The Beautiful Kind

Dear Cunt, (fine, that works too)
Is the Hare Krishna teaching below meant to condone oral sex with young boys? Also please, does believing in God elevate pederasty to a holy act? As a religious fanatic and sexologist, I thought that you might share your insight into this matter and I have a flower garland.

Let the poets continue to rave about poetry, and let the Vedic scholars incessantly praise the nectar derived from brahman realization. I myself will take shelter of a beautiful youth who is decorated with a garland made of wildflowers, holding a flute to His blossoming lips.
Isvara Puri
Padyavali 35.36

For more wisdom on the science of Krishna consciousness, visit the Teachings section at krishna.com/teachings.

Finally please indicate whether you masturbate contemporaneously while working on the column and if this query puts you into a state of erotic religious fervor.
-Seeking your wisdom

Dear Smart Ass,
While I think you might be reading a bit too much into this quote, you do make a valid point: All religion is whack, not just Christianity. Anyway, you can take that same quote and wonder if it refers to bestiality and sucking a bull’s penis - i.e., when they say “brahman,” do they mean a member of the highest class of Hindus, or are they talking about a grayish, heat-resistant breed of Indian cattle?

Believing in God makes pederasty and other grave missteps easier because instead of tuning into your own internal moral compass to get a sense of what is right or wrong, you just do what you want and then pray for forgiveness or somehow justify it by interpreting the teaching spoonfed to you the way you want.

I only masturbate to the good letters.

PS: If you’d like to further explore the whole Krishna boy-love idea, check out the first Hare Krishna Boy Scout Troop and how one of their members made it to the top. Note how the left-handed handshake photo has been removed from the page…hmmm?

PS2: Send queries or screeds of worship to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

My guy has been out of town at a conference since Thursday morning. I suggested we both deny ourselves orgasms until he gets back, which shouldn’t be too hard for him, since he’s rooming with his straight best friend (although the college girl who served them breakfast practically threw herself at him when she overheard him talk about how he needed to practice tying me up all week in preparation for tying up a girlfriend of mine at her upcoming birthday dinner party).

As for me, it’s a real challenge since I play with myself like a bonobo chimp. About five times a day the little orgasm light bulb goes off in my head - ding! - and then I realize I’m not allowed to get off, grrr. Yet another way of testing my limits. I thought about cheating and sneaking a frantic rub (he’d never know!) but decided that wouldn’t be as fun.

Anyway I pick him up from the airport in about an hour and my crotch is on fire. I’m wearing my new pretty little white lacy bits lingerie under my innocent-looking overalls.

NEED. RELEASE. !

A while back my sister showed me this amazing graphic novel called “Persepolis” by Marjane Satrapi that describes growing up in Iran during the Islamic Revolution. The NYTimes asked Satrapi a few questions (you should read the Q&A, she has some great answers), including this one:

Q. Do you think cartoonists have received their artistic due?

A. No. People either like to write or they like to draw. And we like to do both. We’re like the bisexuals of the culture. People don’t have any problem if you are a homosexual or if you are a heterosexual, but if you are a bisexual, they have more of a problem with you.

The cartoon is being turned into a full-length animated film, to be released Christmas Day.

“Always tell the truth; then you don’t have to remember anything. ”

- Mark Twain

We’ve all seen this video:

But have you seen this - The Miracle of Make Up? Take a scroll-see and tell me which looks better - the before or after look. Make up is good for covering up a blemish, but making you look plastic or your eyes seem radioactive?! No thanks.

And then look at this Photoshop retouching page - click on a number on the left and then mouse over the image. Wow. I’m beginning to think that we find the human race to be disgusting. Or at least women. Men pretty much get left alone as is.

Finally, I leave you with this essay by A Dress A Day called You Don’t Have To Be Pretty.

Now go put on your flannel jammies and eat some ice cream.

I HATE porn face. WHY do they slather a woman’s lips with gobs of lipstick and then tell her to look angry and stupid?

Check out this Hustler cover:

Seriously, did you notice the headlines? They’re kindof funny - like her face. Canadian Men & Asian Pussy?! Kayaking Porn Star?!

Now check out this cover:

Do you know how much better I like this cover? Oh, about a million times. Even the headlines are more palatable. I’d take NYC Hookers over Paris Hilton’s crotch ANY DAY.

Now it’s my girlfriend’s turn to tell The Tale of the Tying Tryst…

TBK and I have been friends for years. I like to have fun once in a while and right now I’m single so I had nothing to stop me from a fearless tryst with her and her beau .

Like TBK said, we had been joking around about him tying me up sometime, but I wasn’t really expecting it. Well our date drew near and the flirtatious talk became more of a reality…when I got to their house Friday night I was greeted by the ropes and scissors. !!

