The Beautiful Kind

All right you bitches, after three glorious months of being a lady of leisure, I got a job. Here is why I got a job:

1. for money

2. so all of you would quit fucking asking me if I got a job yet. Or how the job search is going. Or if I had any good leads.

Now you can just go back to asking me about my fabulous sex life. Speaking of, don’t you worry - I still have plans to write The Book. But more on that in a moment.

Here are the details on the job, cuz I don’t feel like talking about it over and over. I’ll be working for a company called MasterBate. I think I’ll be doing phone sex or something, not really sure, the job description had so many damn acronyms I can’t really make any sense of it (BJs? DP? A2M?).

I know that for orientation I’m supposed to declare mine (BI-FURIOUS!) and for training I’m to bring a tub of petroleum jelly and XL condoms (thank GOD I stocked up at Walgreens!) They wanted me to start on January 8, but I told them that would be a conflict since that’s Elvis’s birthday and that would be like wanting a Christian to work on Christmas. Luckily they are tolerant of cultural differences. And I had my drug test today, so I can get all coked out New Year’s Eve, hooray!

OK so back to the book project. I want to write a book called The Book of Goddess: Elevating Your Desirability to Mythic Proportions. Here is the outline:

I. Foreward: Full Circle - How My Tits Have Served Me

1. The Secret to Having It All (see, I put it right up front and center for all the eager beavers)
2. Look at You (tips that should be obvious but apparently aren’t, such as, don’t dye your hair yellow and your skin orange)

3. The Brains Behind the Operation (including one easy thing you can do to become immediately smarter)

4. Ovaries of Steel (attitude and re-orienting yourself to the way it should be- too many women let their insecurities get in the way of pleasure, and that results in millions of aborted orgasms, which is just a damn shame)

5. How to Seduce (so you, too, can hear people beg and gasp that ohmygod you’re amazing)

6. Down n’ Dirty (your ticket to wallowing in the pig pen of perversion)

Glossary (with words and acronyms like “cougar,” “fisting,” “A2M,” “DV,” “mff” and “milf”)

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