my mouth, and it filled with lovely hot apple pie flavor. Everything was all gooey and I really felt like I was indulging in a wonderful dessert.

After I licked his cock clean, I poured on more to lap and suck up. Twice. I felt like I could go on and on with it, and I did. For over an hour I worshiped his cock and rubbed that yummy warm golden nectar on my nipples, rubbed his cinnamon apple cock all over my face and then let him kiss my sweet and sticky lips…

Finally he came and I gulped it all down easy with a shot of syrup. Then we fell back asleep all messy, tangled and exhausted. We woke a couple hours later and took a late morning bath, all hot and steamy and fragrant with cinnamon bubble bath from LUSH, surrounded by all the quiet drifts of snow.

Here are some houses around my neighborhood. Aren’t they cuuute?

Lite Brite House

Gingerbread House

Devil House

A friend sent me a link to PornoTube, so I went and browsed around. First I watched this tranny with a big dick get fucked, then a white guy blow two strapping black men, then this hot blonde teen girl suck on a Latino banana shaped dick.

Then I found this clip called White Christmas.

The low down: A man gives this skeevy guy dressed in a Santa costume his slutty wife as a Christmas present. Dirty Santa has his way with her and cums in her pussy, then says as it oozes out, “Now there’s a slut wife white Christmas right there. But I need to rewrap and regift it…”

“He keeps seeing Santa Claus through his icicles.”

- my mom, talking about my dad, who she thinks is her dad, cuz she always goes nuts around the holidays.

Once she threw the Christmas tree out the window.

One year she threw an exercise machine on the tree.

One time she stepped on a pine needle and was still ripping her foot apart in March trying to extract it.

My silly aunt’s holiday letter inspired me to write my own. I feel obligated to tell you that everything in this letter is true, since this past year has been one of the oddest for me ever. Thanks for being here through it all. xoxo

Dear Friends and Family, Dec 2007

Happy Holidays! Hope this end of the year greeting finds you happy and well. It’s been quite a year for us.

Late last year TBK was fired from her job for flashing a bartender on a business trip after hours. Then in January, TBK got dumped cold by her 23 year old bi-polar lover for a bi-polar troll chick with a bull ring through her nose that she introduced him to in an attempt to expose him to the concept of “open relationship.” She never saw him again after that, though he did hack her sex blog and attempt to wipe it completely out.

Also in January, TBK sold her soul and got a job at a big corporate fuck prison, where she floundered miserably for two months until they laid her off without warning. She desperately started to look for another job in corporate hell but then thought, “Fuck, I’d rather give blow jobs than work in an office again!” And a light bulb went off in her head.

In the spirit of entrepreneurialism, on April Fools Day she posted an ad on Craigslist and plunged headfirst into life as a whore. Despite the risk of being arrested, diseases, social stigma, or meeting up with the wrong guy, prostitution suited her and she liked it just fine. She met some very nice people. Her plan was to do it for a year, or at least through the summer, but something came up and she quit the business after two months. TBK plans to write a book about her experience.

So what came up that put a stop to her thriving $300/hr business? A lonely widower contacted her on myspace. Enter The Beau.

In January, The Beau lost his beloved wife of 12 years, who finally succumbed to the brain cancer that first struck a decade earlier. She was 41. The death of a wife meant enlisting hospice, caring intensely and tenderly for her in last stage of life, having to make the heart wrenching decision to cease feeding her as she became comatose, preparing her body for cremation, signing her death certificate and notifying all officials, and hand delivering her ashes to her family in Singapore. Her remains now reside in a Buddhist monastery.

After two months of wallowing in utter and overwhelming grief, despite friends and family advising him to wait a year before dating, he went online to myspace and started searching for attractive, intelligent Atheist women. And what do you know - he picked the only sex blogging whore in the bunch!

TBK saw that he was a recent widower, which is a big red flag for anyone not interested in a relationship or hurting someone, so she decided to discourage him by telling him about her job. Even though he had never encountered anything even remotely that deviant and lurid (except on the internet), he was not deterred. Patiently, he told her he would wait for her to figure shit out.

Their first date was on May 6, on what would have been his late wife’s 42nd birthday. It didn’t take TBK long to realize that this was a really special guy, truly loyal and kind, too good for her really, and that she’d be an idiot to pass up the chance to get with someone that amazing. So she abruptly dropped out of the St. Louis sex trade scene and made the transition to monogamous relationship, an alien concept for her. They waited for her to get tested for STDs and all went well. TBK and The Beau plan to write a book about the experience - a widower/whore love story, if you will.