So we went to dinner and had a little wine to loosen up. We were all joking around and having such a good time. Then we went to the Museum and it was really a magical evening. We were like kids again exploring all the nooks and crannies of this gigantic indoor fun palace. We kissed at the crystal. Whoa, I wasn’t expecting that! As far as I was concerned I was just getting tied up .

Well, things got pretty hot and fiery after that. We were escorted by some friends of ours to one of the most private places in the museum. It’s at the top of some stairs that lead out of the cave…in a corner of vinyl curtains and life jackets hanging from strings. We got lost in them and wandered into the corner.

I said “Hey, wanna see my new bra?” So they both lifted my shirt to reveal my large breasts and admired and caressed them through the sheer fabric. It was hot!! Then the Beau decided that I should be escorted out of the museum shirtless…ok shirtless under my overcoat (what the heck did YOU think?)

So he lifted my shirt and pulled it off me, then put my coat back on me (unbuttoned to expose some cleavage). We walked back to the cave and ordered everyone who walked by to kiss at the crystal. That was fun. Then we ran to the car as the Beau progressively unbuttoned more of my overcoat (luckily the street was deserted!) and went back to their place…

We all gathered around on the bed and took turns making out. Then TBK was too tired to stay awake (give her props for staying up until 2am!!!) so the Beau and I made out on the bed for another two hours.

The following night was continued at my house…this time the ropes came out and the Beau tied me up like a Christmas present and ordered me to keep my hands above my head or he’d smack me around. Well I tested him a little for some fun, and he handcuffed me and threw me down on the ground. It was hot!!!

Then he tied my legs together and handed me the key to the handcuffs. I had the task of twisting my hands around to unlock them with the tiny key in the tiny keyhole, then untying myself, all while TBK and the Beau made out. Good distraction. Oh and I got blindfolded, too!

The sensations of being moved about with ropes on, kissed, and touched while you can’t see it are pretty intense. I like the feeling of being thrown around and then kissed. It makes you feel like here’s this person who could hurt you with all his strength, but then they are tender…you feel protected…needless to say none of us got much sleep.

We all cuddled and took turns spooning and sandwiching. What a sweet and tender night. I also want to say that the entire time both TBK and the Beau were so sweet and respectful. We always talked about what we were doing, and they repeatedly asked me if I was comfortable.

Despite TBK’s front, she is a truly sweet and tender-hearted person. Her beau is also kind and conscientious. We all had an amazing time. I know it was blissful for the Beau especially, and I was happy to be a part of it.

And here we have his take on our knotty encounter…

“Well first I popped viagra and did fifty push-ups and wore my sexxy shorts. Then I played there butts like bongos hoo-ey! After a few shots of taquila I turned off the lights and felt them up and tried to guess which was which, ya know, titty braille. I made them give me a hot oil masage topless and then it wass reverse cowgirl all the wayyyyy bitches!”

Just kidding. Here’s the real story:

Hello Beautiful Kind-ers,

I should start by saying a bit about my background. Last weekend’s experiences were my first in non-monogamy. I have been a bit of a square in that department - never even dating more than one woman at a time in my life. My closest experience to a menage a trois was falling asleep with two female friends on my shoulders in a dorm one afternoon in college. I remember that experience as one of the most serene and contented moments of my life (Thanks Jenny and Kelly.) On Friday night, in the midst of our fooling around, we three took a rest in that same configuration. I got the identical peaceful feeling, but there was one big difference this time: both women were kissing me and one of them (I couldn’t tell which) had her hand down my shorts.

In addition to her pretty face and sexy demeanor, our friend has beautiful large breasts and a fit, muscular body. I was tremendously excited during the first few hours on Friday night to brush up against her backside, to slip my arm around her waist, and when she would press her breasts up against me incidentally. Wow! Holding hands with both of these gorgeous women or having my arms around both of them during this early stage of the evening was absolutely thrilling.

I had hugged our friend a couple of times before and that is something you don’t easily forget . Sexy breasts, strong arms, and a sweet heart make for a very huggable woman. The first time that I kissed her was at the crystal in the middle of the caves at the City Museum. TBK was taking pictures and preaching her “You-have-to-kiss-at-the-crystal” mantra. [She has the cutest memes.]

