The Beautiful Kind

Wheeee!

This is what autumn is all about:

- Kissing an angelic redhead
- Contrast
- Scarves
- Striking eyebrows

So sexy.

I went off the pill recently. It was one of those pills that spaces your periods out every three months (see tackle box to right), which was nice, but I was curious to see what I would be like without the artificial hormones. Would I lose weight? Would my boobs disappear altogether? Would I be in a better mood?

It sucks a little cuz it was always nice to have the pill to blame for any flaw on my part. If I broke out, it was the pill’s fault. If I cried, it was the pill. If I was bitchy, the pill. If I killed someone, the pill.

So far I haven’t noticed much of a change, though I have been in a good mood lately. My guy’s take on it? “Lucky for you, now that you’re off the pill I’ll be cumming in your face a lot more.”

(I wonder what Planned Parenthood calls that form of birth control - the In Your Face method?)

I wonder if I can get my man to wear this costume for a sex fantasy.

Of course it would have to be slightly modified so I could suck his Pez.

Note: This list was hard to come up with since I gave up my guilty pleasure of reading People magazine 3 years ago.

Angelina Jolie (I know, I’m SO cliche, but I really like the mother-save-the-world side of her. Oh, and the ride rule is she has to weigh at least 125 pounds to sit on my face. None of this stick figure crap allowed.)
Jennifer Connelly (Don’t you LOVE the black hair/blue eye combo? Elvis did.)
Kate Winslet (Perhaps my physical idea? Curvy, pale, soft, strong eyebrows, sexy accent…)
Gina Gershon (Those lips could turn a gay man straight and a straight man lesbian)
Salma Hayek (Sassy little minx!)
Susan Sarandon (I’ll admit, I’m a little afraid to see Mr. Woodcock.)
Nicole Kidman (I love her in period films.)
Natalie Portman (She’s brainy and vegetarian to boot!)
Daryl Hannah (Hot environmentalist alert)
Laura Linney (Classy redhead babe)
Cameron Diaz (This beach bunny is so athletic, too bad she’s not a brilliant philanthropist as well)
Jennifer Aniston (I don’t know why.)
Keira Knightley (We all know why.)
Penelope Cruz (More hot brunette action)
Angela Bassett (She looks like a queen, and oh my god those cheekbones.)
Jodie Foster (Sexy dyke asskicker)
Gwyneth Paltrow (Yes she’s a skinny blonde with a pretentious name, but she’s also part fairy.)
Maggie Gyllenhaal (Maybe, but DEFINITELY her brother.)
Cate Blanchett (Also part fairy)

Alas, Liv Tyler, despite her movie role, is NOT part fairy.

Note: This list was hard to come up with since I gave up my guilty pleasure of reading People magazine 3 years ago.

Naomi Watts (Someone once told me I have nipples like hers which I found horrifying because hers are like bendy straws.)
Kate Hudson (She wears dark eyeliner and it makes her look strangely mean.)
Eva Mendes (Hitch was the worst movie EVER.)
Scarlett Johansson (Her mouth looks like a Valentine and this annoys me.)
Jennifer Jason Leigh (She makes retro films seem like a bad idea.)
Sara Jessica Parker (I hoped having a baby would fatten her up a bit.)
Claire Danes (She’s STILL playing the spoiled brat role?)
Uma Thurman (She’s STILL on my shit list.)
Sandra Bullock (Her acting face is set to “look confused.”)
Renee Zellweger (Pout. Squint.)
Lindsay Lohan (I don’t even know who this is but I’m sure she’s annoying.)
Hillary Swank (ugh ugh UGH.)
Jennifer Grey (I still haven’t forgiven her for her double crime of Dirty Dancing and a nose job.)
Portia De Rossi (She was so cute a few years ago, but has since gotten too stringy and overly made up.)
Kirsten Dunst (I don’t know why, but I kindof want to smack her.)

Are you sensing a pattern? Apparently I don’t care for skinny blonde women with the optional pretentious name or perpetual squinting habit.

God I love purging. To be honest with you, it’s one of the main reasons why I like donating blood. If I had to pick an eating disorder, it’d be bulimia hands down.

I get a thrill when I sit down at my computer and delete files and unused programs. “Are you sure you want to delete these 36 items?” it asks nervously. Fuck yeah!

I love going through a closet, bookshelf, or cabinet and trashing or donating all the crap that accumulates. Give me your garage, basement, or attic.

And omigod my parent’s refrigerator. No matter how often I go in there and clean out that thing, there are multiple jars of condiments that expired three years ago. I like consolidating the three open jars of Miracle Whip into one tangy blob.

Garbage day is like reverse Christmas for me - I never forget to put out the trash because I get off on it so much. I love taking stuff to the curb and knowing that I WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN.

