The Beautiful Kind

Last week we touched upon a good way to avoid being bothered by men. But what should you do if you’re really feeling threatened? You can’t reason with them, you sure as hell shouldn’t submit, and it doesn’t work to tell them you have AIDS and are on the rag.

Take a tip from my mother and fight back with a twist: act insane.

A few years ago I was walking down the street, and two bad boys (about 13 years old) on their bicycles started following me like a couple of wild dogs staking out a deer. (It must have been what I was wearing - a long black skirt and sweatshirt.) I tried ignoring them, but then they started coming closer, calling out, “Hey slut! Hey bitch, where you going?”

I tried walking faster, my heart beating fast, but they started veering their bikes into my path, closing in, chanting obscenities. They were totally getting off on my fear. It was when they started bumping into me that I stopped in my tracks and started flailing and gave some of that fear back. I channeled my mother, screaming, “SNAKES ARE COMING OUT OF MY EYES SWEET JESUS!” and a few other choice phrases.

It worked like a charm - they freaked and took off. Plus, it was fun to see the look on their faces.

Kidding.

Sortof.

A while back I posted something on circumcision. Since then I’ve discovered this article in LiveScience on the matter. It says:

For circumcised penises, the most sensitive region was the circumcision scar on the underside of the penis, the researchers found. For uncircumcised penises, the areas most receptive to pressure were five regions normally removed during circumcision—all of which were more sensitive than the most sensitive part of the circumcised penis.

Yikes. I don’t suppose nerve endings like that can be repaired years later, despite the men who attempt to restore the natural look of their penis. But I guess it’s good they didn’t get broken all together. If I was a guy who got snipped as a baby, I’d be mad, just like I’m mad I got baptized as a baby - silly ritual! I suppose it was done in order for me to get into heaven, and dammit I’ve had to work extra hard ever since preventing that.

Anyway, while they’re down there snipping baby peckers, can they give them vasectomies while they’re at it?

“I’m gonna fuck your tonsils.”

- my guy, auditioning for the Hot Chicks With Douchebags website

(of course I let him)

Dear Slut,
My question is about the adult “dating” sites. I see your site now has profiles on the right side of the page from AdultFriendFinder. Are these types of sites any good? I’ve read some sites reviews that say there are a lot of fake ads/profiles, but other sites do claim success. What would be the keys to success on these sites? Have you ever tried them with any success?
- Not Looking For Love

Dear We Know What You’re Looking For,
If your question is, “Will giving my money to sites like these connect me to hot, kinky, sexy, women who will do just about anything?” the short answer is NO. But if you’re in it because you’re a pervert and hopeful and curious and might whack off to some of the profile content and consider actually meeting someone sane a bonus but aren’t counting on it, well sure, it’s worth a try.

I’ve met a lot of men, women and couples online and have had great success, including from AdultFriendFinder. But it helps that I represent what most people are looking for - see above. Every guy I met from AFF told me it was terribly disappointing (besides meeting me of course) and that they did not intend to renew their membership. You have to wade through a lot of bullshit and liars, which takes time. But there are real people out there who just want casual sex and are not disgusting or crazy.

If you’re looking for human interaction and exploring sex but not a long term/monogamous commitment, I would recommend trying a free site like Craigslist or myspace. Put right on your ad/profile what you are looking for, but when you contact people you’re interested in, don’t be all skeezy about it. Treat them as a friend, an equal, and with respect. Be open and honest. I really do like the term “friend with benefits.”

Another thing I notice is that men have ridiculously high standards when it comes to women (young, gorgeous, thin, big boobs, flexible, able to deep throat beer cans), despite the fact that the men are not exactly brilliant, stylish, smoking hot package themselves. Be sure you’ve got what it takes to be desirable, and be prepared to provide good photos of yourself if that’s what you expect in turn.

Ask your female friends for their opinion on what women like or which of your pics are flattering - for some reason men are clueless when it comes to knowing which pics will appeal to women. And if you’re not photogenic, take a bunch of pics to capture the right look - HINT: warm, inviting, sexy, as opposed to menacing, indifferent, or psychotic. I’m serious! Look at some of the photos people have on their profiles - there’s no excuse in this day and age to have blurry or grainy mug shots. Oh, and ditch the cock shots - in the initial getting-to-know-you phase, women would rather see your face or chest.

Send your kinky questions to love [at] thebeautifulkind . com

Just like my blog!

The shaved head and goatee look is very popular in Indiana.

And that’s just the women. You should see the men.

I’ve been out of town, staying at someone’s house, someone who thankfully has a thing for Elvis, but also, most regrettably, for baby dolls and clowns. My guy and I were staying in her room, and she had this dead looking doll sitting in a wee wicker chair on her headboard. I did my best to ignore it, pretend that it wouldn’t creep down in the night and suck my breath and rip out my hair, but it would not be ignored.

