The Beautiful Kind

Since I can’t masturbate or look at porn at my new job, I’ve had a few people ask what I DO all day. Here’s a typical day:

- Arrive at security gate. Swipe security badge.
- Park in huge parking lot and walk a far ways to get to fortress.
- Once in fortress, swipe security badge again to get past second security checkpoint.
- Take elevator to 3rd floor. Navigate through cubicle maze to arrive at assigned cubicle.
- Turn on computer and either jump onto a conference call or check email.
- Go for coffee run.
- Go for bathroom run.
- Check email.
- Shuffle papers.
- Have more training. Wonder why the fuck the intro slide to the PowerPoint presentation features a mountain. Wonder if the acronym NMFY within the presentation stands for “No Mountain For You.” Guess on other acronyms: EHW (”Eight Hours Wasted”) HHYS (”Ha Ha You Sucka”) LPO (”Let’s Play Office”)
- Attend a meeting that makes no sense. Notice how person conducting meeting admits it makes no sense, that they’ve been there three years and it’s STILL confusing to them.
- Check email.
- Avoid people.
- Walk by huge picture window overlooking the lake and look for patterns in the ducks and geese. Imagine flyiing over the rippling lake like they do.
- Stare at people in disgust because they have bad taste.
- Check email.
- Gossip with former boss who also works there.
- Lunch. Either eat at desk or venture down to cafeteria to find something vegetarian in a sea of steak sandwiches and chicken salads.
- Prepare to stomach afternoon block by thinking mean and dirty thoughts.
- Check email.
- Wonder when I’ll get some real work to do.
- Have a phone conference about something that makes no sense. Seriously.
- Go for coffee run.
- Go for bathroom run.
- Get some personal writing done.
- Check email.
- Notice that so and so is ugly.
- Sign up for more training classes next week.
- Observe that other people are also just going through the motions, but admire the ones who actually look like they give a shit. Wonder what drug they are on.
- Check email.
- Get excited when it turns 4.
- Start goofing off in earnest.
- Not be able to stand waiting til the clock turns 5, leave at 4:53, giddy.
- Bolt down the stairs.
- Exit fortress, look wisftully at sun setting, think about how I can’t get to my car fast enough.
- Get in car.
- Scream.
Repeat x5 each week.