How To Be Gorgeous Like Me
1. For the love of god, don’t remove your eyebrows and draw them back on.
2. Keep it as natural as possible. For instance, don’t inject poisons in your forehead or plastics in your chest, and only opt for blue eye shadow on special occasions, like drag shows.
3. Wear just a little makeup. Too much makes you look insane or, at best, insecure.
4. Stick with your original colors. Why do so many women bleach their hair to make it lighter and tan their skin to make it darker? Did they not get the memo? Here it is: Yellow is not a good hair color.
And your skin is best at its natural color. Don’t try covering your bruises and stretch marks with tanning - accept your true self and feel good that you aren’t speeding up wrinkles and cancer (bruise = temporary, cancer = OHH SHIT). Like guys CARE about stretch marks. They look like tigerrr stripes, which is totally badass.
5. And if you do go with blonde, don’t use black eyeliner. The raccoon look makes your eyes appear smaller and creepier, especially if they’re blue.
6. Keep your hair touchable. If you fear the rain because it will make your hair collapse, um, it’s not 1986 anymore. Please toss your hairspray and set your time machine to 2007.
7. Moisturize under your eyes with a lightweight moisturizer in the AM and PM. Dab it on. And wear sunglasses if you ever feel the need to squint.
8. Wear sunscreen daily, even in the winter and on cloudy days, especially on the back of your hands.
9. Instead of spending $$ on expensive teeth whitening “systems” (avoid anything with the word “system”), swish with cheapo hyrdogen peroxide every couple days or so. Totally works. Works so well, my dental hygienist asked me if I had whitened my teeth. Yeah it costs like a dollar.
10. Don’t eat meat. It’s toxic.
11. Masturbate. A lot. Consider it the fountain of youth.
12. Be a salty slut. Bathe with it, gargle with it, lick it. Salt is the ocean, it is the Earth, it is tears, it is YOU.
jedidansolo Says:
April 11th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Well said. There is nothing sexier or more of a turn-on than a women who is not fake.
rtist933 Says:
April 11th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
semen is also a good source of salt…bathe in it, gargle with it, lick it…
The Beautiful Kind Says:
April 12th, 2007 at 8:02 am
rtist933,
No WONDER you’re so gorgeous!
blove121 Says:
April 12th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Echoing jedidansolo, it’s a woman’s comfort in her own skin and confidence in her own natural beauty that makes her sexy, not a transparent attempt to conform to an artificial standard of sexiness.
Peek Says:
April 13th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Re eyebrows, *shudder*, also to be avoided at all costs is tweezing them into twin Hitler moustaches, giving one a constant mildly surprised look. Eyes are the windows to the soul! It’s hard to admire the windows when there is a Meatloaf poster tacked over them as makeshift curtains.
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Susan Helene Gottfried Says:
September 19th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Wise advice, indeed. And since I take so much of this, does that mean I’m gorgeous like you? Cool.
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