They spent the month of July traveling all over the country and getting to know each other. At the end of July, TBK moved in to The Beau’s house, which was still a completely preserved shrine to his late wife. Together they worked on going through all of it and boxing it up, though there are still many places in the house that hold her memory and she is very much a part of their new blended life.

The Beau is very supportive of TBK’s bisexuality and they are exploring that, as well as bondage, porn, the dynamics of dom/sub, and sexuality in general. In October they had a bondage threesome with a dear friend, and TBK inadvertently got knocked up during that encounter.

After talking it over, they came to the difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy. The abortion went well and TBK has recovered nicely.

She enjoys working from home for a green company and volunteering with hospice and a program that allows children with disabilities to ride horses. She tries to find time to knit, bake, and read all the good books on her shelf.

The Beau is doing what he does best - teaching music. He has also been performing around town, including improv jazz, salsa, and classical. The Beau hopes to find more time to practice, as well as to compose music.

The daughter is very much enjoying 1st grade, except for that embarrassing incident where she was caught in the bathroom putting glue on her fingers and peeling it off. We’re still monitoring her ADHD medication and figuring out creative strategies that will help her be the best she can be. Sometimes she feels like she doesn’t fit in with the other kids because “she’s a fairy and her mom is a witch.”

The three cats - Mr. Bean, Little Murray Sparkles, and Isabella - have adjusted well to the new house, and we just added three rescued rats to the family - Rufus, Honeyboy, and Mr. Tater. So far, TBK has been bitten only once.

What will 2008 and beyond hold for us? Possibilities include getting married (TBK wants to propose and they want to be married by their friend who is an ordained Atheist minister), breeding later on, starting up a kid’s band, more advanced bondage, travel, a spring recital for The Beau, writing books, and perhaps adding a third to the relationship.

Happy holidays to all! And don’t forget to keep life interesting and beautiful.

Love,
The Beautiful Kind & The Beau

Dear Slut,
Why is that women have a thing for Santa? There’s an episode of “Friends” where Monica wanted Chandler to wear a Santa costume in bed, and also there’s the movie “Bad Santa” where a girl bartender had a huge crush on the Bad Santa.
Curious Elf

Dear Elf,
When I first received this question, I thought what the hell is he talking about? I don’t know of any women who have a Santa fetish (I did meet someone at a party the other night who has a Buddhist monk fetish and I really really hope she drops me a line so I can explore that more with her and write a post about it. Also I was extremely attracted to her).

Anyway, back to Santa. I started poking around online and came across this post from Flirty Kitty. An excerpt:

I was thinking she could go to the mall in a very short skirt, a see through black top with a black bra beneath, opaque tights and sexy shoes. She could plant herself in a strategic position across from Santa outside the Winter Wonderland. Hopefully, he would notice her next to the cute woodland creatures, become overcome with desire, and discard the small child in his lap to pull her into the Santa Village.

Yes Elf, you can’t get much more fantasy than Santa. He fulfills the daddy role, the beard, the presents, he’s obviously a nice guy who’s a giver. He also breaks into your house which is totally appealing for women who are into mysterious strangers having their way with them - you know, Christmas rape. And speaking of taboo, that’s another appealing thing about it - being with someone who is good and innocent, like all the priest and nun fantasies. AND he’s a cult celebrity.

In other news, there an article was just posted about a woman who groped Santa.

“The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted,” Michael said.

“I don’t know what the deal was. It was just bizarre,” the mall Santa told a reporter.

Obviously he doesn’t read The Beautiful Kind.

And hey, it looks like Santa has some fetishes of his own…

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? I am. Drop me a line at love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

This week we feature a woman from Memphis, Tennessee. Let’s take a look at the info she supplied.

