The Beautiful Kind

So my site got hacked the other day by a pissed off ex. He still cares soo much (good or bad, doesn’t matter, he’s still obsessed!), he wiped out all my files and put this “splash page” up in its place:

Not just New York’s Cum Bucket, or North America’s Cum Bucket, but The WORLD’S Cum Bucket. (The only thing neater would be The Universe’s Cum Bucket.) Anyway, high accolades, and I’m flattered. I mean, I don’t think even Jenna Jameson can claim that title. I think I’ll add it to my email signature. And ha, a few people thought I did it myself as a publicity stunt!

Now come on. I’d think it’d be clear by now that you can’t slander me sexually. Whatever you say can only heighten my image. See, the beauty of choosing this form of celebrity as opposed to say, a politician, is that the only way someone can expose and ruin me is to tell everyone they saw me at church the other day or that I knit and do volunteer work. It won’t do them ANY good to reveal that I ran off to Mississippi when I was still married and had a spontaneous threesome in an abandoned church (so I DID go to church once!) But hey, it’ll do ME good. He would have done better to post something like

Now THAT would be embarrassing. Or

or

OR

Eek, mortifying. Or

God, the shame!

Anyway, does this mean I should avoid fucking tech savvy geeks from now on? I sure hope not.

Oooh just look at this prissy party goin’ on. Sarina holding court with all the other tea birds…

(Score your own sock baby goodness at Ahimsa Creations. That is, if I don’t buy them all first!)

Not only did my gorgeous site get hacked, but I got kicked off the skeezy sex site I have a profile on the same day! I got the boot for sharing this blog url with people who contacted me - the site police figured I was trying to scam people for a paysite, which violated their own money making policies. Nah, I’m not making money off this shit. Yet.

And hell they should pay ME to have a profile on that site. Idjits. Getting banned from that site is almost as good as the time my credit card got flagged for fraud cuz the porn I tried to order was too hardcore for a woman. You KNOW you’re a pervert when other pervs won’t accept your business. God I love me.

My Dear One who lives in Japan sent me some of her KNICKER shots! And she said I can SHARE! xoxo (By the way, she reports that the stereotype that Japanese men have small dicks is NOT TRUE.) And psst, see the pair with the rip in ‘em? That was done the night before by a feverish motorcycle mechanic.

I saw a cleaning lady flyer posted on the bulletin board at work. It said:

Is your life really hectic? Is it hard to find time to keep up with daily chores? I CAN HELP. I do deep cleaning, organizing, and even your laundry if you like. Call Krissy for a free quote.

OK, I do have a hectic life, but I don’t mind cleaning my house (despite my parents best efforts to raise me as a slob), and frankly the thought of paying someone else to clean my bathrooms makes me uncomfortable.

So I’m wondering if maybe I can hire Krissy to do some of my socializing so that I can clean my house. I can picture it now - a friend will invite me to coffee or dinner, and I’ll say, sorry, I’m booked, but will you take Krissy in my place? Or maybe I’ll just send Krissy and see if the friend even notices.

Here are my 230+ Pez dispensers.

Most are common, but some are rare, actual vintage pieces, or designs only available in Europe.

My second favorite one is Dumbo. He’s vintage. My first favorite is Mr. Ugly, another vintage, but guess what? He’s MISSING.

My daughter decided he was so ugly he didn’t deserve to see the light of day, so she went and hid him somewhere, and can’t remember where. I told her my life wouldn’t be complete until I found him. She said warily, “What if you never find him?”

Grrr. As tempting as it is to hide ugly things, she shouldn’t have done it! So if you’re over and see him stashed somewhere, please notify me immediately! I’m offering a handsome reward for his safe return.

Here’s a bit of a myspace profile from some 22 yr old white guy in St Peters who tried to add me:

About me:
IM 22 YEARS OLD….I LIKE REAL PEOPLE NOTHIN FAKE UNLESS THERE TITS LOL..NAW BUT I LIKE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AND TALK TO SOME COOL PEOPLE…

Beverage (non-alc)? DP
Beverage (alc)? Jimmy
Food? vagina
Item of clothing? wife beater
Meal of the day? whenever i get to eat son
Feature on yourself? im one hot ass mother fucker!
Quality in a girl? i like me a gansta bitch!

