The Beautiful Kind

A friend of mine got these t-shirts for he and his wife. Click thumbnail to enlarge.

Let’s look at the male version first. Notice how he looks like a stupid caveman - not exactly fuckable, is he? But that’s OK, cuz he just wants to drink beer and perpetuate stereotypes about women har har har!

#7 on the list: “When you finish with the beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents.” - What is that supposed to mean? That when you finish fucking a woman she’s worthless? Isn’t it usually the other way around - that a guy is done once he has an orgasm, but a woman can keep going?

#8: “You don’t have to WASH a beer before it tastes good.” and #15: “You can enjoy beer ALL MONTH LONG!” - Oh sure, pussies are sooo skanky grosssss and if it bleeds you can’t touch it cuz it’s DIRTY. Um why not just wear a t-shirt listing why being gay is so much better than being straight? Cuz cock is so much cleaner and tastier, dontcha know. Like beer!

And as for #10: “You can share a beer with a friend.” and #14: “You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.” - Way to go, be possessive and monogamous and resentful because that’s what society taught you. Haven’t heard of swinging now, have you?

OK so now it’s the ladie’s turn. Notice how she’s stereotypically attractive (in an 80’s kind of way?) with her blonde hair and come hither look.

#1 on the list: “You can have more than one beer at a time.” - Now how stupid is that? WHO has two beers at once, and WHY can’t you have more than one man at a time?

#14: “You can have a quick beer on your lunch hour.” - Um, so WHY can’t you have a quick fuck on your lunch hour? And why is it more acceptable to come back buzzed and tired to the office instead of rejuvenated and giddy?

I need to come up with a “Why sex is better than anything” t-shirt.

PS: I drank a beer while I wrote this, but I’m not sure who I was supposed to be hating while I did so, since I’m bi.

The facts:

1. Every Saturday afternoon all the little Orthodox Jewish boys in the neighborhood gather in the common ground behind my house to play ball.

2. Yesterday was no exception. I could hear them merrily playing from my bedroom.

3. I masturbate daily.

4. Yesterday was no exception. I was on the bed with my vibrator, enjoying some alone time.

5. When I’m alone, I like to let loose and have a good holler, so I yelled “FUCK YEAH!” as I came. I wasn’t planning on yelling that, it’s just how I was feeling in the heat of the moment.

The one fact I overlooked:

1. Since it was such a lovely day, I had the window open.

I realized this when it suddenly went quiet out there and I heard one of the boys say, “What was that?”

Hopefully they just thought it was some guy watching sports on TV. My dad makes disturbing noises like that when the Dallas Cowboys make a touchdown.

One time my swingmate and I hooked up with this other couple who only wanted the women to play together. The evening would conclude with the men having sex (they called it “making love”) with their respective partners, all in the same bed. This made the couple a little square in our opinion (the woman taught Sunday school), but of course we respected their boundaries and got together with them a couple times.

The first time was a little exciting for my partner - he liked watching us make out, my hands tangled up in her long, wavy dark hair, caressing her large pale breasts. We got all dolled up in lingerie and used toys like a double headed dildo, and the other guy took pictures (one of the funniest pics is of us on either end of the dildo on our hands and knees - we look like a pair of tied dogs.) We ate each other and writhed around on each other, sticking vibrators where the sun don’t shine.

Well, the second time was more of the same, and my partner got bored. He felt a little silly sitting in a chair positioned by the bed next to the other guy, and his mind wandered. So while the other guy leaned forward and drooled and snapped pics and provided commentary (”ooh baby that is soo hot,” “this is heaven!” “suck on that dildo before you put it inside her”) my partner suddenly got a study idea (he also experiments in a lab, not just the bedroom), so he quietly excused himself from the sapphic show and went into the other room and jotted down research notes for later. Then he used the restroom, checked his watch, sighed, and went back into the room.

Some guy(s) created this official looking article in the hope of getting more head. The premise of the article is that fellatio prevents breast cancer. I’ve had two women send it to me who thought it was legit. Just imagine how many jerks have sent this to their girlfriends.