My four favorite activities of the weekend:

1.) Telling our friend to take off her shirt in public. We were in a somewhat secluded part of the City Museum caves and I took off her shirt and put it in the cargo pocket of my pants. I proceeded to kiss and fondle her there in front of TBK with the possibility of anyone walking up on us at any time. This was, by the way, the first time I had felt those wonderful breasts! She was now wearing my FAVORITE sexy outfit for a woman: low-cut jeans and a bra. After a couple of minutes, I helped her back on with her coat - being careful to ensure that enough buttons were open so that anyone looking closely would see that she had no shirt on. She was embarrassed and wanted to button the coat all the way to the top, but I think she enjoyed it. When we got to the door of the building, I noticed that she had tied her scarf in such a way as to cover the opening in her coat. I untied her scarf and “punished” her by opening another button. On the way back to our car, which was several blocks away, I thought she might be cold, so I told her that she could put the scarf back on. She tried to button her coat instead. [You give an inch...] I didn’t want to, but I felt it was my duty to penalize her by opening a couple more buttons…and for good measure, I added a little bit of groping and kissing. She walked the last block or so to the car with her coat open to her waist at midnight in downtown St. Louis. She looked completely sexy!

2.) Both of them kissing over/with me. This probably needs little explanation. It was just as hot as I thought it would be. One thing that surprised me about it was the plethora of soft female real estate from which I could choose to touch, hold, or kiss. I’ve always been a worshiper of the female body. I get a warm feeling from touching not only the breasts, pussy, and ass, but also an arm, the small of the back, legs, feet, hands, hair, and certainly the face. When we were in bed together, my brain was almost overwhelmed by having to decide which piece of skin in front of me to kiss/caress. I kept holding the two of them in different ways…trying to maximize the skin-to-skin contact between the three of us. I literally found myself leaning to kiss one place and changing paths before I could get there to kiss another. It was a state of confusion that I thoroughly enjoyed.

3.) Making out for hours in bed next to TBK. You may have gleaned from TBK’s blog entries that she is something of an early riser and that I am a musician (read: not an early riser.) Luckily for me, our friend was also something of a night owl. We left the City Museum at about 12:30 and got to fooling around at home by a little after 1:00. TBK bravely kept up with us for an hour and a half or so, then told us that she was exhausted. She slid over to the side of the bed, covered her entire body with blankets, and (ostensibly) shut down. Personally, I believe - and she doesn’t deny it - that she was only pretending to sleep and wanted to listen to us make out next to her. We were happy to oblige. I kept my shorts on and I left her jeans on. We proceeded to kiss and fondle away for over two hours. That time flew past and I was very surprised when I did the math the next day. I spent those two hours doing a meticulous exploration of her sexy body. This exploration was punctuated by back massages in both directions. One memorable part of the exploration was sliding my hands up the legs of her jeans…touching my nails to the sensitive nerves on her inner thighs while the tight denim pressed against the back of my hand. I vividly remember the sensation and the outline of my hands in the tight fabric just inches from her pussy. She was making some pretty interesting noises around that time and I was hard as a rock.

4.) Rope Harness Handcuffs Blindfold. I had planned an elaborate rope sculpture that would have utilized both our friend and TBK. It would have put both of them in to a harness, then tied them together. It would also have incorporated a braid made from one strand of rope and each woman’s ponytail (I love ponytails!). The rope extending out of the braids would have been used as part of the apparatus to tie the harnesses together. Unfortunately, we got started too late and didn’t get to make all that happen…maybe some other day. I’m still a novice at the bondage stuff and have a lot to learn about the possibilities and times needed for implementing ideas…not to mention the tolerances of the models. When our friend’s harness was finished and her handcuffs were on, I tied her legs together using a thick cotton belt. TBK said, “It would be nice if we had a blindfold,” so we made one out of a soft scarf that was lying around. Interestingly, our friend became serene once she was tied up. I have to say that this surprised me very much. TBK is the only woman I’d ever tied before, and she is a struggler as a captive…our friend simply relaxed into the bonds. This normally chatty woman became extremely quiet and simply retreated into whatever was going on in her mind. Hmmm? TBK and I took the opportunity to do some “smecking” of our own. After a bit of this, we gave our friend the handcuff key and watched with great interest while she worked her way out of the cuffs, then the ankle ties, the blindfold, and the harness. She actually spent a good amount of time trying to undo the harness without removing the blindfold…that was an unexpected choice. Shortly later, TBK repeated the previous night’s retreat to sleep and we two night owls had some more fun - although we were pretty tired from our lack of sleep the previous night and it didn’t last as long the second night. All three of us wound up taking turns sleeping in the middle for the rest of the night. Ah, the spooning permutations.

Summary: I haven’t said a lot of flattering things about TBK in this essay. I take the knowledge of her beauty and sexiness to be a given for everyone here. One thing that surprised me about this weekend was that when it ended, I REALLY wanted to get with her again. I guess I was assuming that sexual experiences with others would weaken my connection to the original couple, but I found that the opposite was true. It was truly sexy to see her lack of jealousy when watching/encouraging me with another beautiful woman. [I'm sorry to tell all of her male readers that I'm not yet capable of returning that favor.] It was a special kind of confidence that was new to me - I’m still processing a lot of the things I learned this weekend.