Word! Oh, and he has all these pics of Eminem on his page. Someone’s got a crush…

Earlier I posted something on how to suck dick. Since women are more complex, I won’t pretend to know exactly what they all want. But I do know what I want, so listen up! Wear that snap button shirt and take notes for our date…

1. Kiss me, pet me, stroke my hair. Work your way down the curves and valleys of my breasts, my belly, my hips, my thighs. I usually like lying on my back to receive your oral worship.

2. Kiss the inside of my thighs. Inhale my scent. Lick up and down my slit.

3. Sure, tongue fuck me and all that good stuff. Then, focus on my clit. The key is the right speed and pressure. (This usually means licking, but sucking rhythmically can be a nice change of pace.) Don’t glue your mouth to it. Back up a little to give your tongue room to dance. Pretend you’re a cat lapping cream.

4. Keep it steady, focus. If you get tired (it might take a few minutes, especially if we’re new to each other) take a breather and kiss on my thighs again, or play with some sex toys, buzzz. But get back to it when you’re ready! And feel free to ask if the pressure/speed is right.

5. I like it even more if you put a finger or dildo inside me while you’re lickin’. You can move it slowly inside and out, or just rest it there. The sensation of having something inside is nice enough just on it’s own. I like to feel it when my muscles contract with the orgasm.

6. You’ll know I’m getting close cuz my legs really tense up. And you’ll know when I cum cuz I’ll holler to holy hell or if we’re in church or something, I’ll just whisper to you that I’m cumming, so that you know what’s goin’ on, that you sent me over the edge, yessss!

7. You can keep it up for a bit afterwards, I don’t go instantly sensitive. And usually after I cum I’m good n’ wet, it’s my fav foreplay, and I’m ready to fuck. But first, I’ll give you a gold star.

My pervy friend was driving through Florida a couple months ago when he stopped at one of those sleazy roadside sex shops.

He browsed the porn, then slipped into an arcade. He got the video going, then whipped out his Johnson and started to go to town.

All of a sudden, he heard this tiny little voice, like an elf, whisper, “LET ME SUCK YOUR DICK.”

WHAT?! Where did that come from? He glanced around wildly, looked down, and saw it. A hole cut in the wall about dick level, and one eye staring intently at him.

“Um, no, but you can watch,” he offered, which he thought was nice of him, since he’s straight.

He tried to continue, but he was unnerved.

The eye in the hole whispered, “LET ME SWALLOW IT,” but my friend couldn’t finish, so he zipped up and left.

I told a friend of mine who’s gay this story, and he griped, “Now see, I’d go into one of those places and NOTHING would happen to me!”

So I decided I wanted to get with a big strapping black man who’s hung like a horse as a change of pace from all the skinny white guys I usually get with. (Note: Not all black men are hung! It’s just that they tend to be show-ers as opposed to grow-ers).

So I found one off the internet. We chatted on the phone, and he told me he had to work some evenings for his job, so I asked, “What do you do?”

He immediately got sheepish and said he didn’t want to say.

“What, are you a bouncer at a strip club?”

“What?! No!”

“Work at a casino?”

“No no.”

“Is what you do illegal?”

“NO!” he said, laughing. “Naw baby, look, I’ll tell you when we meet in person, OK?”

I have to admit, I was nervous. Why didn’t he want to say what his job was?

But of course I met him last night at a cool bar in U City.

Turns out he’s a COP. And not that I have a thing for that, but for some reason I thought that was really sexy. He packs more heat than I thought! He’s even been shot. He regaled me with fascinating work stories. I asked him if cops were really corrupt and racist, and he said no. I told him how my mom would love him, cuz she watches CourtTV 24 hours a day. And when his cell phone went off, the ring was that COPS theme song. Seriously.

So is it wrong that I’ve already fantasized about making sweet love with him while listening to Barry White?

PS: He told me he wanted to eat my ass. And he doesn’t even read this blog. I told you so!