Here is The Beautiful Kind’s study findings:

BEING A DECEPTIVE DOUCHE BAG SIGNIFICANTLY REDUCES THE AMOUNT OF HEAD ONE GETS

A study conducted by Washington University in St Louis suggested that putting out phony articles that prey on gullible women and their health can not only reduce the amount of head a man gets, but may even shrink his penis down to the point where even the mere idea of putting it in a woman’s mouth will result in the woman and all her friends shrieking with laughter while clutching magnifying glasses.

Here is a gallery of female breasts.

Here is a gallery of vulvas (not vaginas - you can’t see the vaginas in these pictures.)

A lot of men have told me that their partner won’t have sex with the lights on, or won’t let him eat her, even though he’s dying to taste her. A lot of women lament the fact that their breasts are saggy or their pussy is “too lippy”. Women, do not be ashamed of your tits or pussy. Leave the lights on. Take a look. Or do what I do and shove ‘em in someone’s face! Be proud of your unique body and allow the pleasure to flow!

I just got this message from some gangsta DUDE (another one of those white guys who wish they were black):

hey u are sexy, have u ever did anything sexual with any of your relatives? just a question, i think that is very kinky

How should I respond?!

God it’s so cute when old white guys fight over war issues. I just wish they would strip down and coat themselves with baby oil like the chicks do at strip clubs - it’d be so much more entertaining.

Last night I wore the very dress up in the header on a date. I had oysters (pussies on a platter!) and champagne (craved it after watching Marie Antoinette). Going in I had designs to have my way with the guy out in the parking lot immediately following dinner, so I went without panties (so much for the Panty Parade!)

I whispered dirty nothings in his ear at the restaurant, and we went out to his car to finish the conversation. He smirked and said, “You look sexy surrounded by the leather in my SUV.” Grrr that pissed me off - he knows I’m a hippie bitch.

I said, “Oh you like the contrast?”

“What contrast?”

“Of my living flesh against the dead flesh?”

“Whatever, it’s hot.”

I said, “Get in the back seat.”

“Why?” he feigned ignorance.

“Cuz I’m gonna replace this gross leather smell with pussy.”

He gave me a look, and without a word, got out of the car, opened the back door, slammed it behind him and slid to the middle of the seat, and stared challengingly at me. Now.

I climbed through the front seats and straddled his lap. I grabbed him by his hair, kissed him savagely, and pushed his face in my chest. I felt his hot breath on me. His cock leapt to life - I felt it underneath me, stabbing me. All I had to do was push my dress aside and yank his pants down in order to force myself down on him. I groaned as I went from aching to filled in a second. I rode him hard, my mind trained on our orgasms, a million miles from the parking lot, the SUV, and all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together.

I’ll never wear that dress again.

A message from dear Amandine in France!

hello Beautiful… I just want to gave you one billion of smack!!! hihihi
it’s like kiss, but with much more saliva (beeeeeeeeerk!!!), Nooooooo, it’s
like kiss, but just for the wonderful girl like you!!!

Mmm, it’s all in the brain. I’ve had the good fortune of waking up in the throes of an orgasm three times in my life. Each time I was dreaming really perverted stuff, and I didn’t need to touch myself at all. I’ve since heard that 40% of women experience orgasms during sleep, and according to a book that was published late last year called The Science of Orgasm, it’s possible to have orgasms from elbow stimulation - the genitals don’t need to be involved.

The authors were interviewed by Wired, and they spoke of a woman who had a spinal cord injury near her shoulders. She was able to give herself an orgasm by using a vibrator on her neck. Women can have orgasms from imagery alone. We have a vagus nerve that wanders through the body, opening up all kinds of erotic pathways to our brain. So think about these things the next time you ride the bus, get a massage, or watch a sexy movie. God, life can be such a turn on!

