Panera Rhymes With “Tasteless”
Filed under: Vexed - August 24, 2007 @ 9:07 am
“Do you like Panera?” my guy asked me as we were driving.
“Oh sure, if I want something dry and decorative, you know, like a paperweight,” I replied.
This snarky answer didn’t change his course, and five minutes later we were standing in line at Panera, about to pay them for something that we knew wouldn’t taste good. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found myself in this situation, due to convenience or meeting someone out in public. I guess you can’t get much safer than Panera - bland food, bland conversation. And that hideous elevator music they play! I wonder how many self-inflicted lobotomies have occurred within the confines of their Tuscan gold walls.
The tiny old woman staffing the register took his sandwich order, and asked if he’d like an apple to go with it.
“Is it sour?” he asked.
“It’s FUJI!” she bleated in a high-pitched voice.
“Fruity? Ah never mind, I’ll take a piece of bread instead.”
So then his plate had a sandwich on it, a roll, and another triangular piece of bread thrown on there, just for the hell of it.
Guess which bread tasted the best? NONE OF THEM. THEY HAVE NO TASTE. You might as well chew on a napkin and sip tap water. And stab yourself in the head with a knife. It was painful to watch him choke it down. Of course I didn’t get anything - their food doesn’t deserve to be eaten by me.
I think the problem is that they somehow got mixed up, and are selling the fake bread they use for their marketing photos. And just look! Those are totally sour apples in the background. Scammers.
