The Beautiful Kind

DAMMIT camofaluge is one of those words I spell wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME. Camoflange, camoflauge, camaflouge… Maybe by the end of this post I’ll finally get it right. Or maybe I’ll just use the word “camo.”

I hate the camo pattern almost as much as I hate leopard print. I guess both are supposed to disguise you out in nature, but when transplanted to a mall or parking lot it just looks STUPID.

Did you know that my guy was in Desert Storm? For anyone who knows me this is like finding out I’m dating a Republican - I NEVER thought I’d get with a military guy. He did it to pay for school and ended up as a medic. One of his jobs was life guard duty for this pool in Saudi Arabia surrounded by desert. So at least he was saving lives over there instead of killing people, not to mention working on a good tan (ha!) OK I don’t think he actually Stormed the Desert, but he did have fun hanging out with scorpions and driving big machinery. Such a dude.

Anyway, down in the basement are remnants of his guard dog years - a sand hat, a uniform, some medals. It kinda creeps me out. Which makes me wonder HOW this advice column at ELLE could suggest wearing military pants - I mean, aren’t they a fashion magazine? Check out this lame advice:

Two Secrets of Bootylicious Bliss:

Secret #1: It’s not your butt—it’s your opinion about your butt that makes you crazy.

Secret #2: Official military BDU (battle dress uniform) pants—get a pair and achieve an instant Beyoncé-grade backside!

So this prompted me to look for military apparel online and I found this tempting array of fashion.

There’s a category for KIDS battle dress uniform, but no gas masks whatsoever. Lame!