I’m reading a book called Garbageland that reveals all the secrets behind the trash industry - it can be as guarded as the meat industry. I’m learning about landfills, recycling (I’m such a recycling slut) and composting (I love worms).

The first thing I did when I moved in with my beau a couple months ago (besides put up my 200+ Pez dispensers and 30 sock monkeys - it’s weird that I’m a purger AND a collector) is sign him up for recycling and start a compost heap out in his backyard. I also threw away most of his shit.

He might be having second thoughts of letting me move in (I also covered his television with a decorative tapestry since the big black box was so unsightly) if it weren’t for all the blow jobs he was getting in exchange.

Just like how when you hear in the news about a parent who set their child on the stove top burner it makes you want to kiss your own child and hug them extra hard, every time I go over to my parents house and see their filthy toilet, it compels me to rush home and lovingly scrub my own toilet with bleach.

PS: Holy crap, check out the toilet cake here.

I don’t know why, but my guy hates when I refer to him as “DaddyDom.”

My biggest nightmare would be if I were rear-ended by an uninsured person wearing a Hawaiian print shirt and Croc shoes driving a PT Cruiser with a spoiler.

Oh and maybe if I got maimed, that would suck as well.

- The Beautiful Kind

One of the hottest things I’ve ever seen was a full-on mfm (male-female-male, also know as a Queen MAT, menage a trois) featuring three attractive, open-minded people. One guy was a sexy geek, the other was tall with model good looks, and the woman was doubly lucky - not only was she sandwiched between two hotties, but she also had the nicest pair of real breasts I’ve ever seen (that is if you’re into young, firm, luscious C-cups.)

I was in charge of the camera. God it was erotic to watch everyone else in the room disrobe, while I remained fully clothed. That and the camera made me feel like this powerful phantom voyeur. (Too bad I don’t have any of the pics on hand and had to use this cheesy image instead.)

I circled the king-size bed breathlessly, capturing shots of all their beautiful bodies entwined. It was so hot to watch the men kiss, the woman between them.

I watched as one of the men lubed up and attempted to penetrate the other. It was amazing to see a man (for a change!) squirm and gasp as his tight hole got invaded by a big cock.

After a bit, they switched positions, and the woman was pinned against the headboard by one guy as he fucked her missonary, her legs up in the air.

Then - be still, my heart! - the other guy came up behind the man fucking the woman and mounted him! Just imagine if you were fucking someone AND getting fucked at the same time by someone else! All the moaning and pounding was overwhelmingly delicious.

My brain exploded.

Here’s the thing: There are heaps of bisexual men out there, but they’re afraid to admit it. Most of the swinger community treats bi men like outcasts, openly specifying on their party invites “Bi women welcome! Bi men, stay away!” So many people think bi men are dripping with AIDS. Fucking lame.

I’ve only dated a couple of bi men, as most of the guys I end up with are disappointingly straight. Like the guy I’m with now. That he’s straight is the one thing that makes him imperfect (OK, that and the fact that he wanted to see the Transformers movie.) Thing is, if you go around asking women, most will tell you they think it’s hot to see two men kissing. Cuz, you know, it is.

So why the hell is it acceptable for women to admit that they’re bi (HI I’M BI!) but men feel the need to defend their love of poetry or their desire to be pegged? One of my friends thinks it might be an evolutionary biology fluid thing - that two men together are wasting seed and this is distasteful, but two women together are acting harmlessly, in fact if anything they’re just priming themselves for propagation, getting all ripe and orgasmic.

Another friend said to me, “Duh, 98% of every man’s fantasy is to be with two women at once, so if a woman announces she is bi, she’s taking him one step closer to that fantasy. But if a guy says he’s bi, it puts the woman on danger alert - she’ll constantly think he’ll leave her for a man.”

Hmf. We need to rework this mindset, cuz I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The world would be a better place if everyone was bi.

And now I’m inspired to write about one of the hottest things I’ve ever witnessed. Tune in tomorrow.

Him (Eyeing me about to put his cock in my mouth): You do realize that was just in your ass.

Me: Ah, it was just the tip.

I posted something about cotton candy on my Kid page, and I have to say, now that Halloween is almost here (the countdown starts in September) I’m craving candy.

What the hell happened to Mars bars and Maple Nut Goodies? I’ve looked all over for these things - gas stations, grocery stores, the midwest, in town, with no luck. And god I love that British candy - Violet Crumble, Flake, Whispa.

(Gene Wilder was psychosexy as Willy Wonka. I always thought it was so tragic that he lost his wife Gilda Radner to cancer - they were such a cute, quirky Jewish couple. And did you know he wrote a novel called My French Whore?)

