The Beautiful Kind

I couldn’t decide on the above title or “I Fucked Albert Einstein” so I just went with the one that was more truthful and self-serving. Anyway, this article by Desmond Morris suggests that geniuses fuck around because they’re brave and it’s a form of risk-taking. Some folks are offended by the article, calling it sexist, and well, it is. Cuz all it does is moon about great men and rationalize their shitty behavior. What about the women with big brains and brass ovaries? Surely I’m not the only one.

Oh fine, I can’t claim to be super smart, but I am horny, and monogamy is dumb. But my god the men featured in the article (Einstein, Kennedy, Picasso) are portrayed as total asshole playas (Kennedy was supposedly done with a woman as soon as he tried three positions with her). Nothing wrong with a little respect, ey? And I guess being open about your desires would just spoil the fun? Hmpf. Like Laurelin (link above), I call bullshit.

There I was, minding my own business, shucking corn, when all of sudden this ear of corn FLASHED me. Why they call it “ear” of corn is beyond me when it really should be “tallywhacker” of corn. Look, it even has silky PUBIC HAIR. I don’t know about you, but I like eating cockcorn at the movies.

God I love the jewfro. Whenever I see a guy walking down the street with a mop of dark curly hair, I just want to tackle him and run my fingers through it and mess it up more.

If you have two guys with hairy chests and you mash them together, will they stick together like velcro?

So this is my nipple. Is this small, pink button of flesh really such a big deal? Why can you see pretty much the entire globe of a breast and that’s OK, but the minute a nipple peeks out, that’s shocking? How come my brother could post a pic of himself topless on his blog and no one would think anything of it, but if I did it, that would be considered - GASP! - nudity?

Last night I saw this great documentary called Breasts.

The participants, most of whom appear topless, represent a wide range of age, size, race and background. They include an 11-year-old on the verge of puberty; a breast-feeding mother; a 24-year-old with a breast reduction; a stripper with implants; two women with mastectomies; a beautiful transsexual; a 49-year-old who is concerned about the safety of her silicone implants; a 420-pound comedian; and two mother-daughter pairs. Their candid thoughts are humorous, moving, and often surprising.

Yeah you should see it. So quit staring at my nipple and rent it.

A friend loaned me his Naughty Origami book. Now the sex on my desk at work has doubled. My fav tho is the origami sperm. At the end of the instructions it says: “Repeat 100 million times.”

Just look at all the folded paper possibilities online… My fav is the one of the “dog taking a shit.”

There are GGG (sorry, can’t link to their actual site, it’s too too graphic and I’m not brave enough) videos that involve 40 men and 4 women and a bowl and a spoon. It’s enough to make Julia Child blush.

I’ve been quite interested in the porn star Belladonna these days. She directed this film called My Ass is Haunted, and the title alone made me want to possess it (ha ha), but my gosh it’s like $45! Check out the blurb:

Oh wow!  If you’re looking for a hot anal sex flick that’s a bit different, My Ass Is Haunted may be the perfect porn for you! Directed by the lovely Belladonna, this film features lovely ladies (in an all-girl cast), unique toys, and a healthy mix of religious iconography and haunted asses…

So I asked one of my handy high tech friends to score me a copy off the internet labyrinth, and he did! (Got busted by his wife in the process, but that’s another story.) I don’t think I could have requested a more perverted film. (Here’s a review of it.)

The huge black butt plug in the film is more like a fire plug for godsake, and two nuns shove crucifix dildos up their butts, and there’s a scene where this pregnant woman sticks her big toe in another woman’s ass.

But the gag parts are when one woman gets a load of lube up her wahoo so she can…expel it, and when two women gag themselves on dildos and each other’s fists so that they produce copious amounts off bubbly saliva and then they swap the spit. Really I could go on and on, that’s just the tip of the 3 hour anal iceberg.

Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
- Anais Nin

I admire Anais Nin. Everyone seems to admire her, which surprises me, since her writings include pedophilia, incest, bestiality, and necrophilia. My favorite collections are Delta of Venus and Little Birds.

One of her husbands died recently. His obituary in The New York Times stated:

Rupert Pole was her dedicated companion from 1947, when they first locked eyes in a Manhatten elevator, until her death from cancer in 1977. For all this time Nin was married to her first husband, Hugh Guiler. For years, she performed a balancing act, dividing her time between Mr. Pole’s spartan cabin in the Sierra Madre and Guiller’s opulent apartment in New York. And for years, Mr. Pole did not know of her double life. When he did find out, he did not object much.

Of his long, unorthodox and adoring association with Nin, he said, “I was jealous, yes, but I played the same game as Hugo (the other husband), pretending to believe her. In a way, I did not care. My idea of marriage is different. We had a wonderful, deep relationship, and that is what counted. I was not interested in conventional women, or in conventional marriage.”

I was intrigued by the crucifix dildos used by dirty nuns in the porn My Ass is Haunted, so I looked around to see if I could order one. Oh swell - there are several religious sex toys. Jackhammer Jesus can be yours for $60. (Of course I had to have him.) From the description:

Jesus fucking Christ. Literally. This extremely blasphemous dildo features a fairly realistic dickhead at the tip, and a crucifix complete with a figure of our crucified Lord at the base. A very hefty dildo with lots of ridges and bulges, it’s perfect for playing debauched priest, naughty nun, or re-enacting The Exorcist.

