The Beautiful Kind

From time to time I stand around at my daughter’s school for various events, acting as though I’m shepherding children towards safety and enlightenment, when really I’m just staring at all their nasty little Croc shoes and thanking the powers that be that I didn’t have a son.

So because of this, I was invited to a volunteer appreciation breakfast, which I am pleased to report was vegetarian. Even when they’re meat free, I still have an emotional allergy to such gatherings. I hate mingling with normal people, making small talk, and listening to people stand up in front of a group and read vapid quotes off of cue cards like, “Volunteers don’t get paid…because they’re priceless!” And I hate being told to clap for all the hard work I’ve done this year (”Let’s give ourselves a hand for making this a great school year!”) I’ve already patted myself on the back enough today, thank you.

I always hover at the door when I arrive, trying to decide if it counts towards attending if I at least step inside the room before fleeing. I have to force myself to affix a name tag on my boob, and then I immediately sit down, hunch over, and scowl, judging everyone’s fashion choices and fixating on the paper napkin designs. Then I mentally remind myself to sit up and look neutral, maybe fake a weak smile whenever someone happens to glance my way.

Anyway I’m glad I stayed for 30 minutes, because I got to eat fresh berries, the paper napkins were decorated in my latest obsession, polka dots, and I got to overhear this conversation:

Man wearing business casual attire to man wearing business professional attire, which includes a button advertising the bank where he works: Free marketing, ey? (This is code for: “I can’t openly make fun of you like I used to do in grade school because we are adults now.”)
Man wearing business professional/button, abashed: Well I do have to work today.
Man wearing business casual, possibly realizing that was a douchebag thing to say, attempting to recover: So how was your trip last week?
Man wearing business professional who took a lame trip: Oh it was fine, except for all the rain.
Man wearing business casual, reverting back to douchebag dialogue because that’s his comfort zone: Well what are you gonna do, it’s gonna rain. (This is code for: “You big complaining baby. You should accept the weather God blesses us with stoically. I should punch you.”)
Man wearing business professional, defeated: Yes, without the rain we would all die.

And now their empty conversation, which they hoped would evaporate and be forgotten the instant they turned away from each other, has been captured on a sex blog for thousands of people to read.