The Beautiful Kind

The other day I was driving at night and I couldn’t see a thing, and I got all worried that maybe the eye doctor quack fucked up my eyes just by being so creepy. But then I realized one of my headlights was out and that freaked me out cuz it meant I was going to have to take it into a shop and spend hundreds of dollars getting it fixed cuz I’m too stupid to handle it myself.

But then a friend told me he could help me replace the bulb, and oh my god I was so relieved. But that meant I’d have to go to one of those hideous auto parts store. They smell bad and are a major turn off, all grimy and full of carburetors and blue collar men with greasy paws. I tend to selectively remove those stores from my field of vision, along with Radio Shacks and hardware stores, hell any place my dad used to drag me as a kid where I’d hang on to the gumball machine for life support at the front of the store as he turned into a zombie in the Electronic Twilight Zone.

I decided to make the trip to the car parts store more fun by treating myself to a car air freshener. That’s really the only interesting part of the store. I had my heart set on a Pamela Anderson air freshener, cuz ever since I saw Borat I’ve harbored a low grade obsession for her (I still haven’t seen that Tommy Lee porn!) But crap they had a lame selection - no Ninja Turtles or Hello Kitty, just rows of those stupid pine trees and leaves. We finally settled on a fish that smelled like a Mountain Stream. I teased my daughter, telling her it would make the car smell like fish, and she cried a little. But shit that smell would be better than what they consider Mountain Stream! Then again, I’ll bet most mountain streams are chockful of disgusting chemicals. And now my crappy crumb-infested car is even more repulsive.

Oh, and replacing the headlight bulb was ridiculously easy.