Baby Shower Power
Filed under: Vexed - March 30, 2007 @ 4:41 am
I went to my friend’s baby shower last weekend. She’s due next month. I’ve come to realize that any event that requires a gift registry makes me uncomfortable. Thank god they had cocktails and chocolate truffles, as that eased my nerves a bit.
The party game was to guess the next line in songs with the word “baby” in them, and since I’m a musical dunce, I decided to make up my own lines.
So instead of:
“Baby face…”
Correct Answer: “You’ve got the cutest little baby face!”
Boring!
I went with
“Yes sir, that’s my baby,”
My Answer: “The DNA test proves it.”
“Come on, baby, rescue me…”
My Answer: “This sea water is 32 degrees and I’m suffering from hypothermia.”
“Baby, baby, I’m taken with the notion,”
My Answer: “Let’s go ahead and use the lotion.”
At one point I went out on the porch with a friend of the pregnant woman (pregnant women = goddesses btw) to keep her company as she had a cigarette. The friend, Lacey, asked what I did, and I told her I was a sex writer. That perked her up and she asked a few questions and by the time I finished answering them she was fanning herself and saying, “I need to go home and have sex with my boyfriend!” Now how awesome is that that I can make women horny at something as sweet and innocent as a baby shower?
Granted, it was the dirty deed that caused the baby shower, but from glancing around the party, you’d never know any of these women had ever had contact with sweaty, grunting cock-wielding men. It was all so pastel, green and purple, soft, feminine. They even had an adorable guest baby on hand to give everyone an extra surge of progesterone. (Shh, when no one was looking, I surreptitiously pulled my birth control pills out of my purse and kissed them.)
Later my pregnant friend emailed me:
“Thank you for coming! Lacey now understands why I want to make out with you all of the time!”
March 30th, 2007 at 5:01 am
Nothing like a baby shower to make me get on my knees and thank the universe I don’t have a child. One of the nice bonuses of having mostly gay friends is the lack of baby showers.
Very pretty site design by the way.
March 30th, 2007 at 6:24 am
It’s a good thing that all of the parents of people that dispise children so much didn’t have the same mindset…otherwise there wouldn’t be any of you whiny self-centered, narcissistic egomaniacs to spice up our world. Oops, maybe wouldn’t be such a bad thing…hahahahahahaha
You’re still the sexiest mutha fuckin creature out there Beautiful…*mwah*
March 30th, 2007 at 8:51 am
So how is the book coming? Have you spoken with any publishers?
March 30th, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Hey, are you protecting her identity? LOL You crack me up! Great post. And the truffles are almost better than sex. Maybe they are all the birth control you need!
March 31st, 2007 at 6:59 am
Heh. I can see why she wants to make out with you all the time.
And chocolate is good. But nothing, nothing is better than sex.
Nothing.