The Beautiful Kind

1. Pasties - What’s the big deal with women’s nipples?! Give me a break.

2. Incense - Cloying and overpowering, I don’t care if it’s good shrine material.

3. Fluorescent lights - Makes me look mottled and yellow, um, like a dead person.

4. Santa Claus - I suspect he’s a Republican.

5. Video games - People who play video games are just biding time before they die. I’m sorry, is your life expectancy too long?

6. The fact that the USDA is trying to get rabbits classified as poultry so that they are excluded from the Humane Slaughter Act, which requires butchers to render the animal unconscious before slaughter.

7. The fact that turkeys are shackled by their feet and dipped upside down in water charged with electricity before having their throats slit. During this whole stunning process, they defecate, which means they are electrocuted in shitty water. Oh and they inhale a little of it during their death throes, so anyone who eats turkey is eating shit, too.

8. People who claim they really don’t eat much meat, but then every time you see them eating it’s, like, bacon or roast beef. Maybe the USDA has classified that stuff as vegetables and I didn’t get the memo?

9. That shitty ambiguous jazz instrumental music they play at the airport. WHO likes that music, seriously?

10. Celine Dion - she has a perfume, I saw it at Walgreens. Who wants to smell like Celine Dion!?