The Beautiful Kind

1. Pasties - What’s the big deal with women’s nipples?! Give me a break.

2. Incense - Cloying and overpowering, I don’t care if it’s good shrine material.

3. Fluorescent lights - Makes me look mottled and yellow, um, like a dead person.

4. Santa Claus - I suspect he’s a Republican.

5. Video games - People who play video games are just biding time before they die. I’m sorry, is your life expectancy too long?

6. The fact that the USDA is trying to get rabbits classified as poultry so that they are excluded from the Humane Slaughter Act, which requires butchers to render the animal unconscious before slaughter.

7. The fact that turkeys are shackled by their feet and dipped upside down in water charged with electricity before having their throats slit. During this whole stunning process, they defecate, which means they are electrocuted in shitty water. Oh and they inhale a little of it during their death throes, so anyone who eats turkey is eating shit, too.

8. People who claim they really don’t eat much meat, but then every time you see them eating it’s, like, bacon or roast beef. Maybe the USDA has classified that stuff as vegetables and I didn’t get the memo?

9. That shitty ambiguous jazz instrumental music they play at the airport. WHO likes that music, seriously?

10. Celine Dion - she has a perfume, I saw it at Walgreens. Who wants to smell like Celine Dion!?

More things I hate, yay!

1. Balloons - A lot of people hate clowns, myself included. But I take it a step further with hating balloons. So a clown making balloon shapes, omg that’s just a bad scene. I hate how they squeak and pop and they’re choking hazards. The balloons, not clowns.

2. Ice - God I hate ice water. The stuff isn’t allowed in my house.

3. Moustaches - All other facial hair is OK, but moustaches are just creepy. Molestache. Cop. OK maybe those handlebar moustaches that curl up at the ends are kindof rakish.

4. Ice cream in shades of pink. Fine, peppermint flavor is OK, but ice cream is best in shades of brown. Have you had cinnamon ice cream? Pumpkin pie flavor? Is there gingerbread flavor? Peanut butter and chocolate is the best. (For those who eschew dairy, two words: Soy Delicious.)

5. Iceberg lettuce - John Waters calls it “the polyester of lettuce.”

6. Green peppers - They’re so immature! Give me a pepper that’s been around the block, like yellow, orange, or the gorgeous red. The more color a veggie has, the better it is for you.

7. SUVs - How come people are always talking about how SUVs have a greater risk of overturning, but I’ve never seen one upside down. Dammit.

1. The crowd at a sporting event - the sound they make, the shiny hot dogs they eat, the way they all wear the team color, rah rah fuck.

2. Religious people - fish on cars, nativity scenes, intelligent design, WWJD, putting “In God We Trust” on money, asking me to pray for them.

3. The fact that I’ve never outgrown zits and I’m in my 30’s. I suppose I’ll have zits on top of my wrinkles. Maybe I should pray for them to go away.

4. Applebee’s.

5. Feet - sandals, pedicures, toe rings, fungus, fat toes, long skinny toes, flip-flops, cold feet, stinky feet, football, a foot-in-the-door.

6. My ex-husband lecturing me for me telling our daughter about something I saw on PBS about a headless chicken that lived for months, saying it’s an inappropriate topic for her sensitive mind, yet what does he dress her up as for Halloween? The Headless Horseman. (She was damn cute, by the way.)

7. The vein on my leg that’s threatening to go varicose on me.

8. The fact that so many things - Junior Mints, Lucky Charms, marshmallows, Skittles, candy buttons, candy sprinkles, Starburst, some candy corn and caramels, contain gelatin. Hm, gelatin rhymes with skeleton…

9. People who think pets are disposable. My parents got rid of one dog because they never bothered to potty train her, and they got rid of another dog for getting pregnant. Each time they disposed of the dogs, they would buy me a stuffed animal to compensate. Bitter? Moi?

10. Weddings. There’s a 50% chance they’re a waste of time. And why do people get rewarded with gifts because they are partnering up with someone? And then more gifts when they have a kid? What about single people that don’t subject their friends and family to a dog and pony show? Shouldn’t they get a present for that?

1. My dad thinking that Muslims are taking over the United States, even though he doesn’t know a single one in real life.

2. Those little shrines with crosses, fake flowers, and teddy bears set up along roadsides to pay tribute to departed loved ones. Can’t people deal with their grief in a more aesthetically pleasing way?

3. The fact that J Lo wears fox fur eyelashes and has chinchilla bedspreads.

4. I’ve been to Maine at least 6 times and I’ve never seen a moose. Or a loon.

5. Those “Support Our Troops” ribbons on cars and all the take-offs, EVEN the one for the Humane Society.

6. My aunt saying to me, “Sure I feel sad when I see cattle on trucks being hauled off to slaughter, but then I think, if we didn’t eat them, they wouldn’t even get a life at all. Have you ever thought of that?”

7. Those trendy rubbery illness advocacy bracelets. I would wear one for progeria, though.

8. When people (OK, men mostly) talk like cavemen on IM (hi how r u? 36 m st louis u? grunt grunt)

9. SUVs that have “Bush/Cheney” stickers, especially ones in front of me, because it’s sooo tempting to run into them, even though they’re like a tank. And ooh I hate it when one SUV moves away from me, only to be replaced by another one. Or being surrounded by them. Or parking next to one. I’ve heard about two non-violent ways to deal with SUVs - deflate their tires, or put bumper stickers on them that say, “Ask me about how I’m changing the environment!”

10. Angels.

1. Sideburns (Elvis, you started it!)

2. Documentaries (Home Movie, Spellbound, Thin Blue Line, Capturing the Friedmans, My Flesh & Blood, Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill)

3. Vacuuming (I have the hottest vacuum cleaner, and I have a strange attraction to vacuum repair shops. When I see one I want to go in and hang out and see who’s in there.)

4. Thrift stores (I like re-using)

5. My computer (I think I might marry it. I don’t stare at anything more than it, and it offers so much entertainment and doesn’t sass me like my last one did)

6. The smell of fireplaces burning as you drive through a neighborhood

7. Gay porn (it’s so fun to watch men do those kinds of things)

8. Cilantro (my ex said I used it so much in my cooking that I ruined it for him forever. Ha ha ha)