I LOVE this nine minute lecture delivered by Alexxys Tyler on infidelity. The laywoman’s evolutionary biologist, she hosts a public television show based out of Atlanta, and for some reason, her mother sits beside her, not really to contribute, but perhaps to offer support?

Watch and find out what drives a woman to use sex toys, how a “jackrabbit” works, how a penis can brainwash a woman by ejaculating right up in her brain, and what kind of man won’t even buy a woman a shrimp dinner from Long John Silvers but will offer her a side of penis and a rectum full of sperm.

PS: I love how she says the word “penis.” penis penis penis!!!

Observations from the Son Volt concert at the Pageant Saturday night:

1. I was surrounded by duuuudes. Dudes on the stage, dudes chillin’…

2. Lots of good geek beards on display.

3. The guy in front of me had a bald spot and long hair in a ponytail. Is it just me, or do guys look weak when they’re sporting a ponytail?

4. Several oversized striped polo shirts. YAWN.

5. The other guy in front of me was wearing way too much jewelry. Metrosexuals are annoying.

6. Lots of hot women accompanying the duuudes.

7. Beatle Bob (of course), but a few other people giving Beatle Bob a run for his money in the “Thrash Awkwardly to the Beat” department. I can never decide whether to feel embarrassed for the dorks spazzing out, or admire them for letting loose and expressing themselves. Going to concerts has such primitive roots - if you’re into it, it can feel almost spiritual, to unite with so many people, to let the music take hold of you. Hearing your favorite song performed live can be like a dream coming true - a combination of the familiar and new.

You’re heard me bitch about how men don’t get to wear hot lingerie like women do - but hey, here’s an attempt at giving men the option of colorful expression that goes beyond boxers and tighty-whities. I dunno about hot, but it’s fun!

This image from the NYTimes would provide for 9 weekly installments in the Panty Parade. The male model is even more hairless than me! The image comes from an article about a guy named Steven Lien who opened a store in downtown Portland, OR, that features only novel or little-known underwear for men. Lien pointed out

“The store was profitable within 30 days,” he said. “And I didn’t open on Gay Street, U.S.A. I opened on Main Street, U.S.A.”

Rah! Down with white underwear!!!

Hey I’m not the only one who craps out. One time I was with a guy and I went to bed at 2am, and he didn’t come crawling to bed until 5am, and at 8am I woke up horny and started sucking his cock. It woke up raging, but he was still sleepy. I kept pawing at him, to which he responded by lying on top of me in a weak effort to get into position. He’d kiss my neck and breasts for a moment, then would collapse and whine, “I’m soo tired!”

I whispered sweetly, “As soon as you fuck me you can go back to sleep.”

He haltingly proceeded with his amorous intentions, which were punctuated by whimpering and, “Baby, you know how much I love to please you, but I just can’t…”

Jesus, I haven’t heard that much whining since the time my kid didn’t get to have a playdate.

FINALLY he mustered up enough energy to fuck me hard and fierce. Then he kissed me and rolled off and groaned, “There. Now leave me alone!”

I did leave him alone after that, but he still suffered from terrible exhaustion the rest of the day. Poor baby!

My question is: Does this count as rape? Even though he was on top? Or just coercion?

The other night I had a Super Hot Date. This is what transpired:

- Had dinner at my new favorite restaurant, Meskerem.

- Went to Target and bought my date wifebeater shirts. He said he has never had one!

- Went to Walgreens to buy condoms.

- Went to the Royale and had the Boozy-Q, a dessert involving chocolate and alcohol. And drank alcohol too.

- Went back to his place and forced him to model the wifebeater shirts.

- Attempted sex but discovered we (oh fine, I) was too tired and bloated to achieve orgasm.

The only thing that would have made it better would have been if a sock monkey had been incorporated into the evening. And if I could manage to stay up past 10pm.

Won’t my parent’s basement be fun to clean out when they die?

OK finally, here’s a hot swinger moment for ya.

