The Beautiful Kind

1. Watched porn, masturbated.

2. Went with my dad at 8am to pet sit. Fed a guppy. Watched the 18-year-old matted, sweater-wearing cat named Trixie walk into walls because she’s blind. Searched the house for the green bandana-wearing cat named Izzie because she needed medication. Discovered by looking under all the beds that the people who own the house are slobs. Fought the urge to search the drawers next to their bed for evidence that they have sex. Stopped after two drawers and finding nothing good.

3. Went to Bread Co. with my dad for my 4th latte ever. It took me 20 years to get into beer, and it’s taken 30+ years to venture into the coffee zone.

4. Watched porn, masturbated. I never can decide if I should look for the stuff that turns me on, or allow myself to be distracted by the outrageous shit. Gang bang, or clown porn?

5. Got buzzed on pom vodka and crashed a Tgiving dinner hosted by a filthy rich cardiologist in his 60’s. I couldn’t get over his house - life-size lion statues, an amazing library with a fireplace and NO BOOKS (wtf?!), a master bathroom so huge it even had a fridge and microwave, and best of all, his 36-year-old hot Russian trophy girlfriend who didn’t say a single word except, “I’m sorry?” The two best lines I heard at the dinner were, “That’s a darling jean jacket!” and “Myra, your cranberry jello? It was wonderful, just wonderful.” Oh but there was the 93-year-old man who would walk around and point at his heart and mumble, “I almost died.” And then he’d go on to explain his recently installed pacemaker, and say while drooling, “The doctor says I can bowl again, but I have to cut out SEX.”

6. Stopped at my parents long enough to down a beer and listen to my mom talk about Civil War generals as if they were still alive and relevant.

7. Went to my friend’s G&J for a vegetarian Tgiving where they had zero dead animals, great white wine and four different kinds of fake meat options - Aura Pro, Quorn, Tofurkey, and Celebration Roast. Watched “The L Word.” Got turned on.

8. Went to Benchpress Burlesque show at Lucas School House. Got turned on. Everytime I see this show it makes me want to wear fishnets and stick my ass in people’s faces. It makes me want to gender bend and celebrate bodies. I love that they have cellulite and curves and brains. They recited this haiku, listen up:

I am a camel.
You are water.
I am not thirsty.