The other day I was standing in line at an Asian grocery store with a cute, brilliant young friend. Apparently I wasn’t the only person with a hankering for wasabi peas, lychees, and seaweed, since the line was looong.

All of a sudden, my friend pulled a solved Rubik’s Cube out of his coat pocket and handed it to me.

“Here. Mix it up.”

OOOH! I got right on it, giving it a good go.

I handed it back to him, and I’ll be goddamn, but he solved that fucker right there in the line in like two minutes!

“UH UH!” I freaked. I snatched it from him and mixed it up again.

“Do that again,” I ordered, shoving it back at him. … Ta da:

I never knew a Rubik’s Cube could be used as foreplay, but I got wet let me tell you.

But he really sealed the deal when he whipped up a couple designs…

I don’t understand this, but guys like to eat my ass. I can’t get over the number of men who do this to me, completely unprovoked. One time (and I have witnesses who can back me up) a guy started eating my ass while I was mid-conversation. It’s not that it bothers me, but it does make me giggle. Not because it tickles, but because I think back to what my ass was doing only 4 hours earlier…thank goodness some things are dual-purpose.

And that I practice good hygiene.

Here’s a cute note from a woman in France (her charming blog is Utha’s World):

Hello!!! This week I try to translate some words just for you!!! I feel flattered, and I kiss you very very deep!!! But not like a lesbian, I have a boyfriend and I love him!!! hihihi!!!!

I love your blog, it’s a wonderful place, not a WOW place, but one where I’m feel good, I speak about you to my friends, they love too!!!

kiss!!!

SIGH, five more beauties added to the collection. Makes it a perfect 10.

Art and penetration make for a great combination…

Ahh, little googly-eyed Ellen. She has this cute little flecked body you have to see in real life to fully appreciate. Anyway, I was going about my business one morning getting dressed, when I opened my closet and discovered something new and interesting about Ellen…

She has a corduroy fetish. (You can’t tell in this picture, but she was jumping up and down.)

Today at work I got yelled at by my manager for abbreviating words in notes I took for a meeting. The words in question were “info” and “re.” I was told I needed to spell them out fully, so “information” and “regarding.” Keep in mind that we’re talking about stupid note taking, not an official document!

And this in a place RIFE with acronyms.

So then I asked her about her abbreviation for “no later than” - she uses “NLT.” She said, “oh, that’s acceptable.”

So WHY can you say “NLT” instead of “no later than”, but you can’t say “info” for “information”?!

WTF?! I mean - what the fuck?!

When I stand in line at the grocery store, I see all the impulse buys. I suppose those gossip rags are quite irresistible to some people.

Well. For those gullible souls, I say this: Stop caring about celebrities. They don’t care about you. Let them do what they’re getting paid to do without you obsessing over their every relationship change.

But come to think of it, notice how those wacky celebrities practice warp speed serial monogamy. There’s not much difference in my book between polyamory and fucking a bunch of people in a row with some overlap, except polyamory is a more open and direct approach, and would probably result in more lasting relationships, and less of the crash and burn approach.

NASA climate scientist Drew Shindell was interviewed in The New York Times and was asked what he thought of the term “global warming.”

He said he thought it was a poor choice of words, that it sounded cozy and comfortable.

He suggested replacing it with the term “climate meltdown,” which sounds a little more ominous…

A while back, when I was under scrutiny for a custody issue with my daughter, my ex-husband’s attorney used my Amazon wish list as evidence against me. He pointed out the book about fisting on my list and asked me if I thought that was an appropriate book to have in the house with a child.

Um, hello! First of all, I didn’t even own the book, I just added it to my list impulsively, since I was so tickled that there was an entire book dedicated to the art of fisting.

Second, I’m thinking this wouldn’t be my choice for a bedtime story for her, nor would I declare it a good coffee table book.

And third, a fist in the vagina is not NEARLY as kinky as a head up there, and it was her own damn head that stretched me waay more than any fist ever would. Finally, my ex keeps guns in the house, so whaddya think is more dangerous to keep in a house with kids - guns or books? Hmm… Asshole.