Of course my guy and I fucked (in the dark mind you, so we wouldn’t see all the clowns and dolls leering at us), and all that rocking scooted the dead looking doll’s little chair to the edge of the headboard just enough, so that in the middle of the night, while we were sleeping, it fell on our heads.

1.In Indiana, a state even more red than my usual hang out, Missouri. The name Indiana means “land of the Indians,” but there are less than 8000 Indians living in the state. Also they do this weird thing here where they race cars around a track really fast, and they put their pizzas in bags instead of boxes. Plus Michael Jackson was born here.

2. I attended a white trash picnic with NO BEER.

3. Watching painfully patriotic fireworks surrounded by a sea of DUDES and Thick People (note: I have no problem with fat people who are vegetarian, but I’m automatically disgusted at the thought of a fat person wearing a bib, eating a big slab of ribs. Come to think of it, a thin person eating ribs is gross, too.)

4. Staying in a room infested with 34 clowns - sad ones, jolly ones, crocheted, knitted, latch hooked, embroidered, stuffed, painted-by-numbers, even a goddamn clown flyswatter!! All of them staring at me and doing ghastly things like evil giggling and somersaults while I’m asleep.

Why oh why are sock monkeys irresistible, but clowns are so damn creepy?!

- The Beautiful Kind

So I’ve heard through the grapevine that there’s a guy who is a legend among the prostitution community in St. Louis. They call him “Soapy.” Soapy can only get off when he’s marched into the bathroom and has his mouth washed out with soap.

Wouldn’t you just looove to know how that developed?!

Which makes me daydream about other weird fetishes. We all know about men who have a smoking fetish, or are into balloons (two camps on that one: the ones who like the act of blowing up the balloons, and the ones who like the act of popping them), but have you ever heard of men who get off on women chewing gum and blowing bubbles?

A friend told me he has a female friend who has a paypal racket set up for men who want to buy her stinky shoes, so every weekend she makes her rounds to the local thrift store to pick up pairs of used shoes to sell to them for much more than she paid for them. HA!

What’s the strangest fetish you can think of? Ooh ooh, here’s one - how about a “Mr. Bunny” - a guy who goes around paying women to stick carrots in their vagina so he can eat them out?

And here’s a real one I read in a sex essay: A man would hire two women to watch him tread in waist high water wearing high heels, and got off on the women throwing oranges at his buttocks.

OK, now it’s your turn.

This pic is total masturbation material. Never mind that it is of a band whose music I don’t know - Akron/Family. Just look at that Russian architecture, that scruffiness, the beard and scarf combo. Sheesh, I hope I end up liking their music - it will make being a groupie much easier.

I like to masturbate while wearing my new jester-style fair trade wool hat from Ecuador:

I’ll lie back with my Hitachi Magic Wand and diddle myself, the hat pulled over my eyes, smelling all organic. I’ll imagine a super hot chick spreading her ass cheeks to a man, telling him to eat her ass. His nose will be buried in her crack, his mouth and tongue pleasuring her tight, sensitive hole.

Then she’ll ask him to fuck her ass, and lube him up and slowly guide him in. It’s when he’s balls deep inside her and about to erupt when I explode myself, gasping and moaning, and in an instant I realize I’m wearing the dorky hat and I start cracking up, my orgasm dissolving into giggles. Fun!

An altered sign I saw for an apartment complex in Columbia, MO:

Keep books on feminism in your bedroom. First of all, it’s very sexy to have books in the bedroom. But if you have books like this and you and your date are lounging around and she starts perusing your shelf, she will get hot and want to fuck you in an egalitarian (or not so!) fashion.

PS: It helps to have actually read the books.

Here is Sandoval trying out stool samples in a thrift store in Bangor, Maine:

And here he is playing professor at University of Maine. Like everyone else, he just loooves those Herman Miller Aeron chairs:

I saw another sex blogger’s post about what it means to be sleeping with a sex blogger, and I could relate. I ask myself, “Is this bloggable?” before I do just about anything, sexual or not. And while I’m, say, getting eaten with my hands tied above my head, I find myself taking mental notes, eager to relive the amazing sensations later as I document them. Hey, at least I’m not thinking about my grocery list.

Whenever I’m dating someone new, they like to share their good fortune by showing friends or family my blog. Yes, I’m The Beautiful Kind - sexy, witty, intelligent and love forced blow jobs and all this can be gleaned from reading the blog, but I’ll tell you right now it’s never a good idea to show a family member this website. Others reading it fear for the person I’m dating’s life, as if I might bite off their head during copulation or give them some genital rotting disease. Oh, please.

Also, I’ll be hanging out with the person I’m dating and they’ll mention something personal about me, like that time I got fisted or will ask about my butt plug set and I’ll be alarmed and exclaim, “Did I tell you about that?!” And they’ll say, “I read it on your blog.”

JESUS.