The Beautiful Kind

Ladies, if you haven’t checked out the dated and over-the-top book The Satanic Witch, you totally should. Teaching the secrets behind seducing men and driving them crazy, it’s like a demonic version of The Rules.

The author, Anton LaVey, is a SCREAM (and also the founder of the Church of Satan). He instructs women on beguiling tricks such as how to dilate their eyes, and how to position their head depending on what kind of message they’re trying to convey (dom or sub).

He also suggests not washing so much, wearing ill-fitting clothes, and tucking a sachet scented with your menstrual blood in your bra when you’re trying to woo a man.

He encourages honing the art of hussy - flash deliberately, but make it look like an accident. Act like you don’t notice your bra strap hanging out. Sit in a short skirt in a way that makes it look like you think you’re covered, but in truth you know the angle is allowing the guy across the room to peep at your panties.

Here are some of his gems, some outrageous, some possessing a kernel of truth:

IN BEING A WOMAN YOU ARE DIFFERENT FROM A MAN AND THAT VERY DIFFERENCE MUST BE EXPLOITED!

No other organ has been so closely linked with the genitals as the eye. If you can read a person’s eyes, they are more naked before you than if you were to remove their clothes.

There are more men who are stimulated by the smell of urine than will ever admit to it.

Men who are dominant and masculine prefer sweet dressings such as French, Russian, 1000 Island. Women who are passive, submissive and feminine prefer Roquefort, bleu cheese, and oil and vinegar, as do males who are passive or gay.

Women like to be felt. Men like to feel. Don’t reverse the procedure, unless you use your feet or legs for contact.

ALL MEN HAVE A FETISH. THE TRICK IS FINDING OUT WHICH ONE THEY HAVE.

Wear the brightest, reddest lipstick you can find.

Remember, “cheap” is just another term for “available,” and every successful witch knows that available she is, but not to just anybody, and she seldom comes cheap.

Some of the best witches are prostitutes. It’s their job to attract men! They not only learn the little quirks that other women never see in men, but they must be able to dress, act and think outside their natural role.

The more experienced a woman appears, the more desirable she becomes. Very few men will be compelled towards virginity in a woman, except as a fillip to the ego.

I make SUCH a good witch.