My swingmate and I regularly dated this other super sweet and sexy couple. They have SEVEN kids, but were as playful and adventurous as kids themselves. We actually picked them up in a swinger bar - it was their first time there, and ours too. The guy had a pantyhose fetish, so us ladies would indulge him and wear pantyhose with holes cut out in the crotch for easy access. He just loooved to caress our legs and went gaga giddy when we put all four of our feet in his face.

Anyway we became so close and trusting with this couple that we were able to play bareback with them - no condoms! This opened up a lot of hot possibilities.

For instance, one time she and I laid back on the bed, with our legs hanging over the edge, and the men stood in front of us and fucked us for a bit, then switched off. How hot-n-porn is that - to get to fuck two hot pussies back and forth?! And the best part was how FUN it was - the guys were having a blast, it was so cute. She and I just smiled and turned to each other, and with twinkles in our eyes, kissed.

A friend of mine who dabbles in swinging noticed my anti-TV post as well as my latest mini-series on swinging.

He told me, “You know, the only time I’ve watched TV in the past 15 years was when I got on a Seinfeld kick back in college, and then about two more times after that when I met up with swinger couples.”

I said, “What do you mean? I thought you meet up with swinger couples for SEX! I mean, that’s way more primetime than American Idol, or whatever the fuck people are watching these days.”

“Yes, that was the underlying reason for me to come over, but these couples incorporated TV into their daily routine, so before we got down to business each time, we sat and watched TV for a while first. ”

He said he felt annoyed having his time wasted sitting in front of the TV, but that both times it paid off. With one couple, he got to play with the woman. And with the other couple, he got to videotape them having sex. Which no doubt they’ll be watching on TV later…

I can see it now: “Dammit honey it’s just reruns tonight! … Saay, remember that night last fall when we had that guy come over so he could film us having sex? Let’s watch that!”

The guy I used to swing with and I joked about the tastes of swinger couples we would consider double dating. We maintained that if a couple wanted to meet at an Applebee’s, it was a sure sign they were not our type.

Well, we went back and forth with this one couple from a swinger site. They had poor quality photos, but seemed nice enough. We finally decided to meet them in real life, and asked where they wanted to meet. Yep, you guessed it.

They suggested Applebee’s.

We balked, but at this point we figured we had gone this far, we might as well meet them. In those early days, the idea of meeting a new couple made me too nervous to have an appetite anyway.

When we got there, my heart sank as I took in the couple waving us over. The guy was a big guy with a beer belly, moustache and baseball cap. The woman looked like a dried out, tanned skinny redneck with bleached hair. Yeah they were nice, but it sho wasn’t gonna happen.

When my guy and I had a chance to step away to plan our next move, I was astounded to discover that he was intrigued with the possibility of doing dirty things with the redneck woman. Apparently, her rough- around- the- edges- yet- wearing- a- short- black- cocktail- dress look was working for him, and he was even hopeful he might get to remove that little black dress out in the parking lot in their truck!

“I don’t think so!” I hissed, “The guy has false teeth for godsake. I am NOT taking one for the team!”

“OK, OK!” he conceded quickly.

We politely finished our meeting with the couple, left and had dinner at a locally owned, vegetarian-friendly restaurant, and then went home and fucked. And he didn’t even make me whisper white trash sweet nothings in his ear.

Once I went to a small swinger party and one obnoxious guy was present. Since there were only four couples, I thought it would be rude to ignore just the one guy, so I had sex with him right off the bat to get it out of the way so I could enjoy the rest of my evening.

Big mistake. Um, in retrospect, what’s wrong with a polite “no thank you” ? Stupid me!

As soon as it was over, he leered in my ear, “I’m gonna fuck you alllll night long.”

And he did. UGH.

When he finally tried to stick it in without a condom (he got drunker as the night went on), I finally had enough and left.

I won’t ever let myself be railroaded like that again. Not to mention that I reinforced his boorish behavior. Fuck, I could have gotten a disease from trying to be polite! I’ve learned to be more assertive and get what I want out of the situation, not cater to others. The women are the golden keys to the whole thing anyway.