The Beautiful Kind

The other night my friend was visited by two Mormon kids. He welcomed them in, let them know he was an atheist, and said, “I’m open to hearing what you have to say, and I’d like to establish up front that I’m absolutely willing to change my mind - are you?”

They told him well no, that they had a contract (not sure if that was with the church or with God.)

Of course the conversation went quickly from pleasant to obnoxious. They let him know that if he prayed every day, that God would speak to him and that would be his proof of God’s existence.

So he asked, “OK if I do this and nothing happens, does that prove you’re wrong?” Well, no, they said. They told him they could tell he was an intelligent man, and it was a shame he was wasting it. “So I should be focusing more on religion instead of scientific research?” he asked. (he’s a scientist)

When they grew increasingly unreasonable and rude, my friend asked them, “So you pray to God and converse with him and have a relationship with him, right?” They fervently admitted to this.

Then he said, “How do you know you’re not talking with Satan?” They were shocked, saying, “Of course we aren’t! God is good and on our side!” So he said, “Well Satan is a powerful force too - how do you know he’s not just pretending to be God, and this is all a big trick, and that eventually he’s going to come up behind you and screw you?”

As he ushered them out, they whined, “Don’t you want happiness?” He replied, “I’m about to go out and have dinner with my friend. Meanwhile, you’re roaming the cold streets trying to talk people into your way of thinking. Does that make you happy?”

As he was shutting the door, they asked hopefully, “Do you know of anyone that wants to hear the word of God?” He pointed to his neighbor’s door, a total asshole. “Try him.”

By far though, the best religious visit my friend had was a few years ago, when the flustered and angry proselytizer blurted out, “I know your type! You’re one of those sexual intellectuals!”

I LOVE IT.