I also want rhubarb pie. But I’m over my doughnut fixation, thank god. For a while there I was obsessed with Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and had to stop for one or two every time I drove by a store (they’re actually vegetarian, can you believe they don’t contain lard?)

I wanted to shake this habit, so I went and bought a dozen and forced myself to eat as many in one sitting as I could. I ate 9, and got terribly sick. To this day those globs of frosted fat gross me out.

Oh and I like french fries dipped in Dairy Queen ice cream.

Am I pregnant?

I freakin’ hate leopard print. Except, you know, on leopards.

Hideous decor. Inexcusable, really. Definitely not The Beautiful Kind.

Is this leopard, or leprosy?

Did this woman fall?

Nice spotted ball pouch.

OK this leopard cub is admittedly cute…

And I tried really hard not to like this, but it just is that it’s tongue scaldingly HOT. Hey let’s play a game - imagine your mother in this outfit. Your boss. Some fat Republican politician. The next person you see.

“Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.”
- Jeremiah 13:23

Here is Nelson, a BABY sock monkey, fashioned from children socks, riding Frog, the sock frog. He is goin’ places!

So can you. Get your own sock monkey and vegan delights this weekend at the Strange Folk Festival in O’Fallon, IL.

My guy and I are working on fucking in every room of the house, and last night the living room got broken in.

We were fooling around on the couch when my mind hijacked the situation and transformed my loving partner into a skeevy older dad making moves on the teenage babysitter.

That’s right, I was the fresh young 17-yr-old babysitter sitting on the couch around midnight, waiting for the parents to get home, watching TV, drinking Diet Coke.

I heard the fumble of the lock as they entered. The wife was pissed and drunk and stalked right up to her room to pass out, leaving the dad to pay me and take me home.

The dad gave me some money, but he was frustrated and horny, so he offered me another $40 if he could eat my fresh young pussy. I felt bad for him, and I was just a stupid chick, so I giggled and said OK, and he pushed my mini-skirt up and pulled my thong down. I sat on the couch and he knelt on the floor in front of me, eating my pussy.

His experienced and hungry tongue lapped my juices up like nectar and made me cum like crazy, so I didn’t mind when he got so carried away with eating my pussy that he sat on the couch and undid his pants and released his thick hard cock and demanded, “I’m not taking you home until you babysit this!” HA HA HOT

What could I do but straddle him and swallow that cock up into my tight young pussy and ride him good so he could shoot his load in me as his kids and wife slept upstairs?

And that’s what I thought about as my guy bent me over the arm of the couch and rammed the shit out of me.

Here is why this guy is not hot:

1. He’s shaved.
2. He’s brown and beefy.
3. His skin has the texture of a Lil’ Smokie weiner.
4. His eyes are creepy.
5. He’s too muscular.
6. He’s on the cover of Playgirl.
7. He’s gay but selling out.
8. He’s seriously in love with his six pack.

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Here’s why this guy is hot:

1. He’s smart and funny.
2. He has a wicked sense of humor, including making fun of himself.
3. He’s down to earth.
4. He has that scruffy beard.
5. He’s holding a cat.
6. His name is Zach.
7. His website links to Save Darfur.
8. He does yard work.

-

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Here’s why this guy is hot:

1. He’s Harry Fucking Houdini.
2. His real name is Ehrich Weiss, which is hot and Jewish.
3. He died on Halloween.
4. He’s all suave and vintage.
5. He was a skeptic, routinely debunking psychics and mediums.
6. He could escape from straitjackets and chains and shit, sometimes underwater or suspended upside down from a tall building.
7. He had a heavy accent.
8. He was an amazing magician - he once made a full grown elephant disappear.

The St. Louis Atheists Meetup Group usually holds meetings where one can sit around and discuss philosophy, logic, science, religion and politics with like-minded people. But next week’s meeting on September 19 will be a little different, celebrating Talk Like A Pirate Day. What do pirates have to do with atheists, besides both being heathens? Um, this.

If ye plan to attend, toss your God, join the group, and study up on Pirate Laws, Pirate Vocabulary, and go right ahead and dress like a pirate if ye like, especially if it makes you look like this, or this. Yes, pirates are sexier than ninjas.

Find an Atheists Meetup group near you. Can’t get enough pirate booty? Check out the St. Louis Pirate Festival, also this month.

PS: And omigod did you see that corny movie Stardust that came out recently? Ya gotta LOVE Robert DeNiro’s priceless role as Pirate Cap’n.

I finally discovered the trick to successfully jacking off my man - be ladylike about it and stick my pinky out as if I’m at a tea party.

Yes, I would like cream with that.

(Pic snagged from Tea Birds, a blog dedicated to hot chicks drinking tea.)