Name: Summer, Female, 34
Do you want to fuck men, women, or both: Either, but for the moment leaning more toward men
Last time you got laid: Friday, January 26, 2007 - sad, but true
Your living arrangement: I live alone.
Job situation: Office job at a non-profit doing everything from database management to creating e-newsletters and lots, lots more. It’s a good place to work, but the job itself is starting to lose its appeal. Also, it’s becoming even more high-profile and politically influenced than what I originally signed on for. I’m a work-quietly-alone-behind-the-scenes kind of girl.
Fashion sense: Skirts or dresses - usually long but sometimes very short; I hate buttons, zippers, and other such detailing. I like simple, well-made clothes and bright colors paired with black. I like soft, knit fabrics with a nice drape. Shoes are either high (4-inch heels) or completely flat; rarely anything in between. For overall style, think subtle sexy librarian. I also get a lot of people who tell me that I look like I’m an artsy person, which I guess I am.
Grooming habits: Bubble bath or at least shower every day except on the odd weekend or off day when I do absolutely nothing and go nowhere. I don’t like cologne or perfume, but my soap and body lotion are both lightly scented. I occasionally spritz on some natural, light body spray.
Do you floss regularly? Every night
Do you drink? No
Do you smoke? No
Do you have pets? One dog
Hobbies: Reading, writing, bellydancing, drawing, crafty stuff, cooking, eating, lounging, researching various occult topics, just being.
Do you exercise regularly? Semi-regularly; I dance most days, but not always what you would call a strenuous workout.
Places you hang out: Home; although I attend various entertainment events or go to places for a specific purpose, I don’t really hang out anywhere.
Do you have many close friends of your own gender? One close friend; several close acquaintances (for lack of a better term)
Do you have many close friends of the opposite gender? No
How many people (of your target gender) do you currently know that you would like to fuck? What are the obstacles with each one (why aren’t you fucking them?)? There’s no one around right now who really interests me except possibly one older gentleman that I sort of know through work - he’s very attractive and intelligent, and I’d totally hit it if he indicated any interest (and if he is unattached - no wife or serious girlfriend/boyfriend), but, of course, he is one of the business acquaintances who *hasn’t* propositioned me.
What do you like to eat? I love all Asian food, particularly Chinese. I also eat a lot of pasta.
What kind of porn do you like? Man-on-man action, preferably threesomes, gangbangs, or orgies
Are you dom or sub (do you like taking charge or following orders? If rope was involved in sex, would you be tied up or do the tying?) Sexually, sub
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to physical appearance (1 is hideous, 10 is model)? 7 or 8
Using that same scale, what’s the minimum number you expect your partner to be? 7 or 8
One word to describe your voice: Pleasant
Last place you went on vacation: Vermont & Montreal
Financial situation: Currently just paying the bills, will soon be flush once I knock out my car loan (early)
Your thoughts on breeding: I have never had any desire whatsoever to have children. I’d prefer someone who is also child-free, but wouldn’t necessarily mind if the person had kids.
Religion: None; I believe in everything (I’ve studied a lot of different religions and spiritual beliefs; there are more similarities than differences) but think organized religion does more harm than good.
Charity you would give money to: I donate to my local humane society, library, and food bank. I occasionally give to national animal organizations - especially if they promote veganism - and also make one-time donations to organizations like UNICEF or the Red Cross for natural disaster relief.
Music you listen to: Mostly bellydance music these days; I love 70s disco, but I can honestly say that I like something in all music categories
Books: I’ll read damned near anything, but my favorite authors (the ones whose every work I buy and read) are Margaret Atwood, Anne Rice, Joan Hess, Sue Grafton, Simon Brett, Victoria Moran, and Judith Martin (Miss Manners). I have eclectic reading tastes, but I especially like mystery novels, sci-fi/fantasy novels, and anything to do with the occult or mythology.
Restaurant you like: Local, family-owned Asian place that has a variety of vegan dishes and will make anything on the menu vegetarian
Favorite holiday: My birthday; also Halloween
Person you respect/admire: All of the women in my family
Past relationship history: Only two relationships that I would consider serious, neither very long-lived; never been married; not sure that I’ve ever made it to the in love stage
Weird habit: To hear most people tell it, everything I do is weird

The Beautiful Kind’s verdict: Fuck if I know! Summer, you have a wide variety of interests, you’re gorgeous, you have awesome taste in porn, all your ducks are in a row…To be honest with you, I have a huge crush on you (you cook creative vegan food, you belly dance, you read a lot, and you’re dazzlingly quirky). Too bad I’m not a handsome, sexy older man in town to court you, but if you ever want to meet up in Memphis and eat some good veg food, ROAD TRIP!

Have you tried online dating sites? You live in a big city. It doesn’t sound like you get out much or have many close friends, but you do belong to some groups and are socially active. Have you considered joining a group that would have more men? Have you looked in to Memphis Meetups? I just joined an international group - lots of bilingual hotties there. A book group would be HOT, if you could find one that has men. Does your dance troupe perform out and about? Any man who sees you dancing will be instantly smitten. Oh and you read up on the occult - why don’t you put a voodoo spell on that business acquaintance you mentioned?

Good luck and I hope you keep in touch. And keep in mind that if you don’t get laid by Jan 26, 2008, you get your virgin status back.

Why aren’t you getting laid? Request a questionnaire and I’ll tell you. love [at] thebeautifulkind . com