Finally all those times I pant, “oh god oh god oh god” would make sense. I’m pretty sure this is a good substitute for church.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned- it’s been three days since my last masturbation…

Update: Jesus is a huge hit at parties!

A couple months ago I went to the Benchpress Burlesque show at the very cool, very wood Lucas School House.

BenchPress Burlesque is a radical multi-gendered, sex-positive, queer-positive, feminist feast of political performance art. The troupe seeks inspiration from the historical roots of burlesque as a variety show of political satire and class critique and aims to merge a contemporary feminist viewpoint with the sexy performance art of burlesque. As their name suggests, they push the limits of expectation and show a tougher side of fishnets and corsets.

One of the best skits was performed by Petey, born female but identifies as male (seen in the center of the pic below, wearing hat and bow tie). Most of the time (s)he is in full man regalia, but for this skit he was wearing trousers and boots below, and a corset and beard stubble above. He fucked and sucked a bike to the Queen song “Bicycle Race.” Lasciviously licked the handlebars, thrust his black strap on dildo between the spokes, humped the back, sucked the banana seat…seriously, it made me so hot I went into critical mass shock.

I have women ask me from time to time how I manage to wrap all the boys around my finger. They say, “Teach me O Great One.” (OK they don’t really say Great One, that’s me taking poetic license.) It’s true that it helps to have looks, brains, and personality, all of which I have in abundance, but really, if I wrote the book on how to bewitch the boyz, it could be summed up in two words:

Blow job.

Oh fine, I’ll expand beyond that. I will write this book and make millions…

WOW, an online dating site for rich men wanting to meet arm candy. I love how the profiles list net value. The home page explains that “successful men wanting to be a Sugar Daddy are ultimately caring individuals. Sugar Daddy dating delivers to people who are aware of the finer things in life and understand that good living is not a luxury, but a necessity.”

For an example of the fine candy out there, please meet Ashley. I guess now that she’s had fun with her brother, she’s ready to find DADDY. Ashley says: “i work alot but would like to find something to do when i’m off when my daughters asleep.” NICE.

And may I present you with Mr. Arkansas, who is looking for “the company of intelligent and class women. Pretty feet are a requirement. Like to pamper and spoil. A lady with style who knows how to carry herself well in the company of many different cultures. You will not be dissapointed.”

Unless spelling is important to you, which clearly is not a priority for Ashley. I say we hook these two lovebirds up! I’m sure Ashley has lovely feet.

Where can I get this shirt for myself? I want it in burgundy. (Don’t worry, I didn’t prey on the boy wearing the shirt. My cut off is 21. I like ‘em hairy you know.) Gooo cougars…

Let there be pleasure on earth, and let it begin with me.
- Annie Sprinkle’s motto

Treehugger featured an interesting video on green sex toys. They pointed out that many dildos are made of plastic and have some creepy chemicals that might not be such a good idea to insert in your hot spots.

Glass dildos and stainless steel butt plugs are some good alternatives. In Japan they have dildos made of seawood gelatin that dissolve in hot water after use so you can hide the fact that you had fun in your parent’s living room. Finally, they suggested the cheapest route (glass and stainless steel toys can easily cost $100): a trip to the organic produce section.

So the rumor you heard is true - I’m obsessed with glass dildos. I want to collect them all. At the least you should try holding one - feel the heft of it in your hand, the coolness, the smoothness, and ooh they’re so pretty! They can be warmed or cooled and are easy to sterilize. So many possibilities.

Here’s where you can find your fantasy: Passion Glass, Glass Fantasy, Blowfish. Blowfish has a handy Care for your Glass Toy page. They warn against knicking the dildo (instant razor sharp tetanus wand!) or using any other glass objects such as soda bottles or light bulbs. That’s right, no cutting corners here. Though glass toys can be pricey ($30-300) a trip to the ER is way more expensive.

Since I don’t have a degree and am not currently taking any college courses, I’ve come up with a plan for advancing my education - sleep with professors. I’ve found that if you ask them simple open-ended questions, they will happily regurgitate lectures free of charge. You’d think they’d be sick of talking about what they teach and research day after day, but no, it’s in their blood.

You can ride their passion like a wave and come out the other end smarter (and wetter). So far I’ve “studied” psychology, American history, philosophy, literature, and economics. I want to collect them all. See, it’s similar to sleeping with a text book under your pillow, but I find it’s easier - and more fun - to absorb the information when you’re sleeping on top of a professor instead.

Can I get an A here? This Bookworm Bitch is brilliant…

“The world is a much better place when men learn how to have multiple orgasms and get penetrated and women learn how to ejaculate. Balancing power is a good thing for this planet, and playing with power is a sexy thing when it comes to fantasy and role playing.”

- Jackie Strano

From the book Seductress…

Inanna, Sumerian goddess, not only violated social norms, she transcended gender divisions. Perpetuating the twin-sexed nature of the archaic goddess, she had la-la, “the vigor of a young man in his prime,” and enjoyed masculine pursuits, including liaisons with women if she wished. Nothing, no cultural constraints, could curb Inanna’s all-inclusive, runaway carnality. She changed men into women and the reverse at her pleasure, confusing the sexes and casting the ancient spell of the androgyne, the promise of gender fusion and completeness.