The Beautiful Kind

Last month I house sat for a friend of mine. She was glad I was available, and told her husband happily, “With TBK house sitting, we don’t need to hide the porn and sex toys!”

So of course while I was there I looked for her porn stash. Despite extensive snooping (turns out I’m a lousy snooper - I stayed there all week and failed to discover the liquor cabinet), all I could find were VHS tapes, and the VCR wasn’t hooked up, a frustrating predicament since I break out in hives at the site of anything boxy, black and electronic.

I HATE remote controls and get extremely agitated when confronted with multiple versions in my house or other people’s houses. Here’s why: You press the buttons with the intention of turning on the TV or adjusting the volume or playing a DVD and NOTHING HAPPENS. Fuckity fuck fuck! WHY do so many people have remote control DECOYS lying around??

Anyway, I finally found a DVD that looked racy and cult-like. It was called Fuego! The description on the box was promising:

Isabel Sarli, Argentina’s greatest cinema sex symbol stars as Laura, a nymphomaniac who may very well be sexually insane. Despite the constant attention of her husband, Laura just can’t be satisfied: “I need men! I need men!”

Though she makes it with almost every man in sight, what really pushes her hubby over the edge is Laura’s affair with Andrea, her lizard-like lesbian housekeeper.

You’ll thrill at the bombastic title tune that blares every time her motor starts running!

I’m afraid I didn’t thrill. I didn’t even make it to the second film offered as bonus material called The Female, where for some reason “choosing between her sheepherder husband or a fugitive horse thief sends Isabel Sarli straight to a whorehouse.”

But I did watch the movie while sitting on a vibrating pillow and took a bath in my friend’s jacuzzi tub afterwards, so the evening wasn’t a total waste.