The Beautiful Kind

From urbandictionary.com:

Slut: A woman with the morals of a man.

My friend bitched to me that she received yet another one of those sexist email forwards about gender differences. This one featured a handy guide for intrepreting what women really mean when they say something. I scoffed, “Ha, you don’t need that guide for me, you can just assume that everything I say really means ‘I’m horny.’”

As in: “Do you want to go to lunch?” (”I’m horny.”)
or: “It’s snowing again!” (”I’m horny.”)
“I think I’m coming down with a cold.” (”I’m horny.”)

The world would be a better place if everyone was bisexual.

It’s true! I used to be clueless and just envy my few female friends that could gush, not to mention that all the guys get to spout, but then I read Female Ejaculation & the G-Spot: Not Your Mother’s Orgasm Book! and now I too can leave my mark. It took practice, but you bet I can wet.

Thank goodness I held on to my daughter’s crib pads. Kinsey reported that the vagina was basically a birth canal with few nerve endings, but he was wrong-o.

So yeah the clit is Ab Fab, but don’t neglect the G-spot.

From urbandictionary.com:
Cougar: A 35+ year old female who is on the “hunt” for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. She is waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. “Man is cougar’s number one prey.”

This sounds like the perfect solution to me. Older women who know what they want can train all the desperately horny young guys that are online looking for tail. Fellas, here are two easy tips to get you started: 1) Eat pussy and love it. 2) Make pleasing the hell out of your partner your first priority, your own orgasm secondary. I know this sounds obvious, but you’d be surprised…

A guy friend of mine told me he turns ribbed condoms inside out so that it’s for HIS pleasure. Isn’t that CHEATING?

I’m into drag kings right now. Talk about the best of both worlds. A dude can have his way with you and you don’t have to worry about rubbers and all that yucky baby juice. I could do without sperm and germs, thank you.

I LOVE the feel of fishnets.

Today during a long, boring work meeting, a fellow co-worker leaned over and whispered, “What do you think is the most glamorous way to commit suicide?” Without missing a beat, I whispered back, “I’ll take a picture of it tonight.”

So here it is, the Aging Porn Star Check Out, replete with cocaine, whiskey, Flinstones vitamins, and of course, the LIBERACE TUB. (For the record, co-worker shared that her glamorous suicide would involve a drug overdose chased with lots of sushi.)

“Men aren’t attracted to me for my mind. They’re attracted to me for what I don’t mind.”

- Gypsy Rose Lee

That’s why my legs are always apart.

…do people sit around playing bored (ha ha) games when they could be having oral sex instead?

I finally figured out why I like hairy chests so much, I mean, besides the fact that they are completely animalistic and naturally sexxy. They retain the smell of soap, cologne, that hot manscent, and it torments me. Can’t help but touch it, forget about the “Keep Off the Grass” sign…

Nothing is worse than a tanned, shaved chest. Makes me think of processed meat products. Cut that shit out!

“Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.”

- Germaine Greer

I went to a swinger wedding this summer. Highlights:
- The bride wore white.
- They invited 69 people.
- The best man said in his speech how kind and generous the groom is, how he’s willing to share ANYTHING.
- Illicit sex in the bathroom at the reception.
- They passed out mixed music CDs to all the guests, and one of the songs was “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails.

And you should have seen the honeymoon suite that night! Too bad I didn’t take pictures. Let’s just say that they (and their closest friends) more than made up for alllll those couples who are too tired to have sex on their wedding night. So sweet.

I think it’s so cute that there are TONS of men out there who don’t want to have sex with me.

PS: Men kissing = HOT

Lord I’ve seen some wild porn, and if it manages to shock me, or better yet, makes me gag or feel like Tipper Gore (which is a great porn name, btw) then you know they’ve pushed the limits of decency. Most recently I saw one starring Belladonna, a most dirtious dame. In it, she used a Care Bear as a prop, sitting on its face. Then, this guy inserted three lollipops into Bella {where the sun don’t shine}, then popped them out for all the participants to enjoy. Willy Wonka, eat your heart out!

Two really interesting bits on how men can have more intense orgasms from Dan Savage’s Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America

- Be a swinger. Men who swing set the scene for “sperm competition syndrome.” Researchers have discovered that human males are programmed to ejaculate more sperm when they know that their female partners have recently been with other males. To ejaculate more sperm, males have longer-lasting, more intense orgasms. At a swingers’ party, men are free to enjoy the feeling of sperm competition without having the abandonment worries that usually accompany an infidelity.

- Use a butt plug. When worn during sex, the plug stimulates the prostate, which greatly intensifies orgasm.

I’m one of those people who brags about never watching TV. Nowadays I’m also happy to brag that when I flip through Us and People shit rags at doctor offices, I don’t recognize half the idiot celebrities featured.

So it figures that I don’t know who this Maria Bello woman is, but I gather she’s a hot blonde actor. And wow does she RULE. She was interviewed in the Aug 2006 Esquire mag, and here is what she had to say:

Bello: The whole idea of monogamy is nonsensical to me. I suppose I understand the idea of a lifelong helpmate and friend. But when you have to stay sexually monogamous to this one person, I think it’s usually a big fat lie. Read the statistics. Seventy percent of people are having affairs. And if they’re not, they’re jerking off to porn every night.

Esquire schmuck: So I guess you’re not the kind of woman to come home to, you’re more like the kind of woman you can call to come over late.

Bello: I’m the kind of woman who will invite you over late if I want to.

OK this isn’t really the entire story of my vagina, that would read like War & Peace for lordsake, and I have a strict policy about not posting entries over 1000 words (or partners).

I just wanted to see that title up in the big lights. Yeah it felt good. But not as good as what I’m about to do…g’night…